


All the Stars and Boulevards

by snuffleslove



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: M/M, dub-con, girl!Niall, slight depression, warnings for abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-24
Updated: 2013-07-24
Packaged: 2017-12-21 05:11:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 60,124
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/896186
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/snuffleslove/pseuds/snuffleslove
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A university AU in which Louis, Zayn, Harry, Liam and Niall are students at Columbia and take the city by storm.</p><p>please pay attention to warnings!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> i know a lot of people have been waiting for this, and i know i'm horrible, but better late than never? CUverse has been completed! i'm getting a little emotional as i post this, only because i've been working on this for over a year and there are many personal experiences trapped in this story. if i actually went and thanked every single person who cheerleaded me or beta-ed or listened to me whine about this, you'd never leave this page though. so thanks, you know who you are :) i love you
> 
> artwork for this is done by the magical Shrew who is the very best! 
> 
> also, just a quick side note. there's a OC in here named George. he's got nothing to do with Union J's George, I started writing him before I really knew about them, heh. Sorry about that!

Zayn fidgets a bit, tapping the buttons on his phone. He's standing outside Kent Hall, and it's _chilly_.

"Took you long enough," he mutters, when his best mate Louis opens the door for him.

"Sorry about that, love," Louis says, smiling his smile that's reserved for Zayn, and Zayn smiles back despite himself, leaning into Louis who smells like pot and aftershave. They climb the stairs to the attic in silence. It's dark when they arrive, except for a few candles laid out in the center of the room. There's nothing there - wasted space at Columbia - and the group has been taking advantage of it to lay out here on weekends and play some music. Sitting by the candles, Zayn can barely make out the familiar figure of Niall, a beautiful, tiny, blonde girl who studies at Barnard across the street.

"Ey Zayner," she says, before taking a long drag on the fat joint they've rolled. She exhales slowly, eyes closed and then passes it along to Zayn, who takes it gratefully. Louis sits down and picks up his guitar, strumming a few chords, and Zayn exhales and then adds his voice to mix. He doesn't sing lyrics, just melodies, closing his eyes and feeling the familiarity of space and company in his bones.

Niall gets up, lazily, stretching gracefully, before twirling out to Zayn's melodies, her movements easy and practiced. She's majoring in sound engineering, but Zayn has always thought she should be pursuing dance. Zayn settles back, closes his eyes because Niall's not dancing for an audience, she's dancing for herself.

When the guitar stops, Niall and Zayn turn to look at Louis, who shoots them an apologetic smile before checking his phone.

"There's - ah - one more coming," he says quickly. Zayn raises his eyebrows but Niall just says,

"S'long as you're not breaking the rules." Zayn chuckles because Louis _makes_ the rules so he bloody well better not break them. Well, there's only one rule. No one's allowed to attend jam sessions unless they can actually jam.

"Yeah," he says, shooting them a smile that flickers in the candlelight. "Met him in music theory. Vocals." Niall nods, and Louis stands, places his guitar down gently.

Zayn and Niall sit in a comfortable silence until he returns, stranger in tow. It's hard to make out any physical details without real light, but Zayn can tell he's slim, has a good three inches on Louis.

"Bloody amazing, this place," he speaks, and his voice his low, a bit rough around the edges, and British. Zayn groans.

"Jesus, Lou, how do you manage to find all the English people at Columbia?" Louis tilts his head back and laughs.

"Haven't found anyone but Niall, and she's Irish," he protests. "Zayn and I grew up together in Doncaster and came here together," he explains to his friend. "Zayn, Niall, this here's Harry. He's a freshman studying sociology."

"A soc major in a music theory class," Niall muses. "Impressive."

"I'm trying to do a minor in music," Harry clarifies.

"Well, let's hear it then," Zayn says, but his voice is good natured and he settles back once more, taking a large hit from the joint that's made its way around once more. He feels rather than sees Harry settle at his side and moves to pass it to him but Harry shakes his head, curls catching the low light.

"Don't smoke," he says. Zayn shrugs, passes it back to Niall. Louis starts to play again and Harry joins in after a moment. He is good. His voice has a sensual, rough quality that is both innocent and cheeky and draws Zayn's own voice from him. He catches it, singing harmonies above Harry and Harry turns to him and smiles.

He hears Niall's intake of breath and then she's on her feet, movements newly inspired, passion building. Soon, even Louis's adding his voice.

When they've stopped to catch their breath, there's silence and then the thought hits Zayn like they normally do when you're high - slowly and out loud.

"You like him," he says pointedly to Lou. Niall bursts out laughing and Harry's grin is visible even in the dark.

\--

He wakes up when it's still dark out because he's _freezing_ for godssake. He rolls over, already knows it's because Louis' snatched all the blanket. It's not an unusual occurrence to be perfectly honest - weed tends to make Louis too uncoordinated to reach the top bunk. He takes a second to glare at the back of his head before settling in behind him, throwing an arm around his waist and tucking his feet between his legs.

He feels Louis groan.

" _Zayn_ , your feet are fucking _cold_."

"Yeah, well who's fault is that?" Zayn retorts sleepily. Louis turns them over, pulls Zayn close, shivering slightly as Zayn readjusts his feet and they make contact with new patches of skin.

"Sorry," Zayn says, voice apologetic. His friend turns into him a bit, smiles against his ear.

"Sorry about springing Harry on you both like that. Should have told you about him."

"S'fine. You really like him, don't you?"

Louis sighs sleepily.

"Yeah. I do. He's different, Zayn. Makes me laugh, s'kind, and so fucking talented it's unbelievable. I think -" He's interrupted by Zayn's phone going off and Zayn feels him tense. "Jesus, you've got to be kidding me, Zayn, it's four in the morning." Zayn's reaching over him to grab his phone from the table beside the bed, but Louis intercepts him.

"Louis," Zayn says warningly, trying to grab it back, but he's weaker than the brown haired boy and it doesn't take much for Louis to grab his delicate wrists with one hand and answer the phone with the other.

"Hey George. No it's not Zayn. S'Louis. Yeah. Actually Zayn's sleeping because you know. It's four in the morning here? Right. Yeah I'll tell him. Yeah." He clicks the phone off and tosses it aside.

"Bloody hell, how difficult is it for him to check the time before he calls? We've been studying here for two years now. The stupid bastard." Zayn stiffens.

"Get out."

"No." He holds Zayn even as Zayn struggles to get free. Zayn feels him trace the light scar that runs down his side until just above his hip bone.

" _Louis_ ," Zayn whines exasperatedly. His friend just shakes his head, pulls him tighter.

\--

Zayn smiles to himself as he walks down college walk. It's warmed up considerably since the past weekend and it's beautiful out. It's early still for a Saturday morning so it's quiet and as he takes in the respite Columbia's campus offers from the overwhelming city, he can't help but feel grateful to be here. He's not normally one to appreciate architecture - Louis teases him about having an artist's eye but it's mostly to do with faces, not square structures - but he _can_ appreciate that the University is beauitful, with its set of grand steps, it's tall arching buildings, and beautiful green lawns. From here the honks of horns and the bustle of traffic are undetectable; he's surrounded only by the laughter of small children that come with their parents to sit on the steps and the Irish folk music playing from his ipod. (Not his usual style, Niall's suggestion, but he's open minded).

He grins to himself appreciatively. The gratitude almost makes his reason for being out of bed bearable. He wonders if the boy, Liam, will actually show up. He's in his Social World discussion section and had asked whether Zayn would be interested in swapping papers to edit for their next assignment. In the moment, Zayn had been so taken aback he had found himself agreeing to meet at the Hungarian Pastry shop at 10am the following Saturday, but now he regrets it. Liam is a wrestler, and he really just doesn't seem the type to want to sit down and talk about situational identity. It's fine though, even if he doesn't show. Zayn enjoys the small pastry shop, especially on lazy Saturday mornings, with it's secluded tables and unlimited coffee refills.

Much to his surprise, however, he finds Liam sitting there, wearing a Columbia Wrestling sweatshirt and an old pair of jeans. He's attractive, Zayn observes impersonally, with his thick brown hair that he keeps on the longer side, wide shoulders and big brown eyes. When he sees Zayn he smiles, and the skin around them crinkles warmly. Zayn returns the smile a bit apprehensively and moves to sit down next to him.

He hates being wrong, but he isn't stubborn enough to deny it. And he _is_ wrong about Liam. The other boy has made a detailed critique of his paper, offering him concrete advice and edits in a tactful manner. Zayn finds himself nodding seriously as he talks, realizing reluctantly that this will all be extremely helpful when drafting his final version.

They spend a lot longer than he had originally anticipated at the cafe, occasionally wandering off topic, but in general sticking to sociology. Zayn learns that he's a SEAS kid in his second year studying mechanical engineering, and that he was originally from Florida. The boy has an easy laugh and he likes to talk but he seems to enjoy listening to Zayn even more, hanging on to every word he's saying. It's a bit unnerving at first, but the more Zayn talks, the more he begins to like the attention, loosening up a little.

When they leave, the heat of the day has Liam removing his sweatshirt - and Zayn's eyes trailing to the skin revealed as his shirt lifts up. He blushes and fumbles for his pack of cigarettes.

\--

They run into Louis on college walk. (Sometimes Columbia seems uncannily small.)

"Zayn!" he grins. "Wanna grab lunch?"

"Just ate my weight in baklava, so no," Zayn says, returning the grin. "Oh. Louis, Liam, Liam, Louis. Louis and I know each other from England. Liam's in my Intro Soc class."

Zayn watches as Louis gives Liam an appraising look.

"You into any kind of music?" He asks slowly. "Playing or performing I mean." Zayn sees a shadow cross his newest friend's face before it's gone and he's smiling again.

"I beat box pretty damn well," he says, laughing when Louis's eyes light up.

"Excellent," he said. "Niall will love you. What are you doing tonight?"

"Louis," Zayn protests.

"Same old nonsense," Liam replies, stepping around Zayn's comment. "Why, do you have a better offer?" Zayn can practically smell the mischief in Louis's eyes.

\--

"How'd the fuck did you guys find this place, it's perfect," Liam asks, grinning with his entire face. Zayn doesn't know whether to laugh at him or with him.

"Passed down amongst the music players of this noble institution," Louis says proudly. "We'll turn the lights on later so you can see the walls. They're covered with graffiti and stuff." Niall, who is busy licking together a dutch, nods.

"It's a real beauty," she says. "I'm Niall by the way."

"Liam," they shake hands.

"I'm Harry," the curly haired boy speaks up. He's sitting in front of Louis's chair today, curled up at his feet, and Zayn smiles a soft smile. They _do_ look good together. He takes a drag of the dutch and passes it to Liam on his right who looks up at him, startled.

"I've never --"

"You've never smoked?" Niall asks incredulously.

"Shotgun that shit," Louis says, beaming. Zayn is thankful it's too dark to see him blush. He nods though and takes another inhale, cupping his hands around his mouth.

"Just lean into him, and inhale the smoke he breathes out," Niall chimes in, helpfully. Liam does lean in then and Zayn blows out carefully, staring into Liam's brown eyes.

"Hold it," Zayn whispers, "Let it in here," he says touching Liam's flat stomach gently. Liam holds and holds until he's coughing, and Zayn finds himself rubbing circles into his back soothingly.

Louis pulls out his guitar then, playing something a bit different, and after Liam's recovered, he lays down a steady, quiet beat. Zayn's eyes widen because he really is quite good at it.

Harry nudges Zayn from his left and Zayn returns his easy grin, and begins to sing, blending in beautifully with Harry. Liam stumbles slightly and Zayn thinks he can make out a faint blush on his cheeks before he resumes.

Niall giggles. "Yes, this is brilliant," and she's on her feet, body testing out the new influence. She's dancing in the middle of the circle, carefully avoiding the small candles, and she suddenly stops in front of Liam, leans down.

"You're the missing piece," she says in her own Irish lilt. And then she's moving once more.

\--

"He asked about you, you know," Zayn and Louis are eating breakfast together the next morning across the street on Barnard's campus because Zayn likes the eggs better over here. Niall's sitting somewhere with her own set of friends, but she doesn't bother to introduce them. Zayn wonders if they are Niall's dirty little secret and laughs inwardly at the thought.

"Oiii, ello!" Louis interrupts, waving his hand in front of his face. "He _asked_ about you." Zayn scowls. Is this really appropriate breakfast conversation? Is _any_ conversation appropriate for breakfast?

"What do you mean?" He asks, resigned.

"You know," Louis says meaningfully. "Whether you're single or not." Zayn's eyebrows shoot up and his stomach clenches.

"What did you say?" he asks cautiously.

"I said it was complicated."

"It's _not_ complicated, Lou," and there is a hint of warning in his voice.

"It _is_."

"Louis. It's not. I love him and --"

" _No_ ," Louis growls. "You think you do but you _don't_. And he sure as hell doesn't deserve you." His voice is rising, and Zayn glances around nervously. He doesn't want to start a fight - it would be the same, tired conversation anyway. They rarely argue, but when they do it's almost always about George. "I _hate_ him." and Zayn knows it's true. He sighs, rubs his face in his hand. Suddenly Niall is there, hand on his shoulder.

"Hey lads," she says, voice overly bright, and Zayn knows she's picked up on the tension. "Want to study together later on? I've got a term paper I've yet to start." She directs the question to Louis and Zayn doesn't miss the pleading note in her eyes. His friend scowls, but relents easily enough - there's hardly anything he's able to deny Niall.

"Yeah, sure," Louis says quietly. "Butler? I've got to get my books."

"How about we meet in an hour?" They both nod at her and she wanders off to rejoin her friends, squeezing Zayn's shoulder reassuringly. Louis looks down at his plate for a long moment, shoulders still tense and Zayn is sorry for upsetting him, always is. Louis's the sun usually, burning bright and steady, but if he ever dims, he has a bad habit of casting everything around him in shadows.

"Lou -" He takes his cherry tomatoes and rolls them into Louis's plate. Louis looks up and gives him a small smile then takes a particularly large one and plops it in his mouth, juice spurting everywhere. "Louis!"

He friend laughs at him, but then turns serious again.

"I love you so much, Zayn, you know that yeah?"

"Yeah, Lou, I know."

\--

"Zayn!" He hears someone calling from behind. He turns and smiles when he sees Harry striding towards him.

"Harry," He says by way of greeting and they start to climb Low steps together.

"Where're you headed?"

"Hamilton, for CC." Harry groans sympathetically.

"Fuck the Core." Zayn laughs. "I'm headed to Mathematics. I get out at 12:15 though, wanna grab lunch?"

"Yeah, of course. Ferris?" Harry nods.

"I'll meet you outside of Lerner." They have to part ways and they pause for a moment. Harry grins at him, eyes kind and Zayn decides that if Louis's the sun then Harry can only help him to be brighter, young energy adding to the flame.

He decides that he likes that.

\--

Liam sits next to him in class sprawling out in his chair, his body a warm heat next to Zayn's.

They catch each other's eye and grin as the slow drone of their professor's accented lecture continues around them. Zayn gives up on taking notes and focuses on the brown haired boy next to him, sketching him in the margins of his notebook. Liam watches his pencil move and when Zayn looks up again he's smiling at him almost shyly.

\--

"You _have_ to come. All of you," Niall's pouting and Zayn knows Louis's close to caving so he steps in.

"Nialler, it's really not our scene," he tries to reason with her. She shoots him a scowl.

"We'll go," Harry says cheekily, throwing an arm around Liam's shoulders. Liam grins at him and nods.

"Yeah, Niall, you can count on us." She practically beams them.

"Oi, trying to make us look bad, Styles?" Louis accuses, playfully shoving his chopstick into Harry's face. Harry smirks and goes to bite at it but Louis draws it back, making a face. They're sitting at a round table in Tea Magic because Louis and Zayn have never tried bubble tea before and Liam is astounded. Zayn likes the smooth taste of the tea (almond, Liam says it's the safest), but the tapioca tastes slimy in his mouth and at first he swallows it without biting, wincing as it slides down his throat. Liam grins at him and makes chewing faces at him, telling him he's an idiot with his big brown eyes and Zayn laughs.

It's not so bad after that.

"C'mon Lou," Harry pouts too now and Niall throws her head back and laughs. "It's her _birthday_."

"Don't you dare give in on me now, Louis," Zayn throws in. "Think about the squealing drunk girls. And - and - the karaoke!"

"You're a singer, Zayn," Niall retorts. "Please?" She asks, looking up at him from where she's resting on his chest. The week has been particularily rough on her and there are dark circles under her eyes.

"Oh, Niall, the things you have me do."

\--

Zayn stumbles out of the subway and right into Liam's warm shoulder.

"Here," he says, steadying him with an arm around his waist. Zayn looks up at him, breathless, and it hits him suddenly how drunk he actually is.

"Thanks," he says, giggling. Liam's returning smile is sincere and sweet. He's sober.

They make their way to the cheap karaoke bar in the middle of k-town and climb the stairs of a grungy looking building. Inside the lights are pulsing and Zayn hears the faint pump of bass. Louis and Harry come in behind them. They're walking together but Harry is shamelessly flirting with the girl next to him, laughing at what she says with a slight smirk and leaning in intimately to hear her talk. Zayn tenses for a moment in his drunken state, before realizing there's _heat_ in Louis' eyes, like he _likes_ this - knowing that no matter what happens in this moment, Harry'll be going home with him tonight.

"Since Niall's the birthday girl, she has to sing first," one of Niall's girl friends, Tina? shouts. Her voice is high pitched and her face flushed and giggly.

"No way, I'm not nearly plastered enough," Niall says, emptying the contents of a flask into a glass of pineapple juice.

"We've got a song planned for you actually," Louis says and one of the girls in the room actually lets out a drunken squeal. Zayn catches Niall's look and rolls his eyes back at her. "Zayn, would you do the honors?"

"What? Oh fuck, what's the name of the song?" He reaches blindly for a book, but it's arranged by artist. "Shit I have no idea who sings it."

"Here, take this one, s'arranged by title," Liam offers him another book. It takes Zayn embarassingly long to locate the song code and key it into the computer, but then the music starts and Louis's pulling him up off the couch and handing him a mic. Harry's standing next to him, and Zayn throws his arm around the curly haired boy, laughing into his neck when the synthetic music begins to play.

Louis was only half kidding when he said they had this planned. It had come on on the radio in Morton Williams once and they had started to sing it, even without knowing the words. It was Harry's idea to sing it for Niall.

"You're insecure, don't know what for," Harry begins. The girls go crazy because they've obviously heard it before and Niall is blushing furiously. Liam grabs her hand and pulls her onto her feet attempting to twirl her, and in the small space she trips and falls back onto the couch. Both of them are laughing hard, Niall drunk off a few shots of cheap vodka and Liam drunk off her happiness.

Zayn catches Liam staring at him as he begins to sing and Liam blushes but he doesn't look away. Zayn's mind is fuzzy on drink and Harry's voice is singing sweetly through his head and Niall is blushing and Louis is leaning in close to Harry to share his mic and Zayn is singing to Liam like he's the only one in the room. Harry and Louis take over the melody and Zayn sings harmonies above them, shutting his eyes against the awful accompaniment in the background.

When they've finished, Niall and her friends are cheering and laughing and the next song is being keyed in. Liam pulls Zayn down next to him.

"You're amazing," he says into Zayn's ear, and Zayn's body warms in a way that has nothing to do with the alcohol.

"Liam, I've got one for me and you, alright mate?" Louis shouts over the Beyoncé song currently playing. Liam nods.

When the guitar begins to play, Louis jumps to his feet and Liam follows, throwing his head back as he attempts to copy Louis' drunken swaying. They don't even have to look at the song lyrics.

"You're a falling star, you're a get away car -" Louis's singing to Harry and it's breathtaking and Harry turns his entire body into Zayn's, nose in his neck and Zayn has never seen him embarrassed but it's fucking adorable. Liam's got his eyes closed and it might be because Zayn's drunk but he sings well, his voice as smooth as Michael Bublé's. A few of the girls have lifted their cell phones, swaying with over-exaggerated movements.

"And in this crazy life, and through these crazy times -" Louis twirls Liam playfully and they laugh, missing lyrics. They are doubled over singing passionately in the small room that smells like booze and Zayn thinks Liam is beautiful.

\--

"Stay in my room tonight," Niall says to Zayn later. "Looks like Louis's taking Harry home." She's sleepy drunk at this point and Zayn keeps her close.

\--

As they're walking up the subway at 116th, Liam pulls Zayn back.

"Come home with me," Liam says, his voice low, lips ghosting over Zayn's with obvious intention. Zayn's eyes drop to his lips and they are so close and Zayn has liquor coursing through his veins but he takes a deep breath and pushes Liam away a little rougher than expected.

"I can't. No, I'll stay with Niall." He turns on his heel, picking up the pace to catch up to her.

\--

He takes off his shirt and his belt, puts his wallet and phone on Niall's mess of a desk.

"Oh Zayn," Niall murmurs, voice still slurred. She traces the ugly scar that lines Zayn's torso, fingers dancing over the faint bruises on his chest and shoulders. They're all too familiar to her, Zayn knows this.

"C'mon Niall, sleep." She nods, falls into bed.

"Night." She whispers drowsily. Zayn tucks a strand of hair behind her ear.

"Happy birthday, Nialler."

\--

There's a moment when one wakes up after a night of drinking, where it's peaceful and quiet, and the surroundings are blurry and unfamiliar.

And then everything rushes back with a slam.

Zayn cringes at the pounding in his head and opens his eyes carefully, groaning quietly. He shifts slightly and Niall is sitting on the floor, long slender legs curled up beneath her, book in hand, dressed in only Zayn's shirt. He can't help but smirk.

"My clothes look good on you," he remarks casually. A small smile pulls at the corner of her mouth, but is carefully tucked away before she looks up at him.

"Good, you're awake. Larry's been bugging us about breakfast."

"L-Larry?" Zayn asks incredulously. Niall laughs, blonde hair bouncing.

"Claire thought of that one. Brilliant isn't it?" Zayn shakes his head.

"Didn't think your friends realized Harry was gay from the way they were flirting with him."

"Haven't you heard? Barnard girls don't care about your sexuality," she says mischeviously. "C'mon, up and at 'em."

"Err, I need my shirt back, Niall." She shrugs and then picks herself up from the floor gracefully, puts on a pair of jeans and then grabs a shirt off the mountain of clothes on her chair. With one quick shimmy she's in hers and out of Zayn's. She holds it out to him.

"Is Liam going to join us?" Niall shrugs again.

"Probably." She studies his torso decorated with scattered bruises and marks that he knows stand out violently in the morning sun. He puts his shirt on hurriedly.

\--

Liam hasn't joined them, Zayn discovers, when they meet up with - Larry - in John Jay and Louis's shooting him a look that means he's in trouble later. It's odd, Zayn thinks, because they've only just met, but the group seems a little empty without Liam. Perhaps Niall is right. Perhaps he's their missing piece. Whatever it is, Zayn feels off, like he has an itch he can't scratch.

The place is packed but they manage to find a seat in the far corner where the chairs are crowded together, enjoying freshly made belgian waffles. Louis's taking whipped cream and sticking it on Harry's face and Harry's trying to lick it off with his tongue and Naill is leaning on Zayn, practically purring from the morning ritual.

"So did you have a good time time then?" Harry asks Niall. Niall answers with a grin.

"You were a hit with my friends, Styles," she says.

"What can I say? We just get on really well," he shoots back. Louis's grinning at him easily, putting a hand on his neck and Zayn notices a small bruise right below where his thumb rests. Harry gives Louis a smile that is as far from a smirk as Zayn has ever seen.

"I need more tater tots," Niall says. She gets up and sits on the window sill, lifting her legs up and over Zayn and landing easily on the other side.

"I'll join you," Harry says getting up with a lot less grace. "I need more whipped cream." He looks back at Louis, winks and then follows Niall out.

As soon as they're alone, Louis scoots over so he's sitting in Niall's chair.

"So what happened last night?" Louis asks, voice a bit urgent.

"N-nothing. I went home with Niall. Why?" Louis looks at him skeptically.

"Liam made a lame excuse about not joining us for breakfast. And I know that's not all that happened last night, Zayn. You were practically fucking him with your eyes." Oh.

"He asked me to come home with him," Zayn mumbles.

"But you said no?"

"Of course I said no," Zayn responds indignantly. "I'm in a relationship, Lou." Louis's eyes darken.

"Don't tell me George hasn't fooled -" but he must see the hurt in Zayn's eyes because he cuts himself off. "Fuck, Zayn, I -"

"It's fine. I get it. You don't like him. But, no one will ever love me like he does and I _need_ him Lou. So just bloody deal with it, alright?" Zayn's voice has a bitter edge to it that he never uses with Louis, hasn't since they were kids, and it must be enough because Louis nods and stays silent.

\--

That evening Zayn sits curled up in bed. He's wearing George's old ratty t-shirt and in his hand he clutches his phone. He hesitates for a moment and then dials. The call is answered and he can hear music in the background, and the sound of someone's laughter.

"Hello?" the voice that answers is gruff and low and Zayn's stomach is in knots.

"George?" he breathes.

"Zayn, babe, is that you?" the voice is surprised.

"Yeah, it's me, love, it's me. I - "

"Haven't I told you never to call me, baby?" there's a giggle in the background. "I might be in the middle of making one of my - deals."

"Yeah, I know," Zayn whispers. "I just -"

"Just what baby?" The music changes and a few people shout. "Babe I gotta go, I'll call you sometime."

"Yeah? Ok, George. I love you."

"Yeah, you too, bye," there's a round of laughter and then the phone clicks shut.

It's only six pm but Zayn tries to sleep anyway.

\--

Zayn searches for Liam in Sociology but he's not there. He takes notes for the first time in weeks.

\--


	2. Chapter 2

"Harry. The pudding's free, get your own. Honestly," Zayn says, grabbing his cup of chocolate goodness away from Harry's prying fingers. Harry pouts prettily, but Zayn isn't Louis so that doesn't work on him. 

"Li lets me share his food," Harry tries. Zayn rolls his eyes, shoulders tensing slightly. It's been a week since he last saw Liam. "He misses you, you know," Harry says quietly then. 

"I haven't done anything," Zayn snaps. "I'm sure Louis's told you but it's not like I could have -"

"Lou hasn't told me anything," Harry interrupts abruptly. "He's very protective of you." Zayn feels the back of his neck heat up and Harry turns his head over to muss up his hair, flipping it back. 

"I'm sorry, Haz," he says quietly. 

"It's alright, Zayn, don't worry." There's something in Harry's eyes in that moment, so invitingly open and innocent and Zayn finds he can't help himself. 

"I miss him, too." 

Harry smiles at him, grips the back of his neck firmly. 

\--

Zayn hurries along the path towards Millbank, checking his watch. Only a few more minutes to seven thirty, fuck he's going to be late. It's getting darker and a bit nippy and he shivers and clutches his old leather jacket around him, thinking idly that George must be fast asleep by now. 

"Zayn?" A voice comes up from behind him. 

"Li -? What are you doing here?" 

Liam looks unsure, stares at his feet for a moment before looking back up at Zayn. 

"Niall invited me. Thought I should come out to support her and all that." 

"Oh. Yeah. S'nice of you. Yeah, Louis and Harry couldn't make it because of -" 

"Varsity Show rehearsals, yeah, I know." 

"Oh. Yeah." Zayn rubs the back of his head awkwardly. Liam sneezes, wipes at his nose. 

"Sorry, bit sick," he says sheepishly. 

"Should have worn a jacket then, mate," Zayn says, smiling slightly. 

"Yeah. Left mine at a buddy's the other night and now I have no hope of finding it," he says ruefully. Zayn chuckles. Oh, what the hell. 

"Are you -?" 

"Do you want to -?" they start talking at the same time. Zayn can't help but laugh.

"Yeah, sure, I'd like that." 

\--

The theater is cold when they enter and Zayn notices that Liam is shivering. He bites his lip. 

"Here," he says, shrugging out of his jacket and handing it to the other boy. "S'cold in here and you're already sick." 

"I - yeah. Thanks," he mumbles and Zayn can make out his blush in the dim audience lighting. He realizes suddenly that George hardly ever blushes.

They settle in their seats and the lights go out. Without any introduction, the first dancers enter the stage. The Barnard Dance Department puts on a Senior Thesis showcase every year. Zayn has never been before, but this year, Niall has been asked to perform alongside one of her friends who is graduating. Zayn can tell it's a serious honor because the quality of the dancers on stage is absolutely brilliant. They've got everything from choreographed spoken word to a cappella tap dancing and every performance is incredible. 

Niall appears on stage with another boy and girl and they are dressed from head to toe in different shades of purple. All of them, even the boy, are dressed in long skirts over long pants with long sleeved shirts and scarves. The music begins to play, slow and steady - a folkish tune - and the dancers begin to move in an unsynchronized pattern, graceful, fluid-like movements interspersed with jarring stops and starts. Zayn has never seen Niall move like this before, swinging her arms about, moving her stomach, taking advantage of the space behind her. It's breathtaking.

The music begins to pick up and suddenly the three dancers are untying their skirts and letting them fall to the ground. There's a pause and the dancers simply sway. Then a man's voice comes through, crass and uneducated. They are suddenly dropping into a synchronized routine, moving as one, leaps, jumps, a floor routine that has Zayn holding his breath. And suddenly their long sleeves shirts are coming off. And then pants are being dropped. The main choreographer is breaking out in a beautiful solo in just her underwear and a shirt. But even the shirts are tossed a side one at a time as the music picks up intensity. Their movements are unrefined and the ending is abrupt. 

They stand center stage in their underwear and bras and the lights dim. There's silence as the stunned audience takes in the performance, then Liam is yelling and clapping and Zayn joins in, jumping to his feet. They look at each other and grin and there's laughter and applause coming from all around them. 

\--

"Jesus, Ni, you couldn't have warned us?" Zayn says laughing as he pulls her into a hug. "You were unbelievable." She smiles prettily. 

"Did you see our choreographer though? Anne is _incredible_ , Zayner. She's brilliant. And this was the first piece she's ever choreographed on her own." 

Liam comes up behind them and Niall's eyes widen only slightly when she notices he's wearing Zayn's jacket. When Liam pulls her into a hug she mouths over his shoulder. 

"Looks good on him," and her eyes are cheeky. Zayn flushes and tries to glare at her.

"That was amazing, Niall," Liam says warmly. 

"Glad you could make it, Li," Niall responds, blushing slightly at his sincerity. 

"Niall!" someone taps her from behind and she turns into the hug of another girl "You were _perfect_." 

"I'll catch you two later alright?" Niall says when she's let go, and disappears into the crowd. 

The foyer begins to get crowded so Liam and Zayn step out into the quiet air. 

"Wow," Liam says softly. 

"Yeah." They begin to make their way back across the street in silence, remarking occasionally about the performance but in general just focusing on the cool breeze that washes over them. When they've reached the time to part ways, Zayn turns to Liam, determined. 

"Listen, mate, I'm sorry about that night," he says quietly. Liam waves his words away. 

"No, god, don't. Wasn't your fault - I was the sober one that night. Louis warned me that things were complicated for you and I should have listened." Zayn nods. 

"S'alright though now, right? We're good?"

"Yeah, of course." It's too dark to see Liam's expression but his voice sounds genuine enough so Zayn doesn't push it. Smiles instead.

"Oh, here, thanks for this." Liam says, moving to take off the jacket. 

"Keep it," Zayn says. "You've still got a ways to walk, and I'm fine." 

"You sure?"

"Yeah." 

"Thanks," Liam scratches his hair. 

"I'll see you in sociology then?" 

"Yeah. Absolutely."

\--

There's no music playing tonight. Tonight, they simply sit, share in each other's exhaustion. Coursework has hit them hard and they're all running on few hours of sleep. Harry's been struggling the most, it seems. It's only his first year and he's trying to balance five classes and daily rehearsals and Zayn can tell that he's exhausted, even when he tries to hide it. Tonight he slumps against Louis, who holds up him, sharing his brightness, and they burn together, low but strong. Niall rests against Zayn, eyes closed, and Zayn leans his head against hers, trying not to think about the exam he just flunked. Liam lays his head on Niall's lap, smiling contentedly as she plays with his hair. 

"I just _need_ spring break," Niall says, breaking the silence. They all murmur their agreement. 

"Few more weeks, babe," Louis speaks up. "We'll get there." Harry sighs from beside him. 

"I can't wait," Harry says in a small voice. Louis leans on one hand so he can lift Harry's chin up to give him a chaste kiss on the lips. The two of them are taking a trip to Boston to explore the city and see the sights. Zayn doubts they'll ever leave their hotel bedroom, but it's all very well-intended. 

Zayn takes a deep breath. He hasn't mentioned his plans to anyone, but now seems like as good a time as ever so - 

"I'm thinking about going to England," he says softly. Louis stiffens abruptly. 

"That'll be great," Liam says, voice sleepy. "You'll get to see your family and sisters and sleep in your own bed. S'what I miss the most honestly -" 

"You're not going to Bradford though, are you?" The room sparks and fizzes with tension as Harry and Niall catch on to the strain in Louis's voice. Zayn shakes his head. 

"Zayn," Louis breathes, and now a note of pleading has woven into his voice. Harry nuzzles in closer. "There's no one _left_ in Doncaster. All our friends have gone and -" 

"I'm not going to see anyone else." 

" _Please_ Zayn. Where will you go if something happens? You'll have no where to go if he -" 

"If he _what_ Lou?" anger seeps up slowly into his words.

"Zayn - " 

"Oh _fuck off_ Louis. I don't need your fucking protection," he's frustrated and lonely and he just wants to be in George's arms for a little while. And for godssake, he's not a _child_ damnit. He pushes away from Niall and stands. "You're not my mum. You're not _anyone_ , Louis. So just fuck off." And with that he storms out of the attic. 

\--

He wakes up under Louis's gaze. His mate is lying on his side, leaning up on his elbow. It's still dark out. 

"Lou -?" 

"Hey." 

"Have you been up all night?" Louis shrugs awkwardly. 

"Couldn't sleep. I'm sorry." 

"S'alright," Zayn is relieved, really. Because he didn't mean what he said and he doesn't want a fight. Louis reaches out with his other hand and pulls Zayn towards him so that Zayn's face ends up in Louis chest and their feet entangle. Louis doesn't say anything, simply breathes into Zayn's hair until his ears are itchy from the warm heat, but it's what Zayn needs and he just moves closer. 

"I've been thinking about what you said," Louis murmurs after a moment. "About going back to Yorkshire. And it just makes me think about how much I miss home and my family." He falls silent, takes a deep breath that Zayn can feel run along his neck. "I want to go too." 

"Lou -" Zayn says, anger still close to the surface.

"Not for you!" He interjects quickly, before Zayn can tell him off again. "Not for you, Zayn, I just. Want to be home with my mum and see my sisters." 

"What about Boston?" asks Zayn skeptically.

"Harry'll understand. Is that alright? Can I?" Zayn considers this. He's knows at least part of Louis is doing this for him, he's not that naive and he's known Louis a long time, but - it _would_ be nice to have his company, and they really haven't been back in a long time. He lets out a breath. 

"Yeah," Zayn says, looking up at his best mate, "Of course."

\--

Zayn's trying to read but he can't focus, knew he wouldn't be able to. They've finally booked their tickets and Zayn is going _home_. Home to England, home to George. He just wants to be _done_ with these next two weeks and the desperation is making him restless. He sighs and tries to turn his attention to his best mate. Louis's got a lot of coursework tonight so Zayn has offered to stay in with him and as he watches the other boy from his place on the bed, he's glad he did. Louis' shoulders are tense as he types furiously on a laptop, stopping often to glance at the books he has laid out on his desk and occasionally letting out a stream of expletives. He's exhausted but he can't stop because the paper's due tomorrow and Louis's been at rehearsals constantly all week long. 

Zayn moves from the bed to lay a hand on his best mate's shoulder. Louis leans back in his chair into the touch, rubbing his eyes warily with both hands.

"Coffee refill?" Louis looks up at him gratefully. 

"Yeah, thanks, that'd be good." 

Zayn sets about putting the coffee on, thinking idly that they'll have to clean out their fridge before they leave next weekend when he hears a sharp knock at the door. Zayn looks at Louis, startled. 

"Jesus, it's two am. Is Harry -?" Louis furrows his brow. 

"No, not that I know of..." 

Zayn opens the door to find himself face to face with Liam. He's grinning, despite the black eye he's sporting. 

"Vas happenninnnnnn" Liam says, smile stretching from ear to ear. 

"Liam! What happened? Are you - Are you drunk?" 

"No!" Liam shakes his head emphatically. The movement causes him to lose his balance and Zayn reaches out to steady him. "Okay maybe a little." He grins ruefully at him. "Can I come in?" he slurs, "I promise not to take advantage of you when you're drunk. When I'm drunk. I'm drunk." 

Zayn can hear Louis sniggering in the background and he feels the tips of his ears heat up. 

"Yeah, of course," Zayn steps aside and allows his friend to walk in, leading him to his bed to sit. "Grab some ice, will you Lou?" 

"Yeah. Shit Li, what'd you do?" 

"I didn't hit myself if that's what you're implying," Liam says, crossing his arms indignantly. Louis chuckles and Zayn turns to glare at him. 

"That's not what he was implying, Li," Zayn reassures him gently. "Tell us what happened."

"Well," Liam's face goes comically serious. "Niall went on a date with me. A fake date. She was my fake date." 

"We know that, Liam. For your wrestling team's party," Zayn says patiently. "But how'd you get the black eye?" Liam furrows his brow. 

"Someone said something," he says slowly, "About Niall. It was. Well. It was very mean," he trails off solemnly. Zayn and Louis exchange a worried glance.

"And -?" 

"And so I punched him," Liam finishes proudly, grinning evilly at Zayn. Louis laughs out loud at the expression on their friend's face and even Zayn has to smile. 

"Niall's alright though?" 

"Yessir. She walked me here and then left with a friend. Didn't give me a good night kiss though," he says, shoulders slumping sadly. Louis is shaking with silent laughter now and Zayn rolls his eyes. Oh boy.

"Here, hold this on your eye," 

"Ow," Liam pouts when the cold surface touches his skin made hot by the liquor.

"We have to get you drunk more often, Li," Louis comments, and Liam sticks his tongue out at him. After a moment, Zayn moves to get him a glass of water but Liam reaches out to grab his wrist. His grip is light and Zayn can easily move away if he wants to, but he stays still. 

"Don't go," Liam whispers, looking up into Zayn's eyes. There's an emotion there that Zayn can't quite read and he swallows hard. "Don't go to London. Stay here with me. I'll - we'll - do stuff." Liam lets go of his hand then and it drops helplessly to his side. Zayn closes his eyes briefly, George's face a blurred vision across the inside of his eyelids. He looks back at Liam, earnest and vulnerable. Fuck. Why can't he say no to this boy?

"I'm not going anywhere," he whispers finally. "I'm right here. C'mon, let's get you to bed." He makes quick work of Liam's socks and shoes and moves the brown haired boy gently into bed. Liam reaches out to him again. 

"Zayn?" There are _butterflies_ in Zayn's stomach, there's no other way to describe it and god but this is ridiculous because only George should be able to say his name like that. 

"Yeah, Li?" 

"Can I - Will you stay?" 

"Yeah, of course. Let me get you some water, ok?" Liam nods, his eyes fluttering closed already. 

Louis comes up behind him as he's trying to find a clean glass. 

"I'm always on your side, you know that. But Liam's one of our best mates now and just. Be careful ok?" Louis whispers in his ear. Zayn looks up at him helplessly. 

"I'm trying," Zayn replies quietly. Louis' smile is sympathetic and his eyes are kind when he ruffles Zayn's hair. 

"I know." 

He coaxes a very reluctant, very sleepy Liam into drinking water and then slides into bed with him trying to give him some space, but Liam curls against his side instinctively, already half asleep. The feeling is sort of new to him - he's normally the one curling up against George. He decides not to think about it.

"If you throw up on me, Payne, I swear to God -" Zayn murmurs, but there's no bite in his voice. Liam just mumbles something indistinguishable into Zayn's ear, breath evening out.

He hears Louis gather his stuff and leave the room, shutting the light on his way out and he closes his eyes, tries to convince himself that this is okay, that George wouldn't mind. He falls into a restless sleep. 

\--

Zayn wakes up to a movement on his side and he cracks an eye open in time to see Liam making a run for the bathroom. A moment later he hears vomiting from the other side of the door and he winces sympathetically. 

"Liam?" he knocks, glass of water in hand. "You alright in there?" Liam comes out of the bathroom a moment later, wiping his mouth.

"Yeah, fine," he says. His voice is bitter and Zayn sees a touch of self-loathing in his eyes. "I'm sorry about all of this. I shouldn't have come here last night." 

"You're fine, Li," Zayn insists. "I'm glad you came here, I - " 

"God, when I woke up and realized I was in your _bed_ ," Liam interrupts. "I thought we, I thought _I_ had -" he tugs at his hair wretchedly, a faraway look in his eyes.

"Liam, you're _fine_ ," Zayn says firmly. "You were fine last night, just a little drunk. And you went straight to bed. No harm no foul. Ok? That bruise on the other hand...'fraid you might have that one for awhile." 

Liam nods, hand going up to touch his face lightly, teeth worrying his bottom lip lightly. Zayn's eyes drop to watch the movement.

"I barely remember being hit," he says softly. He still looks unconvinced and Zayn wants to shake him. Or kiss him. Bloody hell. They hear the door slam and then Louis' shouting. 

"My paper has officially been turned in. Thank. Fuck." Liam winces. 

"Oi," Zayn responds, turning to grin at his friend. "Keep it down will you? Liam's a bit hungover." Liam groans. 

"Hey mate," Louis says grinning mischeviously. "You look a bit worse for wear. Fun night?" 

Liam glares at him but Louis just laughs cheekily. 

"Better be rest up mate, because tonight, we are going _out_." 

\--

They sit stretched out in the subway car, taking swigs from their spiked soda bottles every time they notice a lost tourist, so that by the time they've travelled the hour it takes to get to Williamsburg they are all thoroughly enjoying themselves. The minute they step off the subway Niall notices a Waffles and Dinges truck and makes a run for it, the rest of the group trailing behind her. Liam and Zayn cling to each other and laugh, because one look from her has Louis and Harry shelling out the six bucks she needs to buy her a waffle loaded with chocolate syrup, dulce de leche and bananas. 

They wander slowly through Williamsburg, stopping occasionally to take bites from Niall or make a bad joke. It's cool and quiet and you can see a few stars here and it's a nice change. Zayn pauses to admire a mural on the wall, pulling out a cigarette and his lighter. George has a similar painting at his place, he remembers suddenly. He tries to force the memories away but they bubble up to the surface, his grip on them loosened by the alcohol. George had kissed him underneath it once. Told him he was perfect. He blinks himself back to reality, realizing that the rest of the group has moved on but Harry is still with him. 

"It's beautiful," Harry says softly and Zayn nods. He looks ahead to the brown haired boy walking with Niall, watching as he ruffles her hair and swings his arm around her. (George barely touches his hair.) Harry takes his hand then, interlacing their fingers. His hands are small and soft. (George's are big and rough.)

"I'm sorry Louis cancelled your vacation," Zayn mumbles, mostly to prevent the subject from turning to Liam. 

"Me too, but s'alright. He just worries about you, that's all. You should let him, he's good at it." They both laugh quietly and Zayn squeezes Harry's hand. 

"Do you love him?" Zayn asks, and Harry's expression is softened by the alcohol and something else. 

"Yeah, I do," he answers without hesitation. Zayn stares at him, taking a long pull from the cigarette. It's surprising that they fit together like this, Harry and Louis, Louis and Harry. Louis, with his fierce over-protectiveness and hidden vulnerabilities and Harry with his permanent smirk and sinful beauty. They shouldn't fit together but they _do_. He knows Louis doesn't think George and him fit. But Louis's wrong, he's sure of it. Zayn needs him, doesn't remember a time without him. Doesn't want to. Zayn studies Harry once more.

"He's been waiting for someone like you," Zayn comments finally, then back tracks and corrects himself. "He's been waiting _for you_." Harry's answering smile lights up his entire face and Zayn is suddenly not surprised at all. 

"Oi! Hurry up you two!" Louis calls. "I actually want to _get_ to Bembe!" They laugh together at the irony of it and run to catch up with the rest of the group.

\--

It's not yet midnight but the place is _packed_. Only Harry's been before and he insists it's brilliant and of course they have to go. There's music playing but the featured DJ - Zayn can't remember his name - comes on at 12 and they can sense the anticipation when they enter. 

"Can I buy you a drink?" Niall stand on her tip toes to whisper into his ear. Zayn grins and nods. She comes back a few moments later with two White Russians, Zayn's favorite. Liam's eyebrows raise when he sees, so Zayn passes it to him. 

"Fuck, that's chocolate milk," Liam exclaims over the music and Niall laughs. She looks beautiful tonight, in simple black pants and Zayn's old letterman jacket (George loves that jacket), blonde hair flowing down her back.

Louis comes up behind him and puts one hand on Zayn's waist, presses a shot glass to Zayn's lips with another. He downs the shot easily enough, the liquor muddling his brain wonderfully. He's a bit unsteady on his feet but Louis' grip is strong, stabilizing. Suddenly they hear the crackle of a mic come alive. 

"And now -" the rest of what the announcer has to say is lost under the screams and foot stamping and suddenly there's a beat pulsing through the crowd. Afro-Cuban. 

Louis pulls Zayn flush against him, moving their hips together in time to the song. Everything swerves around him in a blur and he shuts his eyes against the dizzying feeling. The music moves through him and his body moves of its own accord. Harry shifts in front of Zayn and it takes a moment for him to get the rhythm right but then the three of them are moving together. Zayn hears a moan from behind him and suddenly his two best friends are kissing over his shoulder. He groans, drops his head against Harry's neck, limbs heavy. Harry pushes back against him and Zayn feels the outline of his hard cock pressing against his thigh. 

Fuck. 

He breaks away, gasping. 

\--

The room vibrates and Zayn sways, pushes his way through the crowd. 

\--

He stumbles into the bathroom, shuts the door, slumps against it, drained. The bass sounds faint from here but the room still shakes. Zayn moves heavily towards the sink, leans into it. He really did not mean to get so drunk. He splashes cold water over his face but when he looks up his image in the mirror swims. Fuck. 

"Zayn?" Liam's voice echoes against the cold tiles of the bathroom. Fucking, fuck. "Are you alright?" He's wide eyed and flushed from dancing, sweaty hair sticking to his forehead, lips parted slight from panting, and he's beautiful enough that suddenly Zayn can't remember why this is a bad idea, but it is, _it is_. 

"Yeah, fine," Zayn hears the slurred response before realizing its his own voice. "Just drunk. You should go," he mumbles, not quite meeting Liam's eye. Liam moves towards him. He says something but Zayn is staring at his lips. 

"Zayn - " The hoarseness of his voice catches Zayn's attention and he looks up. Liam is closer than he remembers, and there's a hunger in his eyes that has Zayn catching his breath. They lean into each other, lips nearly touching and the _heat_ of it sparks and pools in Zayn's belly, makes him inhale sharply. He lets out a soft moan, moving a hair closer. He feels Liam's sharp intake of breath and then Liam is stepping back and away. 

"You're drunk," Liam says in a wrecked voice. He clenches his fists at his side and takes a deep breath. Zayn reaches out for him, puts one hand on his waist to draw him closer, wants him so much closer, but Liam just rests a hand over his for a moment before gently disentangling himself. "Come on, let's get you outside for a bit, you'll feel better with some fresh air." 

He places a strong, gripping arm around Zayn and steers him out the door into the crowded club. Here people are still going strong, moving fiercely, beautifully to the music. It makes him think of Niall so he presses himself close to Liam, whispers in his ear. 

"She's alright, I left her with Harry and Louis," Liam responds back into Zayn's ear and Zayn shivers at the feel of his lips. He turns his focus back to the rest of the people and the space tilts. Fuck. He wavers, off balance. 

"I've got you," Liam says from behind him, hands gripping his waist. They make their way slowly through the crowd until they've reached the exit and at the first brush of cool air Zayn groans gratefully. 

"Thanks," he murmurs, when the door shuts behind them and they're enveloped in quiet. Fuck. He turns towards the wall and leans over, throws up on the pavement. 

"Glad to see I can return the favor," Liam says, chuckling, but he grips the back of Zayn's neck and his weight is a reassurance.

"You should get back inside. Niall's probably being molested by L-larry. And I'll be alright out here. There are stars here." Any place that has stars is alright. 

"I'll stay," Liam says softly. He leads Zayn away from the puke and towards another part of the wall, leaning back and putting his arm around him, pulling him close. Zayn leans into him and smells cigarettes and a faint whiff of Armani. He looks up.

"You're wearing my leather jacket," Zayn says and he's smirking all of a sudden. Liam is blushing, face warm. 

"Yeah, sorry I - " 

"How come I didn't notice before?" He fingers the material gently. "Suits you." 

Liam bites his bottom lip. 

"Thanks," he mumbles. Zayn stares at him. 

"You're embarrassed." 

Liam grows redder and Zayn can't understand why. 

"Yeah," he mutters darkly, looking down. Zayn stares at him some more. The spots on the wall behind Liam's head blend together. 

"That suits you too." 

Liam laughs at that, his entire body vibrating with it. 

"Jesus, you're impossible, Zayn," but he just pulls him closer. 

Zayn is inexplicably pleased. 

\--

Niall, Louis and Harry find them like that a while later. They are flushed and sweaty and they all look beautiful to Zayn. He tells them so and they laugh at him. Harry pulls at Louis to give him a quick kiss. 

"You two are so stupid," Niall says suddenly, addressing Liam and Zayn, voice slurred. She stumbles slightly but Harry has a firm grip on her waist. He leans down and whispers something in her ear and she leans back into him, nodding.

"C'mon, Zayner," she takes his hand and leads the way.

"Oh boy, now we're never gonna find our way home," Louis complains and Zayn turns around to give him the two fingered salute. 

\--

Their sociology professor ends lecture ten minutes early and Zayn is so grateful he can hardly stand it. He turns to Liam who shoots him an easy smile. 

"So how are we celebrating last day of classes before break?" Liam asks casually. 

"Oh, hadn't thought about that," Zayn responds slowly. "Louis and Harry have rehearsal, and I'm not sure about Niall but I was planning on going downtown to pick up a few things for my mum and sisters. I thought we celebrated last week," he adds, grimacing slightly as he recalls what he can remember of that night.

"Oh," Liam says, and he looks a bit crestfallen so Zayn adds,

"You're welcome to join me downtown," and means it. "I could use the company and I'm hopeless with directions." 

Liam smiles brightly at him. 

"Yeah sure. I've got to meet the team at eleven but we should be back before that right?" Zayn nods, smiles back. 

\--

The subways are jammed to the brim with rush hour traffic and Liam and Zayn are shoved together into a tiny crevice of the car. Someone's elbow is poking painfully into his stomach and he's definitely rubbing up against the bum of an old man in a suit behind him. He grins at Liam though, can't get enough of this city if he's being honest. Liam offers him an earbud after he realizes he's forgotten his iPod and he quirks his eyebrow when he hears the sound of an Indian drum and the foreign lyrics. 

"Niall," Liam says by way of explanation, and Zayn laughs. 

\--

They spend a couple hours walking through St. Mark's place, stepping in and out of consignment stores and boutiques, laughing at the stuff they come across. Zayn buys little trinkets for each of his sisters and a beautiful necklace for his mother. Liam is surprisingly helpful and when Zayn asks him about it he shrugs. 

"I have a younger sister," Liam explains. "She's really into this kind of stuff." 

"I have three, and I still don't know anything," Zayn says hopelessly. "You two must be close." 

"We were," Liam says softly, and he has that faraway look in his eyes again. Before Zayn can ask him about it, he changes the subject. 

"I thought you weren't going to be seeing your mum and sisters?" 

"I'll put them in the post when I'm in England. It's a lot cheaper," he explains to Liam, who nods, smile still slightly strained. Zayn decides to let the subject lie. 

At seven pm, Zayn's stomach grumbles and he smiles at Liam sheepishly. 

"If you don't mind a small walk, I know a place we can go," Liam says. "It's great, you'll love it." 

\--

They walk uptown a bit to Max Brenner's and Liam smiles broadly at him before opening the door. Zayn steps inside to heaven on earth in a restaurant because lining the dark walls of this place is every different type of chocolate you can imagine. Zayn's mouth waters.

"Holy crap, this place is. It's _perfect_ ," Zayn breathes and Liam laughs at him, throwing his head back.

"You don't even know," he says solemnly when he can catch his breath again.

Zayn lets Liam order for them and he watches as Liam sits back in his chair, makes small talk with the waitress who nods and smiles like Liam is the best thing that's happened in her ten hour shift. Tells one of his stupid jokes and when she laughs his eyes light up like that was his sole purpose. He places his order as a question, easing into it as if she was his friend, not his server, and he doesn't bother with a menu. Zayn wonders how many times he's been here, who he's taken with him.

"I'm going to miss you," Zayn says when she's gone, because it's true, he is, and he wants Liam to know. Liam snorts in disbelief.

"When you're with George?" he asks, "Nah, I doubt it." But he's smiling anyway.

"So you've worked in a restaurant before?" Zayn asks then. Liam frowns, confused. "You were really good with the waitress," Zayn explains and the creases in Liam's forehead smooth out. He chuckles.

"No, no. My sister did though, and she'd come back from work late at night demanding a foot massage and an open ear. The horror stories she's told me," Liam laughs fully now. "I can't help but feel sympathetic. And leave big tips."

"Where is she now?"

"Still in Florida, her first year at state school," Liam says a bit wistfully.

"You miss her," Zayn says slowly. Liam offers him a small smile but his answer is short.

"It's complicated," he replies. Zayn wants to know more but their waitress is back, bearing a large plate of macaroni and cheese. Liam grins up at her, shoots her a thanks and she blushes, waves a hand.

"So how are Harry and Louis taking the upcoming separation?" Liam asks around a forkful of macaroni.

"Not sure, to be honest," Zayn says, considering the question. "I think they're alright. It's only ten days, after all. But sometimes Harry seems so young."

"He is," Liam says, picking at the macaroni, trying to get more cheese. "He skipped a grade, or level, or however your system works. So he's two years younger than you, three less than me." Zayn hums.

"You're right, didn't think about it like that. Anyway, they'll be fine," Zayn says, but the pitch of his voice rises towards the end, turning his words into a question and Liam catches it and its implication, smiles reassuringly at him.

"Yeah, course they will be," he says. Their waitress is back, here to replace their empty plate with a huge slice of chocolate cake and two glasses of milk and Liam must have really done a number on her because Zayn has never seen better service. They don't talk much after that, just enjoy the food and the smooth jazz playing over the speakers and every so often they catch each other's eye and grin, chocolate between their teeth.

When the bill comes, Liam's paying before Zayn can even get a word in.

"Smooth, Payne. Didn't know you had it in you," he says, blushing slightly. Liam smirks.

"I've still got some secrets, Malik," Zayn laughs but he's still blushing and Liam must notice because he says, "Don't worry, you'll get the next one, alright?" 

Zayn nods, somewhat placated.

\--

"What secrets?" Zayn asks later on when they're in the subway. The rush has died down and this time they have seats. Liam's closed his eyes but now he reopens them to stare at Zayn.

"Hmm?" Liam hums, gaze questioning. 

"You said you still had secrets," Zayn says slowly. "And you don't talk much about your family and you don't go home, like ever. Hell, I didn't even know you had a sister until today." The shadow's back. 

"What's there to talk about?" Liam replies after a moment, looking down at his hands. "They're just. A normal family. In a normal small town, where everyone's the same and news travels fast," bitterness infiltrates the last few words.

"But you don't talk about them _at all_ ," Zayn insists. 

"You don't talk about George," Liam shoots back. Zayn looks away. 

"That's - different. If I talk about him I miss him," Zayn says softly. 

"Well then, it's the same for me," Liam says firmly. Zayn doesn't believe him but he doesn't ask anymore questions. 

"Thanks for coming with me today," says Zayn instead, "And for dinner." 

Liam's smile is back then, eyes crinkling at the corners. 

"Yeah," he leans back again, closing his eyes, a faint smile lingering. 

\--

They say their goodbyes in front of Columbia gates. Louis has managed to convince Harry that he doesn't need to go to the airport with them and now they just stand together, Louis's hands cupping Harry's face, and Harry holding onto Louis's wrists. They don't talk but thoughts fly between them anyway and Zayn can't help but feel a tinge of jealousy. He rarely can tell what George is thinking. Louis pulls Harry forward for a sweet kiss and then throws his arms around him, drawing him in close, murmuring into his ear. 

Zayn smiles when Liam and Niall show up together from across the street. Niall leaps into his arms and he swings her about once before setting her down. There's something in her eyes like worry and it should make him angry but it's Niall so he lets it slide, just kisses her forehead and tells her he'll be back in ten days and that she should email him and to _behave_. 

He pulls Liam into a hug before he can question it, his arms a warm comfort around him. 

"I'll miss you," Liam whispers into ear softly, hesitantly, and Zayn nods against his neck. They break away smiling at each other. Louis and Harry join them and Louis hugs Liam roughly, ruffling up his hair. Harry reaches around Louis and pulls Zayn towards him, wrapping his arms around him and clinging to him. 

"Come back soon, alright?" Harry whispers into Zayn's ear. Zayn pulls away and nods, hand going up to pull at one of his curls. 

"We'll be back before you know it, yeah?" 

Harry smiles so only one of his dimples shows and Zayn pokes at it until Harry's smiling properly. He steps out and hails a cab and together they load the luggage. Niall's clinging to Louis and he puts his arm around her. 

"You're being silly," he says gently. "It's only one week and we parted for an entire summer last year. Come now." 

"I just have a bad feeling about this," Niall responds softly, her eyes darting hesitantly to Zayn. 

"Don't _worry_ ," Louis laughs. "Zayn's going to take proper care of me, aren't you Zayner?" Zayn rolls his eyes but he smiles reassuringly at Niall. 

Louis gives Harry one last kiss before getting into the cab and pulling Zayn down with him. They close the door and stick their heads out the window. 

"Bye you lot, be good! Don't get into too much mischief while we're gone!" Louis calls cheekily. 

"Laguardia, please" Zayn tells the taxi driver. Louis settles back and pulls Zayn towards him, settling his head comfortably on top of his own. 

Zayn's heart is beating too fast. 

\--


	3. Chapter 3

Louis sleeps through the whole flight, head resting on Zayn's shoulder, mouth open, but Zayn remains awake, restless with anticipation. 

\--

At the airport they hail two separate cabs and then they embrace tightly. 

"I am just a phone call away," Louis says fiercely and Zayn can only shake his head, torn between anger and gratitude.

\--

His hands itch in the cab and he grabs his pack of cigarettes from his bag, rolling down the window. His hands shake as he lights up, takes a drag. He's nervous. Nervous excited mostly. But also just, nervous. 

\--

They stand there staring at each other for a moment before George lets him into the house silently. He's taller than Zayn remembers somehow and he hasn't shaved so there's dark stubble lining his wide jaw. 

"You're just as beautiful as I remember you," George says after a moment, gripping Zayn's face and pulling him close. Zayn blushes, smiles shyly. "Have you been behaving yourself?" there's a growl underneath his words so Zayn hurriedly answers. 

"Yeah, of course, love," George nods gruffly and kisses him hard, and Zayn can't help himself, he moans into the kiss, leaning into it, hands scrambling for George's waist. 

"Still desperate for it, aren't you babe," George murmurs into Zayn's mouth and Zayn nods because it's true, he is. He's being lowered to the floor right then and there and George is kissing his neck, biting at his collarbone roughly and Zayn moans, arches into the touch. 

"Please," he whines, and George laughs at him. 

"You want my cock babe? You'll get it, don't worry." 

Zayn moans, tries to slow things down because he hasn't done this in months but George is relentless. He doesn't bother removing Zayn's shirt, just unbuckles his trousers and yanks them down, enough so that Zayn can fold his legs up. He gets his own trousers undone, grabbing a condom from his back pocket and Zayn tries to smirk at his preparedness but George is spitting on his finger and entering him quickly with it and Zayn cries out from equal parts pleasure and pain. 

A second finger is being added and he feels the scissoring, tries to relax, to let it happen. 

"George, love, I haven't done this - Can we -" he pants but George is too focused on lining his cock up to his entrance, pushing in without pause. There's a _burn_ and tears spring to Zayn's eyes but he blinks them away because George is just desperate, desperate for _him_ and that means something doesn't it. 

His cock has softened a bit so he begins to stroke himself quickly, knowing George doesn't like it when Zayn's soft while they're making love. It starts to feel good after a bit, and George is reaching that spot right _there_ and he moans his name. 

After George comes he pulls out slowly, ties off the condom and throws it to the side somewhere and then lays down heavily next to Zayn. Zayn closes his eyes and strokes himself, focusing on George's proximity and the way his breath hitches as he watches. He comes silently all over his t-shirt. 

"Welcome back," George smirks, getting up slowly and helping Zayn up after him. "Grab the condom will you?" 

\--

Zayn wakes up to a beep from his cell phone. The bed is empty and cold and he rubs his eyes and checks the time. Ten thirty am. There's a text from Louis and a picture shows up on his phone of him and his four sisters. Zayn gazes fondly at it.

" _we all miss u here. esp Lottie. how're u?_ "

" _m'fine. tell her i love her. miss u too. stay out of trouble._ " he responds quickly. Then he gets out of bed, stretching in the soft morning glow. 

\--

George is in the living room watching telly and when Zayn enters he whips his head back and grins at him wolfishly. 

"Good you're up. 'Ve got to show you something." He leads Zayn by the elbow down a long hallway and finally turns to stand in front of a closed door, a huge grin spreading across his face. 

"Brace yourself, babe, this is gonna blow you away." He opens the door with a flourish and Zayn lets out a small gasp, because jesus it really is mind blowing. Lined from wall to wall of the huge room are tables of potted marijuana plants. The room is dank and smells like dirt and weed and Zayn almost chokes. 

"Best product for miles, I'm telling you," George says proudly. "We've got a whole network working deals now. I get the biggest cut obviously and it makes a good fucking business. Never thought I'd be able to expand like this did you?" George smirks. 

"This is _brilliant_ , love," Zayn breathes, trying not let on that he's nervous. George cups Zayn's face. 

"When are you coming back home for good baby? I need you for this." 

Zayn's body warms wonderfully and he gives George a soft smile. 

"Soon. Two years and I'll be done." 

"Fuck that," George says, scowling. "Stuck up bastards want to tell you you need to get an education but let me tell you something, I'm going to make more money than you ever will and I'll be damned if I ever step foot inside a college." 

Zayn flushes, embarrassed. He's probably right, anyway.

"I'm just going to make mum happy," Zayn says quietly. "Then I'll be back here for good, doing whatever you need me to do, alright love?" 

"Yeah. You make your sodding mum happy. And then you better fucking come back," his hand grips Zayn's wrist painfully tight and Zayn tries not to wince. "I better not hear that you've taken up with some dirty slut from the States." 

"Of-of course not, George, baby, I would never -" he stammers, heart in his throat. It seems to calm George and he nods, loosening his grip on Zayn's wrist and bringing it to his lips to kiss away the bruise gently. Zayn shuts his eyes in relief. 

"I'm sorry babe," George says against his skin. "I just want you here with me. I'm sorry if I hurt you." He tilts Zayn's chin up and kisses him smoothly. "Come on, I want you to experience the quality of this stuff." 

\--

They spend the day in bed, kissing sweet smoke into each other's mouths.

\--

Zayn wakes up before George the next morning and quietly disentangles himself from the his arms and pads silently into the kitchen. He busies himself checking the fridge and cupboards, trying to turn the meager contents of George's pantry into breakfast. He hums to himself softly, unable to erase the touch of a smile that flits across his lips from time to time. 

At ten thirty am his phone goes off and Zayn rolls his eyes but reaches for it anyway. Louis's sent him a picture of him and his mum and they're holding out a plate of pancakes. 

" _mum made ur favo this morning. she misses u too keeps going on n on abt the last drawing u did of her howre u x_ " 

Zayn's smiles despite himself and types out a quick reply ( _im fine ik ur worrying STOP_ ) before hurrying to catch the eggs before they burn. 

When George wakes up he musses Zayn's hair and tells him he doesn't know how he survives without him and Zayn feels _cherished_.  
\--

In the evening George tells him he has to step out to make a delivery. Zayn wants to go with him but George won't let him, claims it's for his protection, so Zayn just sits on the bed dully as he watches George get ready to go. 

\--

When George comes back he's plastered and horny. They fuck hard and fast and in silence except for Zayn's occasional whimpers and George's low, heavy grunts. 

\--

They settle into a quiet pattern for a few days. Zayn wakes up early to make breakfast for George, but it goes cold by the time he manages to drag himself out of bed. Then there's a text from Louis at ten thirty on the dot that Zayn cannot be cruel enough to ignore.

They spend the day lazing about in the quiet, smoking or sleeping, and Zayn thinks the silence is comforting and familiar and he thinks this is what it's like to be in love.

George leaves in the evenings and Zayn wanders around the house aimlessly, answering emails from Niall or catching up on coursework. He calls his mum a lot, apologizing for being so close and yet so far away and it's good to hear her voice, still a soft strength in his ear even though they're miles apart. 

George comes back drunk and sometimes they fuck and sometimes he passes out from exhaustion and Zayn will cuddle up next to him, pushing in as close as he can and breathing in his scent made sharp by the liquor on his breath. 

\--

The painting is still where Zayn remembers it to be and he stands under it once when the house is empty and quiet, wrapping his arms around himself and remembering the feel of George's chapped lips pressing against his own. 

\--

Zayn settles comfortably at the desk in their bedroom and turns up the volume on his laptop. It's eleven pm here so it's only five pm in the states but Zayn thinks Harry, Niall and Liam are already drunk. He can't help but grin at them, glad to see their faces, distorted as they are by the skype camera. They wave at him and their lips are moving but Zayn can't make out what they're saying so he just smiles like a loon and nods his head. Niall and Liam disappear off the screen and Harry is left just looking at him and smiling. He turns his hair down and musses it up and then flips it back and Zayn feels a tightening in his chest when he realizes how much he's missed that small gesture.

" _u cant hear us cn u?_ " Harry types into the bottom part of the screen. Zayn shakes his head. " _niall nd liam are rly drunk. we all miss u a lot. is everything OK over there?_ " Zayn nods again and smiles. He's in the middle of typing something when he hears the front door slam so he backspaces and retypes. 

" _george just came in. let me see if he wants to meet u guys._ " 

When George comes into the room though, he's drunker than usual and Zayn knows instinctively that it's a bad idea. He swallows thickly and shuts his laptop. 

"Hey babe," he says. "How was it?" 

"Who was that?" George asks, tone sharp and on edge.

"What? No one," Zayn responds, keeping his voice calm.

"You're lying. I saw a face. Is that your fuck buddy from school _babe_?" George sneers, face contorted, and the endearment sounds dirty in his mouth. Zayn blanches. "You tryna skype with your fuck buddy when I leave the house? You give him a show from my bed?" George's voice sounds low and dangerous and Zayn fights to keep the fear at bay. Distant, foggy memories threaten to overcome him but he pushes them back, takes a deep breath. 

"Of course not, my love, you're my only, you know that." 

George _growls_ at him. 

"You piece of shit." He takes Zayn's laptop and flings it to the floor and Zayn is out of his chair and backing into a corner. He just needs to calm him down and then everything will be ok again. But George's eyes are bloodshot and as he steps closer Zayn sees the vein popping from his neck. " _Slut_. You think I don't know what you get up to when I'm not there? How many cocks have you sucked?" 

"George, please," Zayn whispers. "You're wrong -" The skin on skin contact makes an obscene noise and Zayn winces, tears springing to his eyes as he reaches out to touch his reddening cheek. 

"Don't fucking tell me I'm wrong. You think you're better than me because you go to school with all those pretty boy cock suckers? You're nothing but a _whore_ Zayn and I think..." he trails off, his gaze malicious and predatory. But it's just the alcohol, it's just the alcohol. "And I think you need to be reminded about exactly _whose whore you are_." Zayn's chest constricts and he can't breathe. No, not again, _please_.

"No, George, please. I know, I swear," Zayn begs. 

"Say it." Zayn swallows. Tears run silently down his cheeks and his mouth moves but no sounds comes out. It's going to be _Okay_. It'll be over soon. George hits him hard, straight in the stomach and Zayn sputters, vision blurring, but he doesn't cry out. " _Say it_."

"I'm your whore," Zayn whispers. George raises his hand once more and Zayn closes his eyes, whimpering as he tries to shut out the blows. It'll go away. It'll go away and things will go back to normal he's just angry. 

"Louder," George demands, and Zayn repeats the ugly words in between cries, crumpling in on himself, a sharp pain shooting up his right leg. George is chanting _againagainagain_ and kicking at him in time to the words, laughing when Zayn sobs out, begs him to stop, pleadspromiseswhimpers but George's voice is cruel and unforgiving and his callous laughter rings out in the small room. 

"You filthy fucking bitch," George is saying and he's delivering blow after blow on Zayn's curled up form and then the world goes cold. 

\--

Zayn wakes up and immediately pulls back into himself, away from the person in the corner of his vision.

"Jesus," Louis says, voice stifled and cracked. He looks like he's just been slapped."It's me Zayn. It's Louis. I'm not -" he chokes, "Fuck," he wipes at his face angrily. "I'm not going to hurt you."

"Lou?" Zayn's throat is sore and and his voice sounds foreign to him and he's beginning to notice that everything hurts. He closes his eyes briefly and he can suddenly feel the blows on him again, see George's disgusted face, smell the booze. He shudders, opens his eyes to focus on Louis' face. Louis' eyes are red and his hair is matted and he looks exhausted and miserable. "What happened?" he asks with some effort. "Where am I?"

"You're in a hospital," Louis whispers. "I -" He can't go on and he wipes his face with a hand in frustration.

"It's alright, Lou," Zayn says soothingly. He reaches out an unsteady hand to cover Louis' where it rests on the hospital bed. "I'm alright."

"I'm sorry, I'm supposed to be -" he shakes his head, anger at himself visible beneath the tear stained lines of his face and Zayn is suddenly so sorry to have put him through this. He's hurting everyone around him and it makes him sick. "I found you," Louis says when he can speak again. "When you didn't answer my text this morning I - Well, I got worried. And when I found you I - I've never seen it that bad, I - Jesus Zayn, I thought you were dead." There are silent tears streaming down his face now and it makes Zayn's stomach turn and his eyes blur. He doesn't know how to make this better.

"Come here," Zayn decides on finally. "It's alright, Louis. I'm right here. Come here. Hold me." He thinks he's doing alright because Louis sniffles, offers him a watery smile before climbing gently into the narrow hospital bed and fitting his arm around him. Zayn controls his wince because he _hurts_ but it feels good to have Louis close. Makes him brave enough to ask the questions he's afraid to know the answers to.

"How bad?" he asks into Louis' chest.

"It's not so bad," Louis' voice is steadier now and Zayn is grateful. "Docs were worried because you were out cold for so long but they think that could have been more of a mental reason than a physical one -"

"How long?" Zayn interrupts.

"About 14 hours? It's around 3 in the afternoon now."

"And George?" Zayn's voice is barely audible to his own ears but he can feel Louis tense around him.

"He - wasn't there - when I got there," Louis manages to keep his tone neutral but Zayn knows what he's thinking anyway. "What happened Zayn?" Zayn shuts his eyes, shakes his head. It's so embarrassing. Such a stupid mistake. Louis nuzzles into his hair, kissing his forehead and Zayn sighs.

"So, when can I go home?" Zayn asks, voice small.

"I'm not sure, Zayner, I'm sorry. The nurse said you have a few bruised ribs and a sprained ankle so you're going to need crutches and -" he breaks off. "Fuck Zayn, please," and the desperation is back in Louis' voice. "Please Zayner, I'm begging you. Don't go back to him. Not after this. You're in the hospital because of him. He hurt you so badly I found you passed out on the floor of your bedroom and. That's not love, Zayn." He cups Zayn's chin, forcing him to look at him. Zayn tries to look away but he can't, he's drawn by something in Louis' eyes that pins him helplessly in his stare.

"He's only human. He - he has anger issues," Zayn mumbles but even he can hear that his voice is half hearted and when did that change?

"He just left you there Zayn. Even when he had cooled down he just. Zayn. That's not love." Zayn screws his eyes shut against the words but they press into him anyway, reverberating in his mind, creating a chasm there. And it's more painful than any physical blow to feel this kind of change, to have it sweep over you and knock the air out of you all at once because maybe Louis's right.

There's a shift in his vision suddenly, and the strength of his arms, the fear of his drunken breath, the alarm from his raised voice comes flooding to Zayn and he tries to push it all away, tries to bring back the warmth of a shared joint or the ease of a comfortable silence because this is all he knows, all he's ever known. But Louis' words play on repeat _that'snotlovethat'snotlove_ and Louis' strong arms - arms that he's never afraid of - anchor him.

Maybe it isn't love.

Zayn trembles in those arms and Louis holds on tighter, murmuring into his hair and stroking his bruised arms lightly. His ribs ache dully but it's a good pain, a pain that means he's still here, a pain that maybe means he can move on.

\--

Zayn wakes up to pain, building low in his stomach and taking his breath away. He stifles a groan, careful to keep still so as not to wake Louis, who is still curled up at his side, breathing steady. He grips the side of the bed until his knuckles turn white, trying to take deep breaths. Louis stirs but doesn't wake and Zayn bites his lip, tries to keep from trembling, praying it'll subside quickly.

Just when he decides he can't take it anymore a nurse walks in. She takes one look at his pale, strickened face and hurries to his side, fumbling to change the morphine bag. Louis does wake now, blinking away sleep and sitting up slightly, watching the nurse's movements sleepily.

"You should have rang for one of us," she chides gently, adjusting his IV, "Your body is too weak to handle that amount of pain right now, alright honey?" Zayn feels Louis' entire body tense next to him and he forces himself to nod sheepishly.

"I can see about getting an extra cot in here for you if you'd like," she says to Louis.

"I'm fine," he replies, and his voice is strained and curt. She just nods and Zayn imagines she's dealt with much worse.

"You should go home," Zayn says when she leaves and the pain has subsided enough for him to breathe easily. The sun is setting and its last rays stream in through the small window. Zayn's nose is numbed by the smell of antiseptic. He turns to his best friend, looking up at him from where his head is lying on his chest.

"I'm good here," Louis replies shortly, keeping his eyes closed. "We'll go home together tomorrow."

"Lou - " Zayn protests weakly. Louis opens his eyes to stare hard at Zayn.

"Yes?" he prompts, eyebrows raised.

"I have - All my stuff is at George's."

"Buy new stuff," Louis says firmly, and closes his eyes against anything else Zayn wants to say.

\--

In the end, Louis does convince him to stay at his mom's place for the few days they have left before their flight. It's not a difficult decision, not when Louis' looking at him like that. Zayn's heart is in his throat as he stares up at Louis' closed off face. Louis watches as Zayn's doctors run a few tests, give him instructions for pain medication and a referral for a psych consult, and his expression is unreadable, shoulders set. Zayn tries to make a joke out of it after they leave, discharge papers signed, but Louis doesn't laugh, doesn't say anything.

\--

He's quiet in the car too. The drive is long and fuzzy music plays on the radio and Zayn tries to believe it's like the road trips they used to take together when they were younger, feet up on the dashboard, windows rolled down, but there's a pair of crutches lying in the backseat and two new bruises color Zayn's arm and he's so tired.

"Have you spoken to any of the others?" Zayn asks quietly, voice barely audible over the gentle thrum of the engine. Niall might worry because he hasn't written to her in a few days. Louis shrugs, hands gripping the steering wheel firmly.

"Spoke to Niall," he says noncommitally. Zayn nods in relief.

"And Harry? How is he?" Louis shrugs again, mouth forming a thin line.

"I'm sure he's fine," Louis answers finally.

"Are you guys -"

"We're fine," Louis cuts him off, voice crisp. Zayn wants desperately to say more. Wants Louis to yell and scream and hit him like George does because this wall is so much worse. He hesitates, but can't resist.

"And - and Li?"

"Liam's fine, Zayn." 

Zayn nods, shrinks back into his chair, leaving Louis alone with his thoughts.

Instead he passes time trying to harmonize to the sounds on the stereo, until Louis turns it off without a word. Zayn swallows and closes his eyes but doesn't try to break the heavy silence.

\--

Louis opens the car door for him and helps him to stand, passing him his crutches. He doesn't return Zayn's smile. But Jay is there, pressing a kiss to his forehead and clutching his shoulders gently, and in the late afternoon sun she looks beautiful and just as Zayn remembers her.

"We're so glad to have you Zayn," she says softly. He searches her eyes for pity but there is none. Either Louis hasn't given her details, or she's a great actor. He's thankful. "The girls are thrilled," she says, "and maybe you can tell me more about this Harry Styles." Zayn's eyes widen. He's seen Louis through several relationships, but none of them have ever been brought to Jay's attention. He thinks of Harry's soft smile and wonders if this is it for Louis. He can hear his friend groan in the background but he smiles at Jay as he hobbles up the steps, clumsy with the crutches.

"He's brilliant, Jay, you'd love him. He's also very fit," Zayn says with as much cheek as he can muster and Jay tuts a little, laughing. She holds open the front door for him and he barely makes it through before the girls are there. The twins and Felicite curl themselves around him carefully and he wishes he could pick them up and throw them over his shoulder like he used to. He leans down to gather them close, stumbles a bit, but Louis' hand is on his shoulder, steadying him. Zayn looks up at him, but his face is masked and Zayn can feel a lump in his throat.

"It's so good to see you girls," he says warmly, trying to focus on the way they press against him, feel like home. Lottie hangs back, waits her turn and when he looks up at her she moves forward, embracing him lightly.

"Missed you," she whispers into his ear and he smiles, feeling her soft hair slide between his fingers. She smells like days on the porch and revising on Louis' kitchen table and Zayn breathes her in greedily. He pulls back to examine her thoroughly.  

"God, you're beautiful Lots," he says, grinning at her. "Better keep an eye on this one, Lou." Louis just nods though, and Zayn turns back to Lottie in time to catch her pretty blush and the careless roll of her eyes.

"Come on, girls, let's let him through," Jay says. "Would you like anything to eat Zayn?" Zayn's hungry but the distance Louis's putting between them cuts through him and he _can't_. Not for a minute longer.  

"Thanks, Jay, I know you've gone through a lot of trouble, but I think I'm going to pass. I'm exhausted," he says apologetically. Jay nods.

"You're fine, honey. Louis why don't you show him to the guest room? That way you won't have to climb stairs."

"What happened to you, Zayner?" Phoebe interrupts, green eyes doelike and innocent. Zayn flushes.

"I -"

"He just tripped and fell, Phoebs," Louis cuts in and Zayn shoots him a grateful look. "He's going to be all better soon." She nods and smiles before pulling at her sister's hand.

\--

"There's extra blankets in the cabinet if you need them and mum pulled out a few of my clothes for you to use," Louis says. Zayn's never slept here; when they were younger they'd always share Louis' bed, and this place feels foreign, leaves a weird taste on his tongue. Louis' stance is tense and Zayn wants to cry. Instead he attempts to tug off his shirt, a soft cry of pain escaping his lips when he tries to move his arms up.

"Here, let me -" Louis moves closer, removes his shirt for him gently, hands fluttering across the rough edges of Zayn's bandages.

"Do you want - " he asks, gesturing at Zayn's trousers. Zayn nods, flushing. He feels like a child and Louis won't fucking _look_ at him. He just unties the drawstring, kneeling to pull them down and over Zayn's cast. When he stands again he's still not meeting Zayn's eye.

"Sleep well," he mumbles, turns to leave, movements stiff. A flood of desperation runs hot through Zayn's blood.

" _Louis_ ," Zayn breathes. He tries to get up, but fails, sinking heavily onto the bed. Louis turns slightly anyway, hand on the doorknob, knuckles white. "Please. I'm sorry for this mess, I shouldn't have come here. Please Lou, look at me." Louis turns completely then and Zayn sees that his eyes are shining with tears.

"Don't - " he chokes out. "Don't apolo - just. Fuck. I'm not mad Zayn. I just. I can't get that image out of my head. Of you lying there - shit," he closes his eyes and there are dips in his face that were never there before and Zayn's chest tightens because Louis is schoolyard pranks and first kiss stories and staying out late and Zayn has never seen him so tired. "I almost lost you," he continues in a small voice. Zayn notices a small tremble in his hands. "I can't lose you, Zayn."

Zayn stretches out his hands to him but Louis shakes his head. "I'll be alright. and you're exhausted. Get some sleep, yeah? You shouldn't have to take care of me." Zayn opens his mouth to protest but the look on Louis' face stops him. "Good night Zayner," he says softly. "I love you so fucking much." He attempts a smiles then, and it's shaky but Zayn thinks he can trace the shape of the one that's reserved especially for him so Zayn allows himself to relax, exhaustion settling in his limbs.

\--

"Zayn. Zayn. C'mon love, wake up." Zayn wakes with a start, harsh words and drunken breath on the edge of his consciousness. He's breathing heavily and his ribs ache.

"Lou-?" he gasps out.

"You were having a bad dream," Louis says and his voice is strange and muffled. Zayn can't make out his face so he reaches out blindly. Louis' cheeks are damp with tears. Zayn fights to push away the remnants of his dreams (fists, shouting, rage).

"What's wrong Louis?" Zayn asks cautiously, when he's sure his voice will be steady.

"I - nothing. You were screaming. Lottie came and got me." Oh. Fuck.

"I'm so sorry Louis. I didn't mean -"

"Stop. Just. Let me -" he settles into bed besides Zayn, pulling him close. Zayn sighs into Louis' neck, grateful, clutching at Louis' thin t-shirt. His heartbeat is steady and close to his ear and Zayn buries himself in it, shutting out the bad dreams.

"I should be the one apologizing," Louis says suddenly, voice quiet and so young and Zayn thinks of knee scrapes and playground fights. Louis runs his fingers over Zayn's oldest scar, now surrounded by ugly bruises and new marks. Zayn shivers. "I should have been there sooner, I should have stopped him a year ago. I -" he breaks off now and he's sobbing suddenly, entire body trembling. Zayn clutches at him. "Fuck. Please don't go back to him," he says between shudders, "I know I have no right. But, please, Zayn. _Please_. I can't lose you. I can't. Just -"

Zayn shifts to pull Louis closer, his own eyes stinging with tears.

"You haven't lost me, Louis. I'm right here. Shhh. It's going to be alright." He clutches Louis tightly, pressing bruises into his forearms, forcing Louis to feel him. It's dark and silent except for Louis and there's snot on Zayn's neck and he feels sixteen again, putting Louis back together after his dad's left him, whispering promises into his hair. "I'm sorry I worried you, it's nothing. I'm fine. M'not going anywhere, ok? I'm right here," he says fiercely, willing Louis to believe him, to breathe.

They fall asleep like that, Louis curled around Zayn, a hand lying protectively on his chest. It's an early kind of darkness and it carries with it whispers of bad dreams and lost causes but Louis' presence keeps them at bay and Zayn's rest is dreamless.

\--

He's stretched out on the couch with his leg up, watching what ever the girls want to watch, and they giggle around him, tugging at each others' hair. Daylight streams through the window and things are both real and unreal at this time of morning.

Suddenly his phone rings. Lottie turns around instinctively to see that his face has become pale and his hands are trembling. 

"Lou? " She calls out. Louis's instantly there and Zayn looks up at him, holds out the phone. Louis' eyes widen but he looks determined and he gestures for the girls to clear out before settling at the edge of the couch. 

"Answer it, Zayn," Louis says softly, pushing the phone back towards him. Cartoons play in the background, but everything seems strangely muffled. Zayn looks up at Louis. 

"What?! I can't," he chokes out incredulously. "I -"

"You can," Louis says firmly. "Come on. I'm right here." Zayn closes his eyes and takes a deep breath and then hits accept. 

"Hello?" he asks cautiously, voice strangled. 

"Babe," breathes George's sweet voice over the line, and Zayn relaxes into it slightly. "There you are. Thank God you're ok." 

"Yeah, yeah," Zayn says softly, "I'm fine, George, I'm alright." 

"I've been so worried, babe," George says and his voice is soothing but Louis' hand is warm against his hip and Zayn won't allow himself to get swept away. Not again. He takes a deep breath. 

"You - you haven't called. You weren't there when I woke up." 

"I know, I - I thought you might tell somebody what happened. I panicked baby! But I'm calling now. I couldn't resist you. Because I love you. Come home." 

"You - you hurt me," Zayn' s voice is barely above a whisper and there are tears streaming down his cheeks now but he ignores them. 

"Babe, it won't happen again." George's voice is only slightly more forceful but Zayn winces away from it, tries to choke back a sob. 

"Shh," Louis whispers, clutching his arm tightly. "I'm right here, Zayner. Right here."

"You said that last time," Zayn says into the phone, voice stronger. He runs his finger over the old scar on his side unconsciously. Louis covers that hand with his own, lips tilted up in a small encouraging smile and Zayn remembers his tear stained face, red rimmed eyes, and suddenly this becomes so much easier.

"You said that last time, and the time before that. I can't do this anymore." 

"You little whore," George breathes into the phone. Louis leans into Zayn's neck and Zayn can feel his eyelashes flutter against sensitive skin. "No one will ever love you like I do." 

Zayn laughs then, humorlessly and Louis turns his face in, kisses Zayn's neck. 

"That's the thing. I don't want anyone to love me like this," Zayn says. "Goodbye George."

He clicks the phone off and throws it aside carelessly, muscles tight and strung out, numb.

(First - the painting was still there. George had kissed him underneath it once, soft and sweet. Then - a press of Harry's hand in his, a flicker of Liam and Niall, close and comfortable.)

Louis begins to rub circles into his skin, pressing into him security, warmth, _breath_ , and Zayn relents, relaxes into his touch slowly, body melting as the adrenaline leaves him, exhausted and weak. Without a word, Louis hooks his arm under the crook of Zayn's knees and the back of neck and lifts him up, begins to carry him to bed.

" _Louis_ ," Zayn protests, pressing his blushing face into Louis' chest. "What are you - ?"

"C'mon. Sleepy," Louis just mumbles, even though the morning sun is strong and high in the sky and they've just eaten breakfast.

They tumble into bed together and Zayn groans, attempts to slide clumsily away from Louis because it's too warm. Louis gets the idea, moves aside and settles in, smiling lazily down at Zayn.

"Do you mind getting my pain meds?" Zayn asks a bit sheepishly. Louis rolls his eyes.

"Prick," he says, with little bite, getting up heavily to fetch water and the pills.

\--

Zayn wakes up alone and he stretches slightly, ribs feeling sore and rusty. He lies in bed, tracing patterns into the white ceiling with his eyes, wondering where he left his crutches and whether he'll be able to get up without them. The thought both scares and frustrates him and for the first time he feels anger pulsing through him, clogging his lungs and pressing on his chest. He thinks it must be healthy.

Lottie meanders in about five minutes later, seemingly as attuned to Zayn as Louis is. She carries his crutches with her and helps him to get out of bed slowly, her eyebrows creased in a small frown.

"Louis's gone out," she explains, holding the door open for him as he hobbles into the kitchen.

He sits at the table as Jay fixes tea and Lottie pushes herself up onto the counter, swinging her legs about, chattering with her mother. When Jay sits down at the table, pushing his cup in front of him, she asks about Harry, and Zayn talks. Tells her about his curls and his beautiful voice and the way he pushes himself, and that Louis and him are working together on this show, yeah? He tries to explain the way they pull at each other, sharing energy and space and air, and she listens. Nods and smiles in the right places. But Zayn's not quite sure she understands, not quite sure _he_ understands.

\--

He calls his own mum, sitting on the couch, cradling the phone in his hand. He gives her the news on Jay and the girls, doesn't tell her why he's here, doesn't want her to worry. When she asks about George he only tells her that they need to work some things out, throws out words like distance and goals and the future. She sounds sad, but it's disconnected. She never really knew what they had had.

He breathes into the phone, tells her he misses her, asks about his sisters and he can hear her sweet smile through the phone. She laughs when she tells him that when she saw Jay's number on the caller ID and heard his voice come down the line it felt like he was back at school again, calling for help on a homework assignment. Zayn grips the phone tighter.

\--

Louis shows up about an hour later with Zayn's suitcase and bag and broken laptop and Zayn just stares at him, eyes wide.

"You need your passport for tomorrow," Louis explains. "He wasn't home. Didn't look like he'd been home for awhile," he adds, because Zayn's asking with his eyes, even as he tries to bite his tongue.

\--

The car ride to the airport is gloomy and Zayn feels restless. He slept well the night before, a combination of the strength of his pain meds and Louis' warm body next to his, and energy flows out through his thrumming fingers. He begins to sing to the radio, voice echoing in the still car, and the younger girls giggle and a small content noise escapes Lottie's lips. Jay turns around from the front seat to smile at Zayn, and Louis turns the radio up this time. Soon the girls want to hear their favorite songs so Louis shuts off the music and adds his own voice to the mix, unique timbre rising in the small space and pulling a reluctant chuckle from his mum. Zayn sings above him, making up nonsense words when he doesn't know the lyrics and sending the girls into fits of laughter.

Louis meets his eyes in the rearview mirror and grins at him.

\--

Jay cries into Louis' shoulder, looking small in his arms, and Louis whispers soothingly into her hair and tugs at her waist. The girls gather around them and Zayn leans on his crutches and watches them, exhausted already from the check-in procedures, pain meds a comforting weight in his pocket. Louis' mum extricates herself from the group to envelop him in a tight hug.

"Take care of yourself, alright Zayn?" she whispers into his ear, sniffling slightly, pulling away so he can breathe again and clutch at his sore ribs. Lottie looks up at him forlornly and he pulls her into himself.

"Gonna miss you, Lots," he says, and she nods into his shoulder but remains quiet. Louis grips the back of his neck tightly and Zayn nods at him and together they make their way to the gate, slow and steady.

\--

Louis is quiet throughout the flight, his usual energy dimmer somehow, and Zayn keeps a close watch on him through take off, eyes closed lightly, a small amount of tension traceable in the hands in his lap. When the fasten seat belt sign goes out, Zayn lifts the armrest so he can tug Louis closer to him and slip his arm around him.

"I'm going to miss them," he says after a moment. Louis nods, looks up.

"Yeah. Me too. I just - _Harry_ , you know?"

Zayn smiles a soft smile and nods.

"Can't believe you told your mum about him," Zayn says, almost hesitantly.

"Me neither," Louis says, and his eyes are wide and earnest and Zayn thinks that maybe _he_ doesn't understand it either. "I just feel - He's. Well, I just - dunno if I'm leaving home or going back."

Zayn thinks about the family they're coming back to and his smile widens and Louis' smiling now too. They fall asleep like that, Zayn's dreams filled with images of blonde hair, and dimples and crinkly brown eyed smiles.

\--


	4. Chapter 4

They get him a wheelchair when the plane lands. Zayn tries to hobble past them as if he hasn't noticed but Louis grabs his arm lightly and gives him a look and Zayn _is_ sore and tired so he relents and settles in the chair.

\--

Only Niall is waiting for them at the gate and Zayn looks back at Louis, confused, but Louis is too busy grinning wildly at her to notice so he turns back around.

Niall launches herself at Louis as soon as they draw nearer, laughter light and giddy. When she turns to Zayn, he thinks her smile falters for a moment but she throws her arms around his neck and whispers an _I missed you so much_ into his hair and so he lets it go.

"Where are Harry and Liam?" he asks, when she pulls away, eyes suspiciously bright. She does a graceful little shuffling of her feet, and Louis and her share a glance and then turn back to him.

"We - ah - we thought you might want to tell them yourself, what happened," Niall continues after a moment, "Or we could ah - we could make something up."

Zayn stares at them for a moment, incredulous that they would have had the foresight to think of such a thing.

"Oh. Thank you," he whispers, sort of awestruck. He furrows his brow, thinking. "You can tell Harry, Louis. And Li -" he imagines the look on Liam's face and sighs. "I'll tell him."

Niall smiles fuller then, and Louis cups his shoulder roughly.

\--

Zayn pops another pill in the taxi and lays his head against the window, familiar landscape lulling him to sleep.

\--

He wakes up to the sound of soft, light crying and is about to open his eyes, concerned, when he hears Louis' quiet voice.

"S'alright Niall, s'ok. He's here with us, he's safe, that's all that matters. And it's not that bad, he's _fine_. His injuries aren't even that serious."

Zayn wants to comfort her, wants to pull her to him and never let her go but he just clenches his eyes tighter and tries to go back to sleep.

\--

They make their way slowly down college walk, Niall and Louis weighed down by the luggage and Zayn weighed down by the crutches. It's a beautiful day and Zayn breathes in the smell of rough New York City streets and feels at home.

Suddenly Louis stops short. Zayn follows his gaze up Low Steps to where Harry Styles is lounging carelessly in the sun, long limbs splayed out gracelessly, eyes closed and head tilted upwards to catch the rays. He looks beautiful and Zayn wonders whether he knows it. Probably, considering the way Louis looks at him, the way Louis is looking at him now, mouth slightly parted. Zayn thinks it's probably Harry's blood that runs through Louis' veins at this point, the way his pupils dilate and his hands clench and unclench slowly.

"Ahem," Zayn says, grinning at his friend. Louis starts, mumbles an apology.

"Sorry, sorry let's go, he won't even notice -" Zayn stares at him like he has two heads.

"What the fuck, Lou -?" He tucks the crutches further under his armpits to cup his hands to his mouth. "Harry Styles!" he shouts up Low Steps. Harry blinks his eyes open slowly and lethargically, the way he forms words. He scans College Walk for the source of the noise and when his gaze settles on the three of them, a grin lights up his face, stretching into his messy curls. He lopes down the steps, taking two at a time, arms flailing about in no pattern at all.

Abruptly he slows down, smile sliding off his face slightly as he nears them, takes in Zayn's condition. Zayn braces himself.

"Zayn," he breathes, voice slightly hoarse. "What the hell happened?"

"I - Nothing. Louis will tell you later. It's good to see you mate," Zayn says, attempting an easy smile. Harry looks lost, eyes darting from Louis to Zayn, unsure and obviously upset.

" _Harry_ ," Zayn says exasperatedly. "I'm _fine_. Go on, then." Harry grins at that, dimples showing and Louis drops his bags just in time to get an armful of him. He slides their bodies into place and their hips together, pulling him closer by the back of Louis' neck. Louis' hands clutch at his waist greedily. They bump noses, share a giggle, and then Harry's eyes darken and he cups Louis' face gently, thumbing his cheek, whispering into his mouth before slotting their lips together. It's easy and sweet and Zayn imagines Louis _must_ feel like he's coming home the way he's holding Harry close. Then Harry tilts his chin, deepens the kiss and Zayn thinks he hears them share a desperate sound and there are definitely two tongues in Louis' mouth.

Niall clears her throat loudly, giggling. When Zayn turns to her, she's laughing, eyes bright and high.

Louis breaks away slightly out of breath, but he clutches at Harry's hips to keep them pressed against his and buries his face in Harry's neck, the tips of his ears a bright red. Harry is smirking.

"You two go ahead, we'll catch up." Niall laughs out loud at that and Zayn rolls his eyes. "Leave the luggage, we'll bring it up when Louis's er - calmed down a bit."

Louis groans, tries to crawl further into Harry as Niall lets out a holler.

"Tosser," he mutters, and he's embarrassed but he can't stop the smile that's lighting up his face.

\--

Niall and Zayn get about twenty yards away before Niall bursts into laughter, clutching at her sides, small body shaking with it. Zayn feels her giddiness pull at him until he's laughing too, doubled over, leaning heavily on his crutches, resting his bad leg lightly on the ground.

"God," she says when she can breathe again, panting slightly, "they are - something else." Zayn nods, feeling lighter than he's felt in days.

"I'm glad they're together again," she muses as they amble on together towards Zayn's dorm. "I don't think I could handle Harry's pining for another day."

Zayn frowns, tries to imagine a pining Harry, and fails. Niall laughs at him.

"Yeah, I really couldn't believe it either. He's in deep, surprisingly enough."

"Good, because Louis is too. I think -"

"Yeah," Niall nods, smiling broadly, and she presses her hand into the small of his back lightly.

"How's Liam?" Zayn asks softly. To her credit, the corners of Niall's lips just turn slightly downward before she answers.

"He's alright, I think. Dealing with some of his own baggage, but mums the word with him. He spent a lot of time in my room this week, but we didn't really talk much."

Zayn's eyes widen and a slight twist in the pit of his stomach forces out his next question.

"Oh," he mumbles, "You two are - ?" Niall's eyes shoot daggers at him.

"Don't be a dick, Zayn, of course not."

He nods, ignoring the fact that his stomach untwists at her words.

"Right, sorry."

\--

At the security desk, Niall hands her ID to the desk attendant, flashing him a beautiful smile that he returns reluctantly. Zayn thinks the attendants here _enjoy_ being miserable and he realizes with a jolt that he's missed them anyway.

\--

On the way to the elevators, they pass one of Zayn's friends from his first year at Columbia and she practically squeals when she sees him, an almost comical frown gracing her lips.

"Oh _Zayn_ ," she, Allison, says, voice higher than what's comfortable.

"Hey babe," he says lightly, shooting her a grin that makes her giggle. She kind of nods at Niall, who nods back tersely, the traditional greeting exchanged by Columbia and Barnard girls. 

"Oh but what _happened_?" she asks dolefully. This time Zayn anticipates the question.

"Nothing, babes, just took a nasty fall. I'll be good as new in no time," he says, proud that he's kept his voice casual and easy.

"Oh poor _baby_ ," she whines slightly, and Niall actually snickers behind her hand. Allison sends Niall a glare and Zayn rolls his eyes at her.

Luckily the elevator arrives just then and Zayn is spared a cat fight.

"You're an ass Niall," Zayn says, when they're safely behind the closed doors. Niall grins at him wickedly, and she's not sorry at all.

"Oh _baby_ ," she practically moans, trying to fake the American accent. "I love you so much because you have an _accent_ and nice _hair_. _Tell_ me again how much you like drinking tea."

\--

The room feels different when they enter it, brighter maybe, and a bit musty, even though they haven't really been gone all that long. It's because _he's_ different he decides, stronger despite his injuries. He feels the sides of his mouth turn up slightly.

Niall helps him lay out on the bed, limbs aching with a satisfied tiredness. She slips into the space between him and the wall and nestles in against him and he breathes in the scent of her shampoo and sighs, content. When she turns up to face him, though, there's a slight furrow in her brow but she simply closes her eyes after a moment and nuzzles closer.

And just like that she's posed the question. It settles in between them, a weight against Zayn's chest that has his mouth going dry.

"Niall," he protests softly. He feels her shake her head against him. He sighs louder this time. "Don't tell Harry and Louis ok?" When he's sure she's nodded against him, he continues reluctantly, the words feeling rough and uncomfortable in his mouth. "He saw me skyping with Harry and he got jealous," Zayn forces out. "He thought I was seeing someone here. He thought I was being unfaithful. And I _was_ ," the last part slips out of his subconscious before he even realizes what it means, and suddenly he's speaking quickly, thoughts flooding in faster than he can let them out. "Maybe not Harry but - Liam and I - I wasn't exactly. I mean."

"Zayn you didn't - You were drunk and - you didn't even - nothing _happened_ ," Niall says and she's fiercely angry all of a sudden, Irish accent coming on thick, eyes blazing as she fixes them on him. "And you didn't deserve to get _beaten up_ for what happened for fuck's sake. Even if you made a mistake Zayn - you deserved better. He's bloody - " she cuts off as the door opens and Harry and Louis' laughter pours in along with the smell of Thai food.

"Niall -" Zayn says warningly, but he needn't worry, because Niall is already up, following her nose and the rumble of her stomach. When she's found her carton she shoots one last stern look back at Zayn before unwrapping her chopsticks with her teeth.

Harry takes her place in the sliver of bed remaining, carefully avoiding his cast, balancing a carton and a pair of chopsticks.

"Got your favorite," Harry says, grinning proudly. "Louis didn't remember, the tosser, but I did," he opens the carton for Zayn who accepts it gratefully, the smell of _pad kee mao_ awakening his hunger. Harry settles in against his shoulder, occasionally opening his mouth for bites.

Louis pulls Niall down into his lap and proceeds to try and steal food from over her shoulder. She grumbles and manuvers herself gracefully, blocking his attempts.

" _Niall_ ," he whines petulantly, but she just shrugs nonchalantly, closing her eyes to savor the taste of her curry.

Zayn chuckles at the sight and Harry's burying a smile in his shoulder that he knows takes up half of Harry's face, but - there's a voice missing. The chords they're playing now lack the distinct temor of a bass and Zayn knows everyone can feel it. He tries to focus on his food.

\--

As Niall and Harry are about to leave, Zayn pulls Louis aside.

"I can go back with Niall," he says softly, "Or were you planning on going back with Harry?" Louis looks away.

"I think I'm going to stay in tonight. Don't want you to have to walk all the way, and John Jay is going to be so bloody hot."

Zayn opens his mouth and closes it a few times.

"What the fuck is wrong with you Louis?"

Louis rolls his eyes.

"Nothing."

" _Louis_ -" Zayn says warningly.

"Fine. It's just that. Your nightmares. You haven't slept alone since that first night. I don't want -"

"Oh for fuckssake Lou - "

"Just a few more nights, I swear. And then I go back to sexing up my young beautiful boyfriend. Ok?"

Zayn hates himself for laughing but he can't help it.

"Alright, but just so we're clear, I'm _fine_."

"Of course you are love, of course you are."

\--

When Zayn wakes up drenched in a cold sweat, his breathing heavy and a dull pain seeping through his chest, Louis is already in bed with him, holding him tightly and whispering soothing things into his ear.

"Fuck," Zayn gasps, hot tears of frustration threatening to spill over. (" _Say it. You're my whore._ ")

"Hey, it's alright," Louis says and his voice is reassuringly calm, lulling Zayn back to sleepiness. "You're fine. It'll get better soon."

Zayn just clutches at him and tries to breathe in deep to calm his racing heart.

\--

Zayn is already pissed off when Louis lets himself back into the dorm room. He's been trying to unpack and put things back in order, and he's been on hold with customer service about his laptop for at least an hour and he's about had it. He can only hobble around on one foot and with his ribs he can hardly pick up anything. He's hot even though he's only wearing shorts and Columbia hasn't turned on their damn air conditioning yet.

And _now_ Louis's staring at him, eying the bandages and the bruises with an unreadable expression.

" _What?_ " Zayn snaps.

"I - nothing," Louis says, coming back to himself. "You said you wouldn't be here." Zayn rolls his eyes. He had meant to go to the library an hour ago.

"Yeah, I know, but I got held up. Did you mean to bring Harry back?"

"No I - Well, I told Liam he could meet me here after his meeting so we could get lunch."

Oh. Zayn sighs tiredly.

"When's his meeting get done?" Zayn asks, resigned. Louis checks his watch.

"Forty minutes or so?"

"Alright, I'll be gone by then."

Louis nods but he's giving Zayn a look that makes Zayn groan exasperatedly.

"Listen, if you want to have a good time at lunch you'll agree that this isn't the moment. Alright?"

"Fine," he says contritely. "Gonna shower."

\--

When Liam shows up twenty minutes later, Zayn is still there. Shirtless.

"I hope you're not naked in here," is the only warning Liam gives before he opens the door. Zayn freezes, watches as the grin in Liam's eyes drains, replaced by shock as he takes in the state of Zayn's body.

"What the _fuck_ happened?" Liam growls, and his voice is low and dangerous sounding. Zayn's palms are sweating and he can't move, can't form words. " _Zayn_." And his name is a warning on Liam's tongue.

"I -. George. He got mad and -" Zayn mumbles, breaks off as Liam's eyes flash and his entire face darkens. Zayn sees his hands clench into fists at his side and for a split second Zayn wonders what they would feel like pressing bruises against his skin.

"I'll kill him," Liam snarls. "I'll fucking _murder_ the bastard, I swear to God -"

At that moment Louis bursts out of the bathroom, towel thrown low around his waist. There's still soap in his ear.

"Liam -" Louis' voice is a forced calm but Liam rounds on him, glaring.

"You _knew_ ," he accuses, and there's a sharp sting to his words, "You knew this would happen and you let him go anyway, how could you?" Louis shrinks into himself like Liam's actually knocked him back, gaze dropping to the floor.

" _Liam_ ," Zayn admonishes sternly, finding his voice in Louis' hurt look. "That was out of line."

And just like that the anger drains from Liam's face, his fists unclench, and he deflates.

"I'm sorry," he says faintly. He takes in Zayn's condition once more. "Shit you must be tired, here." He moves a chair towards Zayn, and Zayn falls into it carefully, Louis' hand steadying him.

"I'll just give you two a few minutes," Louis says, looking at Zayn who nods. Liam shoots him a grateful smile and Louis smiles back at him then, pulls him into a bear hug. "Missed you so much." He whispers roughly into Liam's ear and Zayn sees Liam's strong arms tighten around Louis a little more.

When Louis's dressed and gone Liam sits on the bed across from Zayn, careful to avoid any physical contact.

"How bad is it?" Liam asks, and his voice is calm now, laced with simple apology and concern and Zayn thinks idly that his anger is so different than - than what Zayn is used to.

"Just a sprain, and a few broken ribs."

"Oh," Liam says, smiling a half smile that doesn't _quite_ reach his eyes. "S'not too bad then. Had a sprain my junior year of high school. Whined like a girl when they wouldn't let me wrestle in the finals, but at least I didn't have to deal with physical therapy. Shame about the broken ribs though, hear they hurt like a mother."

Zayn laughs, grimacing when it sets off the pain, and Liam makes a face in sympathy.

"Where are your pain meds?" Liam asks, getting up.

"Top of the dresser," Zayn says, pointing. "How was your break?" he asks, (anything to keep him from thinking about George) as Liam busies himself getting water and the small bottle.

"It was - it was really good," Liam says, but his voice has gone all quiet like. Zayn raises an eyebrow. "You uh - you inspired me. I called my sister." He sits back down across from Zayn and hands him the glass of water and his medication. When he notices Zayn still looks confused he continues. "For the first time in almost three years." Zayn's eyes go wide.

"Liam!"

He just sort of shrugs, averting his eyes. Zayn doesn't know what to say. Talking to Liam about his family feels strangely intimate and he doesn't know where Liam wants to draw the line.

"Well...how'd it go?"

"She was really glad to hear my voice," Liam admits, and he's smiling shyly. "She cried a bit," he laughs sheepishly. Zayn grins and rolls his eyes playfully.

"Girls," he says, mock exasperatedly.

"Girls," Liam agrees. He's smiling so hard now his eyes are scrunched up and Zayn's missed that almost painfully. "I miss her so much." he says quietly, his voice becoming serious again.

"I don't understand, Li -" Zayn says, trying to keep his voice equally soft, hoping to soothe Liam into answers, but Liam remains mysterious.

"I know," Liam sighs and he seems a bit frustrated with himself, "I'm sorry. I'm just - I'll tell you soon ok?"

Zayn nods, wants to reach out to him but just settles for smiling at him reassuringly.

"S'ok, I get it. Don't worry about it."

Liam's attention wanders around the room for a moment, then he sighs.

"So this -" he makes a vague gesture towards Zayn. "Are you - Are you holding up ok?"

"Yeah," Zayn nods. "I guess I am. Being back helps. The distance, the change in scenery. He was never _here_ , you know? He was never really part of the life I have here. Makes me feel like I can move on."

"So it's over then?" he asks, voice carefully neutral.

"Feels like it, yeah. It was different this time. What - what happened," and Zayn shudders as the memory comes back, but Liam's smiling encouragingly and it feels - ok to talk to him about it. Feels natural. "Before he'd - he'd cause me pain and then paint over it with love, affection and. But this time. When I close my eyes. I just feel the monster in him."

"You're far away from him now. Really really far."

Zayn looks up at Liam, unclenches his hands slightly.

"Yeah," he breathes out. "Yeah, I guess I am."

\--

The dining halls reopen that night and the five of them crowd in together around a small table. There's noise all around them and they can barely hear themselves think so they don't talk much, communicate in small familiar gestures and push food into each other's plates. It feels good and Zayn forgets about the crutches under his seat and thinks instead about the warm bodies next to him and the crappy food he's eating.

Once, when Niall, Harry and Louis are occupied in themselves, Liam leans close into Zayn.

"I missed you," he whispers into Zayn's ear. Zayn pulls back to look Liam in the eye and the other boy blushes slightly like he does when Louis tells a particularily crass joke. He doesn't look away, though. His gaze is open and honest with affection and Zayn wants to smile back but it's shaky from the butterflies in his stomach. Liam _knows_ somehow though, and his grin just widens until he looks like a crazy person with his usual crinkly eyed smile.

\--

On Monday Louis goes with him to see the sophomore class dean. He's carrying a thick folder with him but Zayn doesn't think to ask about its contents until Louis starts pulling from it medical records and doctor's referrals. Zayn can only sit there and stare at him wide-eyed as he talks to the woman about student insurance and follow up care.

In the end, Zayn only nods dumbly as the Dean explains to him the resources he has available here ("Ten free therapy sessions, the doctors on staff are incredible" and "go to Columbia Pres in six weeks with your records and they'll remove your cast for you. It's all covered") and that he'll be exempt from classes for a week ("I'll have a chat with your professors, don't you worry") before he's being handed his crutches.

"You were great in there," Zayn says as soon as they've left the office. Louis shrugs.

"I don't know. You had a lot to deal with and - Mum helped."

"I owe you one," Zayn says quietly. "Owe you more than that actually."

Louis shakes his head.

"Zayn -" But Zayn reaches out to him, stops him in the middle of the sidewalk. They face each other and they're almost exactly the same height, and Zayn smiles at him, draws him closer.

"Thank you, Louis," he says, grinning a bit foolishly when Louis blushes.

"You're a sap," Louis grins back.

\--

Just when Zayn is about to go insane from hunger Harry lets himself in balancing two plates of pasta from Ferris. Zayn could almost kiss him.

"God, I thought I was going to starve," he says with relief, "But I just couldn't bring myself to make the trek to John Jay. You're a lifesaver."

"You only love me for the food I bring," Harry whines, voice childlike.

"And your curls, Haz, don't forget."

Harry laughs heartily.

"Dick," he says, with little bite, bringing the food over to Zayn. Despite Zayn's hunger, he sets the plate down and pulls Harry into him. The other boy is taller than him so it's a bit awkward, but Zayn pushes a hand through Harry's curls and Harry sighs contently, shifts so he can put his head in Zayn's lap and nose into the sliver of exposed skin above Zayn's hip.

When Harry begins to _purr_ Zayn laughs out loud.

"You're an absolute whore for this, you know that?"

Harry makes a noise of disagreement.

"M'not a whore. M'Louis'. Just like having my head scratched," he murmurs sleepily.

\--

"Go spend the night with Harry."

"Hello to you too," Louis mutters, closing the door behind him and sinking to the floor in front of it with a thud. He looks exhausted.

" _Hello Louis_ ," Zayn rolls his eyes. "And now _goodbye_."

Louis cracks an eye open to stare at him suspiciously.

"You knew I'd be weak and vulnerable after a long rehearsal. This is a low blow, Malik."

"S'not a _punishment_ you twat. I haven't dreamt about - I haven't dreamt in 3 days. And Harry's starting to hate me I'm sure of it."

Louis sighs.

"Fine. But if you need anything -"

"I certainly won't be calling you. Now _get out_." Louis gets up heavily off the floor, drops his bag on his desk and leans down into Zayn's bed to kiss him on the forehead.

"I mean it Zayner, you need anything, you call me."

"And interrupt your passionate lovemaking? I'll call Niall." Louis blushes, mumbles something under his breath. "What?"

"We're not having sex," Louis says a bit louder. He's still blushing. Zayn's eyes widen but he shrugs it off.

"Oral, Anal, it's the same happy ending."

Louis manages to glower and blush at the same time.

"I want to hit you," he muses. Zayn smiles at him, angelic.

"You'll thank me later."

At this, Louis smiles his Harry smile. It's tired but it's the reaction Zayn had been expecting.

"Probably," he agrees good-naturedly, ruffling Zayn's hair before grabbing his bag and heading out.

"A gentleman always swallows," Zayn calls out. Louis manages to flip him the bird before the door shuts behind him.

\--

He wakes up in the middle of the night and wants to scream. He had thought that he was done hearing George's voice, feeling George's fists. He just wanted it to be _over_. He gasps, trying to slow his breathing. Closes his eyes but images are back, as clear as if they'd been painted on the back of his eyelids. They fly open again. He reaches for his phone, checks the time. Two fifteen am. He finds himself wishing he'd bought a pack of cigarettes the other day - fuck, but if they could stop the shaking of his hands -

He tells himself it's because he doesn't want to wake Niall, but his fingers are already searching for Liam's number before he can get his thoughts together.

"Zayn?" His voice isn't groggy with sleep so Zayn pushes the guilt away and lets the warmth flow over him.

"Liam. Are you - Can I -?"

"You're fine," Liam interrupts soothingly. "Just tell me what you need."

"I just. I can't sleep," Zayn mumbles. With the reality Liam's voice has brought, Zayn's starting to feel silly.

"I can - I could come over if you want." But Zayn can hear the hesitancy in his voice.

"No just. Just talk to me. About anything."

"What do you want to talk about?" the smoothness returns and Zayn lets his guard down again, coaxes the sleepiness back.

"Tell me about your sister," Zayn asks, hoping he hasn't overstepped. He knows he's done something right, though, when he hears Liam smile through the phone.

"Um. Well. She's two years younger than me. Dark brown hair, a bit shorter than me, beautiful. She's got a laugh that's so loud it sounds fake, kind of like Niall's but less Irish, obviously -"

"What's her _name_ , Liam?" Zayn asks patiently, he's drowsy but trying to hang on to every word, wants to know more.

"Oh," he chuckles. "Charlotte, sorry. No one really calls her that except our parents. She's Char to me. Or Cher, if I want something," he laughs again, and yeah, Zayn could get used to this really fast. Too fast. He swallows, shuts his eyes, wincing as George's face comes into focus and the cold sweat returns. Zayn relishes in the familiar sting for a moment.

"Zayn?"

"M'here," he mumbles. He focuses on a spot above him, willing his body to slip into sleep almost by accident, tries to focus on his eyelids growing heavy and his breathing becoming deep.

"Right, sorry. So Char," Liam's voice is quiet and unhurried and it works like a charm. Zayn feels sleep creeping in slowly. (He prays its dreamless.) "We never used to get along when I was younger. She was always the stuck up brat that did everything right and I was always getting into trouble because of it -"

\--

Niall walks in without ceremony and dumps a few large grocery bags on the table, proceeding to stock up their normally empty fridge. Zayn raises an eyebrow.

"Harry said something?"

She's whistling a tune Zayn can't recognize and only when she gets to the end of the phrase does she answer.

"Harry told Lou, Lou offered to edit my history paper."

Zayn makes a move to help her but she waves a hand in his general direction.

"Stay," she sticks her tongue out a bit as she examines the jar in hand. "Does peanut butter need to be refrigerated you think?"

\--

"You've gone mental," Zayn says incredulously. "How am I supposed to _get_ there? They don't exactly make attics handicap friendly."

Harry and Louis look up from where Louis is sitting on Harry's lap.

"Don't be dull," Louis chides. "There's an elevator until the fifth floor and then like, fifteen steps to the attic. You'll be _fine_." Harry kisses his neck. "We'll have Liam carry you." Louis says, smirking at his boyfriend. Harry kisses the smirk off his face soundly as Niall sends him a severe look.

"C'mon Zayner," she says. "Liam's already waiting to let us in and we -"

"You want me to come _now_?" Zayn interrupts, looking down at his worn sweats and ratty white beater. It's Harry who convinces him in the end. He pulls away from Louis to ruffle up his hair, unstyled and soft over his forehead.

"Trust us, Zayn. We're family."

\--

They make their way to the Kent Hall slowly but surely. Zayn popped two pain killers before they left but he still feels achy and tired. The others oblige his slow pace without question and it _is_ nice to finally get out of their room. The night feels big and bold, vast enough that their soft murmurs can't disturb it. They pass lovers on Low steps and mates smoking in alcoves and Zayn's hands itch but he resists, chewed nails picking at the padding of his crutches.

Liam opens the door for them hurriedly, sticking his neck out in all directions to sweep for guards, before slotting the door open a bit more and whispering in an anxious voice.

"C'mon," he murmurs. "Get in."

Louis rolls his eyes at Niall.

"Hello Liam!" he nearly shouts, voice echoing in the empty halls. "How are you?!"

"Oh for fucks' sake," Liam grumbles.

They take the elevator up to the fifth floor and then Zayn hands his crutches off to Niall and uses Harry and Liam instead to get up the last flight of stairs. The combined power of attic heat and nerves is making them sweat and they move slowly, Harry mumbling small encouragements the entire way.

When they finally get to the top Zayn wants to collapse right there, but he hobbles over to the set of candles that have been laid out. There's a pillow and one of those meditation chairs, probably nicked from Dodge, set up for him already and Zayn raises his eyebrows in surprise as he lowers himself down and tries to get comfortable.

"Thought of everything, didn't you," Zayn asks, directing the question at Niall. She's sitting with her legs spread at an almost obtuse angle, wetting a dutch with religious care, but she manages to shake her head.

"Don't look at me," she says between licks. "Was Liam."

Liam's cheeks are shaded pink and he fiddles with the edge of Louis' guitar until Harry slaps his hand away and shoves him closer to Zayn so he can sit between them.

"Ahem," Louis says purposefully, trying to kick Liam from across Harry. Harry takes over the job and Liam has to duck out of the way with a glare.

"Right, fine," he says when he's re-situated himself. "We're ah - we're going to try something a bit different tonight. Just. Sit back and enjoy? I hope." He clears his throat and then Louis starts to play, strumming the strings to his guitar lightly, before setting up a steady rhythm of chords. Niall hands Zayn the unlit blunt and stands, folding and unfolding her body in a series of stretches and it doesn't feel any different, feels achingly familiar, in fact, but then Liam's singing, _singing_.

" _I can't win, I can't reign, I will never win this game, without you. Without you_." Liam raises his eyes shyly to look at Zayn, and Zayn draws a sharp intake of breath, the blunt dangling forgotten between his fingertips. " _I am lost, I am vain, I will never be the same, without you. Without you._ "

His voice is not simply shower worthy, Zayn knows from the start. It warms him to the bone and Zayn feels his heart trip with every shake and swell with every riff.

"I can't rest, I can't fight. All I need is you and I, without you. WIthout you." And suddenly a smile is coloring his voice and he and Harry exchange glances, their eyes grinning. Harry begins to lay down a beat, his beat-boxing clumsy, his dimples deep.

When Liam turns back to Zayn there's a smile for him too and Zayn feels his cheeks warm. He turns his focus to Niall instead. Her movements carry more precision than they usually do and Zayn realizes she's choreographed this routine, her body finding the pattern of steps in a way only practice can bring. Louis adds his voice to the chorus, a third above Liam, and their voices blend, a contrast of warm and rough. Liam's singing to Zayn but Louis's singing to Harry and Harry stumbles on the upbeat, hiding his eyes in his hair.

" _I will never be the same. Without you. Without you. Without you._ "

Louis and Harry cheer wildly and Niall collapses into Liam's lap to wrap her sweaty arms around his neck and Zayn slumps against the chair, heart beat slowing.

"Well?" Louis prompts. "C'mon Zayner, we've been working on this for ages, least you can do is give us a smile."

Zayn rolls his eyes but he does smile (after the shock has run its course), ignoring Louis to settle his eyes on Liam.

"That was brilliant," he breathes, "You were brilliant."

Liam buries his face in Niall's hair but Zayn can make out the blush creeping to the back of his neck, even in the low light.

"Thanks man," he mumbles.

"I didn't know you could sing."

"I did," Louis says boastfully, and Harry shoves him slightly.

"What?" Zayn wonders if Liam's surprises will ever stop.

"I um. I used to put out youtube videos. Louis found my cover of Michael Bublé and recognized me."

"Listened to that cover over and over again," Louis says wistfully. "Best one out there, if you ask me. Until you took it down."

Liam shrugs and looks away.

"Wasn't that good."

Louis snorts derisively but Zayn shoves at Louis roughly, waits until Liam turns to him, eyes questioning.

"If today's performance was anything to go off of, I'm sure it was perfect."

There is a chorus of _aww_ and _Za-ayn_ that follows, until Niall interrupts them.

"Oi, Zayn, where the weed at?" Zayn offers the dutch to her, still a bit dazed from their performance, but she shakes her head, leads his hand to tuck it between his lips and offers him a light instead. "You first, it's your homecoming after all." He inhales the sweet smoke deeply, relishing in the slight sting against his throat.

"Louis came home too, why aren't we celebrating him?" he asks after he's passed the blunt on to Louis.

"They love you more," Louis complains, pouting until it interferes with his hit. Niall moves off Liam's lap to settle into Louis' for a cuddle, stealing the dutch when he's done.

"S'not true," she tells Zayn, "The main problem was that it was _mostly_ Li's idea but partially Harry's too and we know it's physically impossible for him to keep anything from Lou so -"

Harry lets out an embarrassed laugh at that, covers his face with one large hand. But Louis shifts Niall slightly so he can cup Harry's chin and pull him closer. Zayn thinks he hears the floorboards rattle with their collective groan when Louis dips his head for a snog.

\--

They've found a nook in Butler all to themselves, a rare occurrence and a cause for lighter moods - even though Zayn feels overwhelmed with work. He sits in a cushioned chair, pencil in mouth, bad leg stretched out on a spare chair across the table. Niall's curled up in what should be an extremely uncomfortable position on the sofa, book in hand, teeth making a wreck of her bottom lip. Liam taps a fickle rhythm on the table with the highlighter in hand.

They've lost Louis and Harry to tech week for Varsity Show. Opening night is this Friday and their room has been tense and strained for a few days now. Louis rarely sleeps, runs on coffee and adrenaline nowadays, and he's tetchier than usual. Zayn can normally handle it, is used to handling Louis at all moments, but his own pain gnaws at his patience, makes him less forgiving.

He's run away to the library for the time being.

"Hey," Liam says, tossing a pen cap at Zayn that jars him from his thoughts. Zayn tries to glare at him but it's half hearted, and he takes the proffered water bottle and digs around his bag for his pills. "Good boy," Liam teases gently.

Zayn does manage to glare at him this time. He opens his mouth to retort but Niall cuts in.

"At least _he_ remembers, Zayner," she interjects lazily, not even bothering to look up from her book. Zayn rolls his eyes.

When his limbs become intolerably sore, he sighs, defeated, and begins to pack his things. Liam caps his highlighter almost immediately but Niall stays put.

"Gonna stay," she says distractedly. "Hafta finish this damn book by tonight or I'll never hand in my paper on time."

"Should I bring you some coffee?" Liam offers. Niall wrinkles her nose.

"No, I hate the bloody coffee they have here," she shakes her head vehemently. "I'll pass."

Zayn shrugs at Liam and they leave her to it, making their way out as slowly and as noiselessly as possible. (A few people look up to glare at them anyway.)

In the elevator, Liam's quiet, puling at the threads of Zayn's tattered messenger bag.

"Oi," Zayn chides gently. "What's wrong?" Liam stills his hands but remains quiet. "Li?"

Liam sighs, looks up at him finally.

"M'so tired," he says finally, swaying slightly on his feet with the words. "Had a late night last night with the guys from the team."

"Do you have a lot due tomorrow?" Zayn asks, wondering whether Liam will shrug him off if he squeezes his arm in sympathy. Liam's _still_ careful to avoid touching him unless absolutely necessary. Zayn's not sure why it's so painfully obvious.

"No but. I should get ahead on some of my work for next week," Liam mumbles, fighting back a yawn. Zayn rolls his eyes affectionately. Sleepy Liam is a Liam he rather enjoys, he's decided.

"Come back to my place and I'll fix you some coffee yeah? Least I can do for, you know -" he gestures at where his bag as made a home on Liam's shoulder for the past few days.

"Yeah," Liam says, smiling slightly. "Yeah, sounds good."

\--

"Do you need help?" Liam asks when Zayn moves towards the coffee pot, resting his crutches against the countertop.

"Nah, I've got it. Gotten quite good at doing this one-legged. Been fixing up about ten cups of coffee a day for Louis."

Liam laughs a little and nods, dropping comfortably into Zayn's bed and pulling the blankets around him.

"Miss the two of them," Liam remarks softly, and Zayn smiles at his tone. "We're gonna go see their show right? Let's buy them flowers."

"Yeah I've been wondering about that. Should we do opening night or closing night you think?"

"Hmm," Liam hums, and Zayn has his back turned to him but he's sure he can draw the expression on Liam's face. "Closing night? They've got a kick ass party they throw afterwards every year, so we can crash that too. Will you be able to manage?"

Zayn shrugs. He hasn't been out since he got back and he's not sure how easy it would be to navigate on crutches an apartment full of drunk kids.

"M'not sure that's a good idea," he decides after a moment.

"I'll take care of you," Liam says around a yawn, burrowing deeper in Zayn's pillow. Zayn doesn't respond, just turns on his Ed Sheeran playlist and washes out a mug in the sink. Liam joins in after a moment, voice confidently catching harmonies around the main line and Zayn's smile widens as a thought occurs to him. He listens until Liam's voice goes slightly flat and then fades completely.

"So _that_ was what Michael Bublé at karaoke was about then?" he asks, marveling at Louis' scheming prowess. When he doesn't get an answer right away he turns from the sink. "Liam?" He finds Liam sleeping soundly, hands clutched in Zayn's duvet, mouth slightly open. He muffles a laugh with one hand and then sets the coffee in the fridge and pulls out the book he needs to finish.

\--

Louis finds him reading that same book a while later.

"Coffee's in the fridge if you need, I just made it," Zayn says, not looking up from the text. But then Louis makes a muffled noise and Zayn's head jerks up in surprise.

"Lou?"

"Sorry I was just surprised to find Liam in your _bed_ ," Louis says, eyes wide, voice only half joking. "He's not naked under there is he?" That's a full on joke though and Zayn's eyes narrow.

"Fuck off Louis," he hisses, trying to keep his voice down so as to avoid waking up Liam. "It's not funny. I don't understand how you lot can encourage him like that, _especially_ you." His words are borderline nasty now, but he's mad, alright? And he damn well has a right to be.

"Why not?" Louis asks innocently, eyes comically wide. Zayn's in no mood for a laugh though.

"After Ge-George," he forces himself to say his name,"and - all that's happened. You _know_ I'm not good enough for him."

"What the _fuck_ is that supposed to mean?" Louis asks with a growl and suddenly he too is fighting to keep his voice to an angry whisper.

"What do you mean, what's it supposed to mean? He's _Liam_ he's perfect, he deserves so much better than -" and Zayn's whispering too but there's a sting to his words anyway. Zayn's just not sure to whom it's directed.

"And _why_ is it you don't deserve just as much?" Louis looks dangerous now, he's gripping the edge of an unoccupied chair so hard the blood has fled his hands and his eyes flash with emotion. Zayn opens and closes his mouth a few times, but Louis' not letting this go and Zayn sighs, deflates.

"I practically cheated on my last boyfriend," Zayn says in defeat, "I made him so mad he wanted to beat the shit out of me and -"

"Shut up," shouts Louis. Finally, the dam breaks. Liam stirs.

"Lou -" Zayn whispers hastily, wishing instantly that he hadn't said anything.

"No. I don't want to hear it."

Zayn winces away from the words, and the anger they carry. Liam sits up slowly.

"Lou?" he murmurs sleepily, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. "S'the matter Lou?"

"Ask Zayn," and each word's got a bite.

"No," Zayn whispers, but the defiance has flown out. "C'mon Louis, let's drop it. I'm sorry I said anything -"

Louis throws his hands up, movements choppy.

"Fuck this. Just. Fucking - I can't." He turns on his heel, slamming the door behind him.

Zayn blinks hastily, swiping at unshed tears.

"Zayn?" Liam asks, getting out of bed and reaching for him. His hands stop short though and he pulls them back quickly. "C'mon Zayn what happened?"

"Why won't you touch me?" Zayn asks abruptly instead. Liam blanches.

"Zayn -"

"No. Tell me. I want to know," Zayn demands, even though he's almost positive he doesn't. Liam sighs, averts his eyes.

"I didn't want you to - I know you must know how I feel about you," Liam responds reluctantly after a moment. He's blushing now and fidgeting with the class ring he wears, turning it over and over. Zayn softens, regrets the question immediately but the apology gets stuck in the back of his throat. "I didn't want you to feel pressured and. It's easier for me. Being with you this way. I'm sorry."

"Yeah," Zayn says heavily, exhaustion and aches setting in, letting the pressure seep back in to replace the lull his pain meds afford him. Suddenly he doesn't want to deal with this anymore, either. "Yeah," he says again. Liam looks desperately unhappy but the tiredness clouds Zayn's judgement, making him fuzzy and clumsy. He can't gather anything to say.

"I'll go," Liam mumbes finally. A thick _horrible_ silence hangs over them as he gathers his things quickly and Zayn closes his eyes, bites his tongue against the _stay, Liam i'm sorry._

Liam leaves without another word, though, and Zayn lets him.

\--

Zayn wakes up in the middle of the night several times, hoping to find Louis' warm body next to his. Each time his bed remains cold against him and he falls back into a tiring sleep.

\--


	5. Chapter 5

Niall enters the room the next morning while Zayn is in the middle of lightening his bag so that he can carry it without Liam's help. She takes it without a word, stuffs all his things back into it and swings it over her shoulder, managing to keep her eyes downcast.

"Good morning?" Zayn asks tentatively.

"Not exactly," Niall says, and when she meets his questioning gaze there's disappointment and hurt and Zayn feels nauseous.

"Who, then?" Zayn asks, resigned.

"Liam," she answers after a moment, and Zayn recognizes the fury building behind her voice, accent slowly blanketing her words. "But only because he begged me."

"Niall -"

"You've been a right dick, Zayn," she snaps, running her hands through her hair roughly. "He can't help how he feels about you and he's been nothing but great about it and he deserves better."

" _Exactly_ ," Zayn breathes out, relief flooding through him. At least _she_ understands. "I tried to tell Louis the same thing and he just got angry. But you're right, I know you're right, don't worry." he reassures her earnestly.

Niall looks at him, forehead creased with confusion.

"What are you on about?"

"He deserves so much better than me," he responds quietly, tries to meet Niall's eyes as he continues. "So much better than a cheater and a whore. When he moves on he'll understand."

Something unreadable flitters in Niall's eyes for a moment, and then it's gone and she studies him, expressionless.

"That's not what I meant," she says in a small voice, "No one thinks you're a whore or a cheater, Zayn. Did George tell you you were? Because you're not, Zayn, I know it. And Liam does too. He cares about you so much."

"He's better off not," Zayn mutters, closing his eyes and leaning heavily on the table.

"Please don't say that," Niall begs him, and Zayn is startled by the shaking in her voice, reopens his eyes to find her close to tears.

"Niall?" he reaches for her. "Don't - What's wrong?" She avoids the question and the gesture though with a shake of her head.

"Nothing," she answers him finally, sniffling a little. "Just. Apologize to Liam ok? And Lou will come round, he's just cranky. C'mon, let's just get you to class."

\--

He caves that afternoon. Spends fourteen dollars on nicotine solace.

\--

Louis stops by before rehearsal, later that night. Zayn's tense, opens his mouth to say something but Louis shakes his head. He moves towards Zayn, wraps his arms around Zayn's neck from behind where he's sitting and kisses the top of his head.

"I'm sorry I lost my temper, it was awful of me. Don't be mad?" Louis pleads into Zayn's hair. Zayn turns to look at him, surprised.

"Course not, Lou," Zayn assures him. Louis breaks out into a smile.

"Good. Couldn't manage another four hour rehearsal thinking you were angry with me."

Zayn laughs, tries to twist in his chair as much as his sore ribs will allow to latch onto his friend.

"I'll take that coffee now," Louis adds cheekily and Zayn rolls his eyes, nods fondly.

\--

As soon as Louis has left Zayn grabs a shoe and his crutches and is out the door in ten seconds flat. He's about halfway to the lobby in the creaky constricted elevator when his thoughts catch up to him and he realizes he's on his way to see Liam. His mouth sets in a grim determination.

\--

Five steps down college walk and he realizes he should have probably called ahead or something, doesn't even know what Liam's doing tonight, and there's a part of him, a cowardly part of him, that wants to latch onto this thought, use it as an excuse to turn back.

He shuts that part up, focuses on each small step and the positioning of his crutches.

There's a small group sitting on the edge of the fountain, singing low soft melodies into the starless night, and Zayn's ear catches the hum of a series of minor chords.

He keeps stepping.

\--

He squashes down the butterflies in his stomach and knocks, once, twice, three times.

No one's home.

The adrenaline leaves him in a rush and now he feels the ache of his journey. He lowers himself to the floor heavily, leans his head back against the wall with a thud and closes his eyes, swallows against the nausea he's felt all day.

\--

"Zayn?" the voice is gruff and not all that warm and it shakes Zayn out of his restless sleep. "What're you doing here?"

Zayn blinks up at Liam, who's hovering over him, eyebrows downturned.

"I'm sorry, Li," Zayn says quickly, "For yesterday, for behaving like an absolute wanker. I don't know what came over me, I wasn't thinking clearly. I didn't want you to leave, I shouldn't have let you -"

"Zayn," Liam sighs resignedly, "I - " but before he can continue his phone rings.

"Niall? What's up?" He listens for a moment, frowns slightly. "No, he's here. Yeah. I'll tell him. _Niall_. Okay. Fine. Yeah. Love you too." When he hangs up he studies Zayn for a moment, and Zayn tries to give him what he's looking for, tries to make him _see_. "So. Apparently you left your phone on the table and the door wide open. Niall was worried."

"Had to see you," Zayn confesses. "I wasn't thinking, Liam, I'm sorry."

Liam considers him for a moment, and then, offers him his hand. Zayn takes it gratefully, lets Liam's strength pull him to his feet.

"S'alright," he says finally. "Lots of things happening all too fast. I get it." And with those few words a weight has been lifted off Zayn's shoulders and he breathes a sigh of relief, smiling at Liam.

"Thanks." They're silent for a moment, and it's a bit awkward. Liam fiddles with the sleeves of his long sweatshirt and Zayn tears at the padding in his crutches. "I should go, leave you to it."

"I'll walk you," Liam says. "Or you can stay, if you're tired?" and he sounds hopeful, eager. Zayn warms. "I owe you a nap in my bed, don't I?"

"And I owe you a coffee still," Zayn grins. Liam nods. Hesitation flickers in his eyes for a moment but it vanishes and his hand is in the small of Zayn's back, guiding him through the door. There's a fleeting sense of panic that fills Zayn briefly, fear of what _George_ will think, but it fades and Zayn can take comfort in the gesture.

He catches Liam's eye and Liam smiles a shy smile at him, closing his hand into a fist in Zayn's shirt.

\--

They watch the Varsity Show together with Niall. Liam helps him take his seat with a sure grip on his elbow and a warm stroke of his thumb that Zayn feels through his sweater.

The performance is incredible and breathtaking and the three of them are at the edge of their seat through the songs and the choreography and the one-liners. Harry is on fire, voice strong, features handsome, and Zayn thinks he might have the entire theatre falling in love with him. And of course, the lines that make him laugh the hardest have Louis' name written all over them, and he knows Liam can tell too because he keeps burying his laugh in Zayn's shoulder with every punchline. Even Niall is satisfied with the amount of Barnard zingers, and the heroine of the story, Harry's co-star, is an extraordinarily talented Barnard girl who saves the day so.

When Harry has swept her off her feet into a final kiss behind the low-lit stacks of Butler library and the curtain closes with a defining swish, there is a thunderous applause. Students, parents and professors stomp their feet and cheer wildly, and Zayn feels a stupid grin pull at the corners of his mouth as Niall lets out a high pitched holler.

As part of the tradition of closing night, the writers and choreographers join their actors on stage for a final bow together, and then they push Louis center stage to take one solo bow. He turns around and pulls Harry foward too, and Zayn thinks they'll take the last bow together but then Louis is tugging him down for a searing kiss. There's a hush and then an explosion of noise and Niall, Zayn and Liam are on their feet in awe. Niall tucks into Zayn's side with a happy little sigh and Liam throws an arm around his shoulder with an affectionate shake of his head and Zayn has never felt more content so he pulls her close and slips an arm around his waist and they watch the beautiful spectacle that is Harry and Louis unfold, a pocket of silent adoration in the cacophony of tribute. When Zayn turns, Liam is looking at him already, a small smile gracing his features and a light quirk of his eyebrows - a question, a plea, a challenge - all at once.

There's a heat that ripples between them, and Zayn forces himself to look away, focus on the here and now - not on what could never be.

\--

It gets worse in the afterparty, the small apartment crowded with students whose blood races with adrenaline, high off the stage. Liam presses daringly into Zayn, leaves fingerprints on his skin that burn long after the contact has left him, and Zayn almost wishes he could put Liam back into that box he had made for himself. Almost.

He's relieved at least, when Louis and Liam leave them to get drinks for the lot.

Zayn and Harry settle on couches opposite from each other, let the heavy bass seep through them, and talk with their eyes over the noise of the party.

Harry glances to a shadowy corner of the room, quirks an eyebrow. _did you see what niall's been getting up to?_

Zayn follows his gaze, and then frowns slightly. _should i be worried?_

Harry shakes his head, huffs a laugh. _nah, he's an honest bloke, i like him well enough._

His co-star interrupts their conversation, and Zayn can tell instantly that she's drunk. She sways into Harry as she stumbles slightly onto the couch next to him and lands a hand on his knee. Harry doesn't seem to mind. He smirks at her slightly, but he leaves a careful distance between them, even as she draws closer.

There's a moment where Harry seems distracted, focusing on something behind the girl, and suddenly she seizes her opportunity, lunges forward for a sloppy kiss. Harry recoils instantly, lips parted, eyes wide with shock and Zayn cringes.

"What the fuck?" Louis snarls over the music and Harry's eyes snap up in time to see Louis' retreating figure disappearing into the crowd. Harry's chasing after him immediately and the last glance Zayn steals of his face shows a desperate expression. He hears a muttered curse behind him and turns to find Liam's there, holding two red cups and still staring at the now empty couch.

The girl has moved on, too drunk to claim responsibility for the damage she's caused, and Zayn feels his stomach sink slowly.

"C'mon," Liam says, putting the drinks on the table and helping Zayn to his feet. "We should make sure everything's alright." Zayn nods, scans the room for Niall. She's already watching them with wide eyes, and when Zayn arches his chin at her, she makes her excuses to the boy she's with and joins them. She doesn't say anything, but she tucks her hand into Liam's elbow, and Liam kisses her forehead.

They leave the party together and fidget with each others' clothes in the elevator. Liam's got on an unbuttoned black dress shirt and Zayn tugs at one of the threads that's come undone until Liam covers his hand with one of his own warm ones.

"They'll be alright," Liam says, trying to be reassuring. Zayn nods. The confined space is beginning to make him itch.

They find Harry hunched over on the curb, elbows tucked between his knees and hands fisted in his hair.

"I've got this," Liam says softly. "Ni, can you take Zayn home? Someone should see to Louis."

"Night, Li," Zayn whispers, and he feels unsteady. They had been building into something tonight, despite his best efforts to keep it at bay, and the way Liam searches him silently, Zayn knows he felt it too. Liam just smiles ruefully though.

"Night you two. Luck."

\--

Louis is already in Zayn's bed when he reaches their shared room and Niall worries her bottom lip for a moment before planting a quick kiss on his cheek and leaving them alone.

"Lou," Zayn murmurs, leaning his crutches on the bed post and swinging himself into bed carefully. Louis rolls over to fold into Zayn.

"Yeah," he says. And it's not an opening to talk, but Zayn presses forward anyway.

"What happened? Did you let him explain?"

Louis lets out a sigh that is so defeated that Zayn clutches his fingers in Louis's shirt in reflex.

"What's there to explain? This isn't the first time I've caught him flirting with her."

"But Lou," Zayn protests gently, "They acted across from each other. They must have become good friends but I doubt -"

"I _know_ that but -. Like, we used to play these games right. And it was ok because I thought - but. That's the problem, see? This is all just a game to him. _We're_ just a game to him."

Zayn feels Louis's arm tighten around him and he tightens back.

"You don't know that," Zayn chides softly, "He really -"

"I don't want to discuss it, Zayn," Louis interrupts, and his voice is firm, stubborn. "I just. I'm in too deep, alright? He's so young he's just messing around and I'm in too deep and it's my own fault and I've got to pull back before I get hurt."

He pulls away from Zayn's grasp to roll over in the tiny bed, putting as much space between them as possible. Zayn's eyes follow the outline of his shaded back and he thinks that maybe tonight's bold _beautiful_ display was just a sort of sick foreshadowing.

\--

The next morning, Zayn wakes up to the sound of movement in their room. He opens his eyes wearily.

"Where are you going," he asks Louis, voice cracking. Louis turns. He's got on sweats and a backpack slung over one shoulder and he was toeing on his shoes when Zayn interrupted him.

"Library," Louis says, face blank. "Got a lot of work so." he makes to turn around again.

"Come on, Lou," Zayn tries to talk sense into him, "Stay with me, let me keep you company -"

"I'd rather be alone, Zayn, I'll see you later," he slams the door shut behind him and Zayn sighs.

Crap.

\--

When it's ten o'clock at night and Louis still hasn't come back, he considers going out to find him, but there are like, thirty libaries on campus and they each have like eight floors so.

He sighs, dials Niall.

"Hey," she says, "Everything ok?"

"No, not at all."

"Yeah," Niall says, voice small. Zayn sighs.

"Have you heard from Lou?"

"No, no, I haven't. I thought he was with you?"

"He should be. No, he left early this morning to go to the library apparently. Haven't heard from him since. I tried calling and texting but -"

"I'll try him," Niall says, but she sounds doubtful.

"How's Harry?"

He hears her sigh as a rush of static over the phone.

"He went home with Liam last night. He's still there, I think."

"Ok, well. That's good. I guess."

"Bloody hell, Zayn, what are we going to do?"

"I don't know, Ni, I don't - I don't think there's anything we _can_ do right now."

"Yeah," and she sounds infinitely sad and Zayn wants to fix it so badly. "Well. I'll let you know if I hear anything from Louis."

"Thanks, Niall. It'll be ok, yeah? They'll sort it."

"Yeah, yeah, ok. They have to right? They're Louis and Harry, they basically declared their love for each other in front of the entire student body last night. Right? They'll be fine."

"Yeah, of course. Definitely."

When they hang up, he scrubs at his face with a rough hand.

Crap.

\--

It's late by the time Louis creeps back into their room. Zayn's lying in bed, almost asleep when he hears the lock turn. He keeps his eyes closed, listens to Louis place his stuff down gently on the floor, toe off his sneakers and climb into the top bunk.

The next morning, he's gone before Zayn wakes up.

Crap.

\--

And so it goes on.

Apart, Harry and Louis are two storms brewing, and their three dearest friends trip over themselves to keep from triggering the downpour. They do their best to keep the idea of them separate in their heads, or at the very least, to keep it from translating to their tongues, but it's surprisingly difficult even after only a few months. And they've been divided into teams too, apparently. Zayn discovers he's been assigned Louis when Harry stands him up for lunch the next two days in a row, and leaves the Diana with a lame excuse and a shuttered expression when Zayn comes in to meet Niall. He feels awful about it, but Harry's not returning any of his calls or texts and Zayn can only whine about it to Liam so much before his ear falls off so -. (It appears that Liam's on Harry's team, because he's having the same trouble with Louis.)

To their credit, it's only slightly obvious that they're both completely miserable without each other.

\--

Zayn does manage to catch Harry eventually, but it's only by surprise and only because he unexpectedly cuts class with Liam so they can study for their sociology midterm. When they walk into Zayn's room, Harry is already there, running long fingers over a shirt that might be his or Louis'. Zayn can't be sure, he's seen it on both of them often enough.

"Fuck, shit, sorry," Harry curses, "I thought. You have class."

Zayn raises an eyebrow.

"Yeah," he responds roughly.

"Sorry," Harry says again. "I just wanted to um. Grab some of my stuff." He holds up the t-shirt. So it is his then.

"Fine," Zayn shrugs. Harry looks down and Liam rolls his eyes.

"Oh, shut up, Zayn. Don't mind him Haz, he just doesn't know how to tell you he misses you, the little shit."

Zayn turns to glare at Liam but he doesn't miss the hopeful gaze hidden under Harry's unruly fringe. Harry lets out a nervous chuckle and takes a step towards Zayn.

"Zayn?" he asks softly, hesitantly. Zayn sighs, just to the left of exasperated.

"Yeah, fine. But _you're_ the one who's gone completely mental." Harry's face darkens but he remains close to Zayn.

"S'not me. I just. I don't know what to do. I want to be with him, but. It's too painful to love someone who doesn't love you back the same way," and his words are stripped to the bone so Zayn keeps his _oh for chrissake_ in the bite of his cheek.

"What makes you think he doesn't love you?"

Harry raises his shoulders.

"He laughed in my face. I told him I loved him, outside on the curb. It's the first time I've said it out loud to anyone who's not my mum and. He laughed in my face. Told me I was just a kid and what did it matter?" His voice gives and he digs his heels into his eyes for a moment, takes a deep breath. "Face it Zayn, he was just messing me about." He lays a hand lightly on the curve of Zayn's hip, blinks twice at him. _i'm sorry_. And then he's gone.

Zayn settles heavily in a chair when the door clicks shut and rubs his face gruffly.

"You knew about this?" he asks Liam then, looking up at him incredulously. Liam nods hesitantly.

"We have to do something, Liam, we can't just - " he trails off at the way Liam bites his lip, avoids eye contact, "What?"

"I dunno," Liam says carefully, sinking into a chair besides Zayn, "He's got a point Zayn," he says gently, "It _is_ hard to be with someone who doesn't love you back the same way."

Zayn swallows at the implication behind those words, but Liam just continues to smile at him kindly, eyebrows raising only enough to be reassuring. Zayn sighs.

"But Louis _does_ love him, is the thing," Zayn says finally. "He's just a total idiot. Thinks _Harry_ doesn't love him or something equally as insane."

Liam blinks at him.

"They're _idiots_."

"Yup," Zayn nods, smiling a little at Liam's earnestness. 

"We've got to do something," Liam says and it's with a finality that Zayn cannot argue with.

\--

"I don't understand why you needed me to dress up. _You_ haven't even buttoned up your shirt!" Harry's peering anxiously through the cracked door even as he tugs annoyingly at his tie, and Zayn rolls his eyes.

"I _told_ you he wouldn't be here, Haz, he's gone out," Zayn says exasperatedly, opening the door further, and letting Harry in. Harry does one more quick scan of the room and then relaxes with a _hmph_ , lets long arms drop bonelessly to his sides in concession. "And anyway, can't have my date looking shabby now can I?"

Harry rolls eyes.

"Don't understand why _I_ have to be your date anyway," he mutters. "Where's Liam when you need him?" Zayn just stares up at him sternly.

"Liam's got plans and Louis would never come with me to something like this and the last time Niall went out with a gay guy well. You remember." Harry winces sympathetically. "And I can't go to this thing alone, Haz," Zayn infuses a note of pleading into his voice. "Artists are horrible when they're all together."

"Can't believe you're actually going," Harry says and now he's grinning all proud and endearing and Zayn flushes.

"Yeah well. Was Li's idea so," he swallows, which is true enough, really. He looks Harry up and down, studies him carefully. "You clean up nice enough, Styles," he smirks. Harry rolls his eyes again and it's easy between the two of them, like it hasn't been since Harry and Louis ended and Zayn feels a part of him slide back into place. "Still can't sleep?" he asks, noting the dark bruises under Harry's eyes.

"I guess. How'd you know I haven't been sleeping?"

"Lee-yumm," Zayn says, drawing his name out. Harry shakes his head. "C'mon, you didn't think I'd actually let you fall of the grid. Even if you _are_ a complete tosser."

"I just thought it'd be easier this way," Harry mumbles and he looks ashamed and well. Good.

"Yeah well. A wise man once told me. We're family, Haz. So you're stuck with me."

\--

Harry walks slowly to keep pace with Zayn and his crutches as they make their way towards the Havana Central. Harry's got Zayn's portfolio of doodles with him, thinks they're going to this party for artists that the art society at Columbia hosts every year, networking opportunities and all that.

"Are you nervous?" Harry asks him at a red light. Zayn feels his heart twist a little guiltily.

"I dunno," Zayn mutters finally. "Haven't really thought about it."

When they get to the pastry shop Zayn spots Liam and Louis immediately, in the farthest corner in the back. He takes a deep breath.

"We've already got a table, Haz," he says, nudges him forward. But Harry doesn't move.

"Zayn, what the fuck - "

"Just. Come on," he pushes Harry forward as best he can.

When Liam spots them he stands and then Louis turns around and Zayn watches the color drain from his face.

"What the actual fuck is going on here?" he demands of Liam. Liam shrugs.

"You're both being complete arses," Zayn supplies. Liam nods his agreement. Harry and Louis just stare at each other, expressions blank. Zayn heaves a sigh. Christ but they both can be so stubborn. "Listen. Haz. Louis told his mum about you. S'the first time he's ever done that. About anyone. And Lou, Haz was a mess when we were gone for a _week_. And he's never said I love you to anyone before. Ok? You two are meant to be, alright? You complete each other, and all that other stuff. And, we're tired of seeing you both miserable, especially when there's nothing standing in your way but a stupid miscommunication. Now go on, talk this out."

They both stare at him for a moment. Zayn can't help but feel a little pleased with himself.

"Is that - You told your mum about me? But - why?" Harry turns to Louis, confused.

"I thought. I mean. I thought you could. I thought she'd be meeting you one day," Louis trips over his words more than once, tugs at his hair. "You really -" Harry nods his head vigorously.

"Yeah, Lou. Yeah, of course. There's no one else I swear -" he musses up his hair and swipes it back, offers Louis a shy smile that Louis hesitantly returns.

"Harry -" Louis trails off, looks up at him with the beginnings of mischief. From next to him, Zayn can feel the way Harry holds his breath, waits. "Why are you wearing a tie?"

"I - uh," Harry looks down at the tie and back up at Louis.

"We wanted to make sure he was irresistible," Zayn supplies. Harry laughs an embarrassed laugh, covering his face with a large palm.

"Oh my god," he mumbles.

"Hey," Louis says, voice going soft. He tugs at the edge of Harry's tie, draws him closer. "Might be working."

"Yeah?" Harry looks at him, eyes wide and hopeful above fingertips.

Zayn pretends to gag and Liam wrinkles his nose.

"And on that note, Zayn's got art snobs to charm," Liam announces. "I'll take this off your hands, Haz," he swipes Zayn's portfolio from Harry just as Zayn opens his mouth in surprise.

"I'm not actually going Liam, come on." His three other friends glare at him. "You're all impossible," he mutters at the way they're looking at him.

"C'mon," Liam tugs at him, "Let them fix this," he turns to Harry and Louis, stares them down with as dangerous a look as is possible for him to muster, "Fix this. Alright?"

When they're outside, Zayn turns his most wide-eyed pout on Liam.

"I can't go tonight. Please? My portfolio's not ready, it's pretty shit, actually, and -" he tugs at Liam's shirt lightly, drawing him in, "I want to present my best work?" he tries. He bites his lip for good measure, watches as Liam considers him.

"You're shameless, you know that?" but he's hiding a smile and Zayn grins back at him innocently. "What do you want to do instead then?"

"I'm kind of tired, actually," Zayn says sheepishly. "Can we go back to yours? Order takeout and watch a movie?"

Liam smiles.

"Subsconscious?" Liam prods.

"Yes," Zayn grins, does a little victory punch.

\--

They end up skipping the movie, settling themselves on the floor with Zayn's bad leg propped up on a pillow, chatting about nothing, swapping stories about classes and exchanging bites of their sandwiches. Zayn even manages to convince Liam to let him pay for dinner, so he counts that as a small victory, too. Liam grabs his laptop and puts on Jason Mraz's second album and Zayn want to tease him for it, he does, but he's finding it quite endearing so he bites his tongue.

It's in a small silence, to _it takes some cold to know the sun_ that it occurs to Zayn how many moments he and Liam have spent together like this since his return from England. It warms him a bit from the inside, tugs his lips into a smile and pushes his eyes together. He studies Liam from across the room, his head tipped back gently, eyes shut, foot tapping a rhythm to _and it takes no time to fall in love_ so Zayn shuts his eyes too, leans into _it takes the dust to have it polished_.

When Liam starts talking again, his voice melts into the tracks, soothing Zayn more than Mraz ever could. He smiles wider, keeps his eyes closed.

"Oii, am I boring you?" Liam teases, kicking gently at Zayn's good leg. It's the first time Liam's touched him since they got back to to Liam's place, and even that innocent gesture manages to startle Zayn into opening his eyes.

"No, sorry," he smiles at Liam ruefully, "S'just. I like listening to your voice," he confesses. Liam blushes.

"Shameless," he mutters, smiling at Zayn.

"No, no I'm serious," Zayn protests earnestly. Liam laughs at him, and for a moment they're quiet, just watching each other. Zayn glances down at his hands after a beat.

"On a scale from one to furious how mad do you think they are?" he asks then. Liam laughs.

"They better be thanking us after this," he chuckles, "but no, you're right. Knowing them, we should be on our guard," he teases. Liam's phone goes off then, and he checks it and then curses quietly.

"Crap. Gotta skype my sister. Would you -" he breaks off and Zayn's a bit hurt but he shrugs.

"I can go, yeah," he offers.

"- want to meet her?" Liam smiles and Zayn can feel a slow foolish smile of his own stretch across his face.

"Yeah. Yeah, I'd love to."

Liam shifts so he's sitting side by side with Zayn. They dial her up and after two rings her face appears, grainy with the crap internet. She looks tired, with her hair pulled loosely out of her face but she offers Liam a bright smile when the signal becomes clear.

"Hey Liam, almost forget about me?" she teases. Liam shakes his head, shooting her an apologetic smile.

"Char, this is um. This is Zayn," he says quietly, tilting the screen so that Zayn's in view. Zayn watches her eyes widen.

"Wow, um. Hi. It's uh. It's good to finally meet you," she says slowly.

"You too," Zayn says, trying to move past the fact that she doesn't seem particularly pleased that he's with Liam right now. "I've heard a lot about you."

Charlotte laughs, rolls her eyes.

"Let me guess, half stories and vague tidbits?"

Zayn lets out a rush of surprised laughter.

"That's about right, actually, yeah," Zayn admits. She shakes her head fondly at her brother.

"Oh Liam," she sighs. "Tell him, ok? C'mon. You can't keep everything to yourself, it'll drive you crazy."

"Yeah, ok, maybe," mutters Liam.

"Oh, don't be like that, grouchy," she coaxes sweetly, leaning in close to the camera. "Jesus, Liam, you look exhausted," she exclaims. Liam shrugs, but he's smiling again at her.

"I'm working hard," he defends, and Charlotte laughs again, whole and throaty.

"Yeah yeah, on like, next week's work, right Zayn?"

Zayn grins at her.

"He's impossible," he says, wrinkling his nose for the effect.

"Yeah," she smiles fondly at him, "Yeah, he is. Speaking of impossible, by the way, I spoke to Maria a few days ago. She sends her love," her eyes twinkle in a way that Zayn knows he's missing something here. Liam laughs.

"Oh boy, how is she?"

"She's fine. You could call her you know, her birthday's in a few days," Charlotte suggests, fixing Liam with a stern look. She rolls her eyes at his noncommittal shrug. "Boys. Never know how to pick up the telephone." She turns her attention to Zayn, eyes dancing wickedly. "Has Liam ever told you he can dance?" Beside him, Liam lets out a low groan.

"I hate you," he tells her matter-o-factly. She laughs like that's exactly what she wanted to hear.

"Wait no, he hasn't," Zayn interrupts, eager to hear more.

"Well," she pauses for dramatic flair and to take in Liam's scowl, "When we were growing up we had a nanny right, to take care of us when our parents were out of town. Maria," she tells him, with a practiced roll of the R, "was her daughter. When our parents were out of the house, Maria used to sneak us out to the part of the neighborhood where she grew up in, late on Friday nights, and bring us to this one latino club where her best friend worked. And we would go dancing Zayn, all night long until our bones ached with it and our heads swam from it," her eyes are sparkling now with the memory, "I was pretty good," she says with mock conceit and a wry grin, "but I could never keep up with Liam. All the ladies wanted to dance with him. Look at the way _el rubio_ moves his hips they would say."

And that's, well. Zayn can't even bring himself to be surprised at this point. He turns to Liam, expecting Liam to be embarrassed, but instead his eyes are alight.

"God, the way they moved though," he breathes out excitedly, "It was effortless, Zayn, like they had spent most of their life dancing instead of walking like the rest of us. It was beautiful."

"You were beautiful," teases Charlotte, "Maria thought you would be all two left feet but boy was she glad she was wrong," she winks.

Zayn's awe must be transparent on his face because Liam eyes him curiously, has the decency to look at least slightly bashful.

"What?" he prods, nudging Zayn gently.

"Is there anything you can't do?" Zayn asks him, completely serious.

Charlotte scoffs at that, waves a hand idly.

"Have you seen him in the kitchen? He's a walking disaster."

"It's true," Liam affirms solemnly, corner of his mouth quirked up.

"We should go out, I mean. There are plenty of Latino clubs in the city. I want to watch you," Zayn says adamantly, expecting Liam to put up a fight at the request. He just chuckles amusedly though.

"Yeah alright," he agrees good-naturedly, "Maybe someday."

Charlotte and Liam continue to talk after that, and Zayn's attention fades in and out as they discuss her grades and the latest guy she's seeing and how perfect the weather is in Florida right now. After a few minutes, Liam shifts slightly, and Zayn lifts his head up from where it's been resting on Liam's shoulder.

"Sorry," he mumbles sleepily.

"No, no, you're fine, just. Here," he slips his arm around Zayn, lets Zayn rest under his shoulder and Zayn allows himself to be lulled to sleep by the slow rumble of Liam's chest when he talks. He hears Charlotte cough distantly, feels Liam shake his head.

"I'm fine, Char, I promise," Liam murmurs.

He must have fallen into a deep sleep because he's woken up a second time by a gentle nudge from Liam. He blinks open his eyes. He's got his hand clenched in the fabric of Liam's t-shirt and he's settled himself in the nook Liam's arm creates, and he's pretty sure he's been sleeping with his mouth open. Shit. The computer screen's showing facebook so Charlotte must have hung up awhile ago. He looks up at Liam.

"Why didn't you wake me?" he asks, voice rough.

"You seemed comfortable," Liam says, blushing slightly. "I didn't want to disturb you. I - um. Louis texted. He wants to know if you would mind staying at my place because he wants to bring Harry home." he waggles his eyebrows at the last bit, obviously thrilled for the two of them, but there are nerves tucked away in his smile. When Zayn stays quiet for a beat too long, Liam continues quickly, "I'll sleep on the floor, obviously," he assures Zayn, "I mean. It's ok if you don't want to, I -" Zayn just shakes his head drowsily.

"Let's just not move," he mumbles, burrowing further into Liam, who gives a weak laugh. He shoots a text back to Louis with one hand and then turns back to Zayn.

"C'mon, I promise you'll find my bed more comfortable than me," he says, attempting to pull away. But Zayn tangles his hand in Liam's t-shirt on a whim.

"Liam," he murmurs. "Tell me." Liam stills.

"Tell you what?" he asks cautiously.

"Tell me what your sister wanted you to," he says, sleep fading fast as Liam's face turns serious.

"You're tired Zayn and I -"

"M'not," Zayn protests, sitting up quickly and shaking his head to clear the sleepiness, "M'not. C'mon, Li. I want to know you. All of you. Please?"

"Crap," swears Liam, watching the way Zayn bites his lip at the confession. "You're so -"

"Shameless?" Zayn supplies, giving him a crooked smile. Liam sighs.

"Are you sure? I'm not really proud of -"

"Hey," Zayn squeezes his arm. "I'm sure, Li," he reassures him softly. Liam sighs again, removes his arm from the back of Zayn's shoulders, turning in on himself and away from Zayn.

"Alright fine. So I. Ok. So I'm from Florida right? A really small town in Florida, conservative and closed-minded and just. Really small. In more ways than one. And at first, it was good you know? It was all I'd ever known. And when I was fifteen I sang at this church thing to impress a girl and Char recorded me and uploaded it to youtube and suddenly it was getting lots of hits. Mostly from people I knew of course, but still. It was a lot of hits. And people started asking me to do requests and my sister well. She would persuade me to sing all these songs, and she'd record them and upload them and. They were rough, you know? But people seemed to like them. A lot. It was pretty amazing, actually," he smiles wistfully.

"What happened?" Zayn prods. Liam's smile twists slightly, becomes cruel and strained.

"Well. I started realizing I'd rather impress boys," his voice turns shaky, "I knew it was wrong, you know? Or at least, I knew my parents knew it was wrong, and my teachers, and my friends, and the Reverend. He obviously knew it was wrong. And I just. I kept it hidden for a really long time. Away from Char and my closest friends and -"

"Liam," Zayn breathes, but he doesn't have any other words.

"One night, my senior year of high school, we were at this party right? And I'm _plastered_. It's still the beginning of the year but it feels like we're on top of the world. And I'm surrounded by the people who love me most, the people I love the most. And my best friend. God, I loved him so much, you know. He kind of leans in, and I've just. I've always wanted to. And I _knew_ I couldn't, shouldn't just," he draws an unsteady breath, "The way he looked at me, like he loved me the most too. I kissed him. I couldn't help it. And -" he breaks off and Zayn presses closer.

"It's ok, you don't have to -" Zayn tries, but Liam shakes his head.

"No, it's ok. I'm ok," he takes a deep breath, "He punched me in the face and then turned away and never spoke to me again. And everyone saw and those who didn't heard the rumors, and, well. You can imagine. And my parents were furious, too, god. They refused to speak to me for weeks. And those fucking youtube videos filled up with all this shit about faggots and homos and fuck. I read them all. Every last comment and then. I took them down. I couldn't stand to have them up I -" he breaks off again, chest heaving, face turned away from Zayn's. A silence stretches and Zayn's just about to break it, try and find something to say that will make this all better, when Liam continues, "Char stood up for me, or she tried to, but. It wasn't fair to her. She shouldn't have had to deal with all that shit because of me, so. I applied out of state. I applied everywhere I could. And when I got into Columbia, I took it. And I never looked back. I haven't been back home since I left Florida over three years ago. Haven't spoken to my parents in as long either," he plays with the loose edges of the carpet, "So, there you have it," he finishes miserably. "My fucking sob story, or whatever," he mutters.

"Liam," Zayn tries to reach for him, but Liam shrugs him off, studies the floor. "Liam. It doesn't change anything. I -." he breaks off, breathes out slow to gather his thoughts. "Thanks for trusting me enough to tell me, Li," he says finally. "I really appreciate it." Liam shakes his head sharply.

"I don't want you feeling sorry for me." he says, voice monotone. Zayn settles into him, swings an arm around his torso once more and holds on tightly.

"Shut up," he says. After a moment he feels Liam's arm come around him again. "You're so brave," Zayn tells him, because he _is_ , fuck. If it had been Zayn? Zayn was lucky enough that his mum and sisters had been wonderful after he came out, and he's always had Louis and christ, but he can't imagine going through anything Liam went through. Liam makes a little noise in his throat, rests his chin in Zayn's hair.

"I wasn't," his voice barely audible now and Zayn's heart bottoms out, "I did some pretty fucked up things. I - I wasn't brave at all, Zayn." Zayn can only shake his head furiously, clutch tighter to Liam.

They sit there like that for a long time, Zayn focusing on the way Liam breathes in and out, trying to match him, breath for breath. He can't be sure what's on Liam's mind but his own thoughts keep straying to life without this boy tangled up in him now and it makes his mouth dry and his heart ache.

"Come on," Liam says suddenly, shaken from his thoughts by something Zayn can't see. "Let's get you to bed you must be exhausted." Zayn wants to protest but he's yawning and Liam's already getting up. He keeps his eyes averted as he helps Zayn to his feet and then he makes to move away but Zayn panics, refuses to let go.

"Stay, Li," he begs, tugging on Liam's shirt again. Liam looks up at him for the first time since he started telling his story and his eyes are red-rimmed and wet with unshed tears and Zayn moves closer to him. "Please?" he asks, voice higher with the unexplained desperation, "I just. I can't -"

"Zayn," the color drains from Liam's face, "Zayn. I'm not. I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere. That was a long time ago, ok? I promise. I'm fine now. The memories still hurt but. It's not. I'm _ok_." Zayn's nodding and fuck this is so dumb because Liam's right, of course he is but. Zayn can't help but be stubborn about this. For some reason it seems too important. "Zayn, I'm so sorry," Liam cups the back of his neck gently, "I'm right here, come on, look at me."

"Just, stay Liam. Ok?" Zayn says firmly. Liam studies him for a moment longer before he's nodding his head.

"Ok, I will. If that's what you want, I will."

Zayn sinks heavily onto the bed with relief, his bad leg aching suddenly in full force and fuck he feels so drained but he doesn't let go of Liam's shirt, pulls him down strongly so that Liam's settling down next to him.

"Hey," Liam says, cupping Zayn's hand that clutches in his t-shirt, gently disentangling Zayn's fingers one by one, "Let me just change, alright?"

Zayn nods, watches carefully as Liam moves away to grab a pair of sweats and a tee. He tugs the shirt he's got on over his head with one arm, his back to Zayn and Zayn watches the muscles there ripple. He swallows.

When Liam's done he passes Zayn a pair of sweats and a shirt as well.

"Here, you can't sleep in your dress shirt."

Zayn eyes the proffered clothes, worries his bottom lip. He hasn't looked in the mirror in a long while but he's pretty sure the bruises that litter his torso stand out as stark as ever, even against his dark skin. Liam seems to guess that because he continues.

"I'll close my eyes, no worries Zayn," his voice is teasing, but his eyes are serious, and Zayn knows he would, if that's what Zayn wanted. But. He shared a huge part of himself tonight and. Zayn should return the gesture, right?

"No, it's fine," he keeps his own voice light too, "I mean, s'nothing you haven't seen before right?" He unbuttons his shirt, watching as Liam's eyes widen in understanding.

When he shrugs off his shirt, Liam draws a sharp breath and Zayn looks up to see Liam's running pained eyes along Zayn's chest and he resists the urge to cover himself with crossed arms. He looks down. There're bruises along his ribs and by his hips, faded to a dull purple blue, and of course, his oldest scar. He traces it with a thumb almost absent-mindedly, feeling the familiar grooves and ridges.

"Do they still hurt?" Liam asks finally. Zayn shrugs.

"Nah, s'just an occasional ache. Now they just look ugly."

"You could never look ugly," Liam mumbles, and then his head snaps up as if he'd never meant to say that out loud, "Shit, sorry, um."

But Zayn's chuckling, he can't help himself.

"Yeah?" he teases.

"Oh shut up," Liam mumbles, smiling reluctantly. Zayn holds his hands out in surrender, gives a him a little shrug. _hey you said it, not me_. He tugs on the shirt Liam gave him, soft from overuse. It takes him a lot longer to slip off his sweats, and he can feel Liam hovering at the corner of his vision, but he's been doing this every morning and every night for the past couple weeks. He can manage.

When he's changed he slips under the covers and after a moments hesitation, Liam slips in after him, careful to leave a small gap between their bodies. Zayn turns on his side to face him.

"Remember the last time we did this and you were drunk off your arse?" Zayn asks innocently.

"No, because I was drunk off my _arse_ ," Liam grumbles, mimicking Zayn's accent. Zayn would giggle if he wasn't so tired.

"Smells like you," he murmurs, eyes slipping shut.

"I find that _shocking_ , Malik, given that it's my bed," Liam says drily. Zayn quirks an eye open at him.

"Prick," he whines, "I'm sleepy."

Liam just smirks at him. And then his face falls.

"Fuck," Liam curses.

"What's wrong?" Zayn asks, both eyes opening concernedly. 

"We forgot to turn off the light," he says. And suddenly he's laughing, tucking his face in his pillow with the force of it, and Zayn joins in too, laughing so much he has to sit up so he can breathe.

"Go on then," he wheezes and Liam makes a face at him. "What?" Zayn shrugs innocent and wide-eyed. "I'm crippled." Liam laughs even harder.

"Absolutely shameless," he mumbles.

\--

Zayn awakens to a room that's too bright and a bed that's too cold and he blinks until his eyes adjust and he can see Liam's settled at his desk with a mug of coffee.

"Morning," he mumbles, and when Liam doesn't hear him, he clears his throat awkwardly and tries again. "Good morning."

"Hey," Liam swivles around in his desk chair to smile at him. "Good morning." He's clutching Zayn's portfolio and when Zayn realizes his eyes grow wide.

"Liam -"

"These are good. Like, really good. You've managed to make me look really really good," he teases, voice light. Zayn buries his face in Liam's pillow. There are lot of pictures of Liam in there, rough sketches and doodles that he does between assignments or in class to keep his hands busy, nothing elaborate but. And Harry and Louis and Niall are in there too, of course, but.

"Thanks," he mutters finally, more embarrassed than anything. Liam grins at him.

"C'mon Zayn, don't be embarrassed. They really are good, I mean. I don't know much about art or anything but."

Zayn sighs, sits up in Liam's bed.

"Breakfast?" Zayn asks, to change the subject. Liam rolls his eyes.

"Can I keep this one?" he asks, sidestepping Zayn's attempt. He's holding up a small doodle in black sharpie Zayn did a short while ago. It's got the two of them in it, Liam sitting sprawled out on the floor and Zayn with his head resting on Liam's knee. Zayn gulps.

"Yeah sure," he says finally, smiling as best he can.

"I mean, if you need it as part of your portfolio, please, feel free to say no but. There are so many of them like it in here I thought you might not miss it," Liam says kindly, voice soft. He's looking up at Zayn with unsure eyes, and Zayn doesn't want that so. He smiles re-assuredly at Liam.

"No, keep it. It's got you in it, so it's half yours anyway."

Liam beams at him.

"I'll treasure it _forever and ever_ ," he grins cheekily at Zayn and Zayn glares at him half-heartedly.

"Arse. Can we please get something to eat?"

"Yeah, yeah. John Jay?" Zayn's halfway through nodding when they hear a pounding on the door. Liam looks at Zayn quizzically and Zayn shrugs so Liam answers the door.

He's practically ambushed by Harry.

"Jesus Christ Haz," Liam says, choking on his curls.

"Hi," Harry grins at him, practically bouncing on the balls of his feet. Louis pushes past the pair of them to come settle next to Zayn.

"Hey," he says more quietly, wrapping his arms around Zayn tightly.

"Hi," Zayn responds, grinning at him until his eyes squint, "You look really good," he murmurs softly, searching Louis's face. He looks like, ten years lighter, the lines of his face relaxed in a way they haven't been in weeks. Zayn studies him some more. "I've missed you," he says, wrapping his arms around Louis's neck. Louis laughs.

"In case you hadn't noticed, I live with you," Louis tells him, and Zayn shakes his head.

"I've missed _this_ you," Zayn tells him and Louis blushes.

"Yeah well, thanks," he mumbles. Zayn just nods, kisses him gently on the forehead.

"Getting started on this reunion without me?" comes a whine from the doorframe. They all turn to see Niall's standing there, arms crossed, lower lip stuck out petulantly.

"Definitely," Zayn and Louis say together, at the same time that Harry and Liam say, "Of course not." They all burst out laughing and Niall launches herself into Harry, wrapping her arms around him tight, the top of her head barely making it to his shoulder. Harry reaches his hand out and Louis takes it, intertwining their fingers and Zayn almost can't believe the relief he sees in the repose of their bodies.

"Thank fuck," Niall says, pulling Liam closer by the belt loop. "Now that Larry's back together we can all be friends again right?" Harry just laughs, kisses Louis gently on the mouth.

"Family, Niall. We're family," Zayn corrects her.

From over Louis's head, Harry sends him a wink.

\--


	6. Chapter 6

"Liam's bringing someone to dinner?" Niall asks.

"Hmm?" Zayn murmurs, the question not quite registering as he scans last page of his paper for errors.

"Zayn? Do you know anything about this?" She leans across her bed to put her phone in his face. Zayn steadies her hand to read what Liam's sent.

_hey ni gona brng some1 to dinner 2nite, save 6 seats in hewitt? xx_

"It's probably nothing," Zayn tells her, even as his stomach gives a little lurch. And even if it is something, Liam's better off, he tells himself firmly. She just sighs, closes her book with a snap.

"I can't ignore my stomach any longer Zayn. Let's go," they're sitting on opposite ends of her bed, and she tickles the inside of his good foot with hers where they overlap.

"Quit it, Ni," Zayn mumbles, turning his attention back to his paper, "And, _done_ ," he saves the document with a flourish, uploads it to the dropbox for his class and then turns his attention back to Niall. "Thank fuck. I never want to hear the words sexual selection ever again." Niall raises an eyebrow at him but she's too impatient to bother asking.

"Come on, let's _go_ ," she complains, getting up and handing him his crutches. He swings his legs over the edge of the bed and then pauses, stares at her in a moment of doubt. When she notices she huffs another sigh and moves to stand between his knees carefully and wrap her arms around his neck. "It's probably nothing," she repeats back to him confidently.

\--

He's definitely fit. Older and clean shaven with a disarming smile and a genuine laugh. And it's most definitely not nothing, thinks Zayn, heart sinking. And then he hates himself for it. Liam deserves to be happy. And Zayn can't make him happy, so he just has to deal with him seeing other people. And that's that.

He forces a smile when Liam introduces them warmly.

"Dylan, this is Zayn Malik. He's a sophomore." They shake his hands firmly.

"Nice to meet you," Dylan says, giving him a look that is entirely too knowing for Zayn's liking.

"You too," Zayn says, trying to be equally as friendly. Underneath the table Louis pinches him.

"Fuck, Lou," Zayn mutters out of the corner of his mouth. "What was that for?"

"Be _nice_ ," Louis mutters back. Christ, is he that obvious?

"Dylan was a senior on the wrestling team when I was a freshman. He went to Cali for grad school but he's back at Columbia for a med school interview," Liam tells them happily, beaming at Dylan. Niall lets out a low whistle.

"Med school huh?" she asks.

"Forget that," Harry puts in, "California? That's brilliant. We've always wanted to go." Dylan laughs.

"How did you manage to find all the cute international kids Li?" he asks affectionately. He turns to Harry. "California is amazing," he agrees, "Just. A bit of an adjustment after the city. Everything is so much. Slower. I don't know. Might just be because I'm sick of school."

"Sounds like you're signing up for like, a million more years of it," Louis points out skeptically.

"Yeah, true, but I'm going to go abroad in the summer, spend some time in Morocco maybe," he nudges Liam with an elbow. "Trying to convince Li to come with me but he's a square."

"Fuck off Chaz," Liam says sweetly and Dylan responds by messing up his hair.

"Chaz?" Niall asks curiously.

"Every guy on the team gets a nickname," Dylan explains.

"Oh my god, remember that one time Spence thought your _actual_ name was Chaz and he tried finding you on facebook that way?"

Dylan bursts out laughing.

"God, yes. And he kept rejecting my actual friend request because he was like who the fuck is Dylan Peterson?"

Liam's laughing hysterically by now.

"God, Spence can be such an idiot," he wheezes when he can speak again. 

"Hey Li, what's your nickname?" Louis asks curiously. Liam shrugs, looks to Dylan like he's the fucking sun.

"Chaz just started calling me Li and it stuck," he explains.

"But we always call you Li," Niall protests. Liam shrugs again.

"No one ever called me Li before I came to Columbia," he says. Dylan looks at him, suddenly serious.

"You speak to you sister yet, kid?" he asks sternly, and Zayn fucking _hates_ how much it bothers him that he's not the only one Liam's confided in. Obviously Liam has other friends here at Columbia. Obviously. He watches as Liam offers Dylan a small smile.

"Yeah, I have Chaz. She's doing good," Liam says softly and Dylan pats him on the back, lets his hand linger along the curve of Liam's spine as far as Zayn can see around the round dining hall table.

"Proud of you," he says genuinely. There's silence for a moment, and Louis, Harry, Zayn and Niall exchange glances. Finally, Harry clears his throat.

"M'gonna try some of that pumpkin pie if there's any left. Anyone want anything?"

"Pie for me, too, please, Haz, you're a doll," Louis winks at him and Harry kisses him full on the mouth.

"Anything for you babe," he says.

"He's pretty fucking brilliant," Dylan observes when he's left and Louis chortles.

"Accurate," Louis agrees, proudly.

"Ugh," Niall says, wrinkling her nose, "Don't encourage him."

"So are you all from England then?" he asks, and Niall rolls her eyes, opens her mouth to tell him off, when he turns to her, "Except you. You're from Ireland?"

Niall closes her mouth with a pleased little smile and Liam beams up at Dylan.

"Yeah," Liam says, "But Harry and Louis met here. Louis and Zayn went to school together though," he tells Dylan.

"Oh," Dylan turns to Zayn for the second time that night. "Sports injury?" he asks sympathetically, nodding at the crutches.

"I - uh," Zayn stutters, caught off guard by the question.

"S'a bit more complicated than that," Liam cuts in quickly, laying a strong hand on Dylan's elbow. Dylan turns to Liam and nods, doesn't ask anymore questions and christ, it's giving Zayn a headache thinking about how close they must have been. Across the table, Niall bites her lip, shoots him a concerned look, and Louis rests an arm on the edge of Zayn's chair, a warm pressure in his back and _what the fuck is my problem_ , he thinks to himself miserably.

Harry comes back with an entire pie and Niall's eyes widen.

"What the hell," she exclaims, "How did you -?" Harry gives her an innocent shrug.

"What can I say? They really really like me," he says with a wicked gleam. Niall crosses her arms, grumbling something about wicked old cafeteria ladies and annoyingly charming boys.

When they've devoured an entire pie between the six of them Dylan turns to Liam.

"I better get going. Promised Nick I'd meet up with him so he could buy me a drink or three. It was great to see you though, Li," he says, squeezing Liam's shoulder roughly.

"Take care of yourself, yeah Chaz?" Liam turns in his chair to embrace him and Dylan nods.

"See ya'll later," he says with a flick of his fingers.

"He was really nice, Li," Niall says when he's gone. Everyone nods in agreement and Zayn does too, he does.

"I'm glad you liked him. He's. I owe him a lot," Liam grins almost shyly.

They throw their plates out and then Niall says she's got to meet a few of her friends to go over some choreo her class tomorrow. The boys begin to make their way back to Columbia, walking slowly in the night air. Zayn's hands itch to light a cigarette but, it's basically impossible to walk on crutches and smoke at the same time. He knows. He's tried it.

"It's a Thursday night you know," Louis muses when they're halfway down College Walk. "We're only sophomores and we're already boring," he moans.

"And I'm still a freshman," Harry points out, tucking himself underneath Louis' arm.

"And he's only a freshman," exclaims Louis, "We're sucking the life out of him already!"

"I rather like when you suck the life out of me," Harry deadpans. Liam stops short.

"Oh my god," he moans, "You didn't."

Louis's staring up at Harry, eyes darkening slightly.

"Yeah?" he murmurs, voice low.

"That - worked?" Zayn asks incredulously to Liam. "Christ, Lou, really?" But they're whispering to each other and they don't pay Zayn any attention.

"We're uh, we're going to head back to Harry's," Louis says a little breathlessly, "Liam be a gentleman and take Zayn home?" He doesn't bother waiting for Liam's reply.

"Oh my god," Liam says again, voice low with disbelief. "What just happened?"

"I don't want to know." Zayn says firmly. They look at each other, trying desperately not to laugh until they can't control themselves anymore and suddenly they're doubled over, laughter coming out in snorts and embarrassing whimpers.

"Come on," Liam says when he can breathe again. He skips forward and doubles back to keep up with Zayn's snail pace.

"You're in a good mood," Zayn observes.

"Yeah. Yeah. It's good to see Harry and Louis back together," Liam grins. "And it was really good to see Dylan," he slows his pace a little, walking backwards so he can face Zayn, "You liked him right?"

"I - yeah. Course I did," Zayn says, biting his tongue.

"Good. I'm glad. He helped me out a lot, you know, when I first got here," he swings around so they're walking side by side again, "took me under his wing kind of, you know? He uh. Helped me come out to the team and stuff. He might have been the first one to tell me it was _ok_ to be gay," his smile turns cheeky all of a sudden, " _and_ he's the one who convinced me to ask you out finally." Zayn stops short and Liam turns too.

"What?"

"Yeah," he laughs a little, "There was this guy, you know. Used to see him everywhere on campus. Thought he was _gorgeous_ , quiet, bit broody but. And then he ends up in my sociology class. In my discussion section, no less. Chaz convinced me it was fate," he's blushing now, face lit up by the soft hum of the streetlight they're standing underneath.

"Shit. I - really?" Liam shrugs.

"Not everything works out the way you want it to," he says quietly, almost to himself, starting to walk again. Zayn follows him after a moment, "but if I hadn't - I mean. I can't imagine a life without you and Niall and Harry and Louis, you know? I think it _was_ fate." He gives Zayn a lopsided smile. "You know," he says, skipping forward again, "Louis was right. We _should_ do something tonight." He doubles back, tilts his head up to feel the slight breeze, almost giddy.

Zayn opens his mouth and closes it.

"Sure," he says finally, grinning at Liam. And he finds that when he starts smiling he can't stop, "What do you want to do?"

"Uh," Liam's hands flop down heavily. "We could," he gives Zayn a sheepish smile. "Go back to yours and watch a movie?" Zayn snorts.

"Adventurous," he remarks, Liam shrugs ruefully.

"One step at a time," he winks.

"Fine, but we have to go to yours because you're the one with the Miyazaki films."

Liam's eyes widen.

"You're such a nerd," he tells him. Zayn scoffs.

"Please. Coming from the guy who owns the box set of X-Men. Half of those aren't even that good."

"Yeah well. At least _I_ don't have the actual comics," Liam says. Zayn's mouth falls open.

"How did you - Did Louis tell you?" Liam bursts out laughing.

"Oh my god you actually have them," he says gleefully, "I was just fishing." Zayn feels the tips of his ears heat up.

"Fuck off," he groans.

"You were that kid weren't you. You collected them didn't you," Liam teases.

"I uh. Yeah," Zayn admits finally, easy for this boy and his questions.

"God that's cute," Liam practically croons.

"Shut up," Zayn begs. Liam waggles his eyebrows.

"Never," he proclaims, but then he turns serious for a moment. "Have you been to comic con here? I hear it's amazing." Zayn's eyes light up.

"I want to so badly," Zayn says, talking fast, completely forgetting his embarrassment. "Ever since I figured out I was coming here, actually. But I can't find anyone to go with me. And if I go I want to like, dress up and everything, that would be _brilliant_." 

"I'll go with you, but only if we can be Iron Man and Captain America," Liam throws out nonchalantly.

Zayn stops where he is again.

"Really?"

"I get to be Captain America," Liam adds quickly. Zayn's eyes widen.

"Really?" he presses. Liam laughs.

"Yeah, course I will," he says softly.

"You're amazing Li," Zayn tells him, because ok, carrying his bag around campus for him is one thing, but like, dressing up and paying to brave a bunch of mostly obnoxious nerds and listen to panels for hours on end that he doesn't actually care about. That's, well. Wow.

"Course I am," Liam says off-handedly, with a wave of his hand. But he's smiling his crinkly eyed smile.

\--

They're almost through Spirited Away when they hear the knock on the door. Zayn groans his annoyance.

"Haz and Lou?" Liam asks, pausing the movie. Zayn shakes his head.

"Doubtful. They're probably still fucking," Zayn says with a roll of his eyes. "Niall?" Liam shrugs.

"Definitely not, she'll be exhausted after rehearsal. Maybe I still have other friends," he says with a laugh. The knocking starts up again and Liam sighs, slips out of bed to open the door.

"Chaz?" Zayn hears him say. "What are you doing here?"

Zayn swings his legs over the edge of the bed.

"Aren't you going to invite me in," Dylan slurs.

"Are you drunk?" Liam shakes his head fondly, stepping aside to let him in. Dylan's eyes widen.

"Oh. Thought you were alone," Dylan says, frowning.

"Nope," Liam shakes his head. "Zayn and I were watching Spirited Away. S'almost over but," he looks at Zayn, "You can join us. Right Zayn?" Zayn gives a hesitant nod. Something's not right about this -

"I can go," he says quickly, realization dawning. He digs his nails into his palm lightly, the flicker of pain grounding him.

"No," Liam says at the same time Dylan says "Yes." Liam shoots him a look, brow furrowed.

"Chaz - "

"I can go," Zayn forces himself to offer again.

"No," Liam says firmly, raising a hand to stop Zayn from getting up. "Stay, I mean it," he turns back to Dylan. "What's going on Chaz?"

"Nothing, just you know," he slurs, "wanted to see you."

"Chaz," Liam shakes his head again, "We're gonna finish our movie ok? You can stay, if you want. Budge over Zayn," he says, settling himself on the bed. Zayn bites his lip, and then scoots over. After a second, Dylan joins them too on the other side of Liam.

"Have you seen the movie before?" Dylan shakes his head no. "Oh. It's um. It's really good."

Conversation is stilted and awkward and Zayn tries to focus on the screen but he can feel the daggers Dylan is sending his way and the way he keeps shifting into Liam and he can't help but breathe a sigh of relief when the movie ends just a little while later. He moves to get up but Liam grabs at his arm, stares at him with an order in his eyes, so Zayn stays put.

"Um, so," Liam starts. "It's uh. It's really late." And it is pretty late. Like, two am. Zayn stifles a yawn, stretching out on Liam's bed. "And I'm um, really tired." Dylan's eyes narrow and then he gets up.

"Alright then, I guess I'm out," he says with a shrug. Liam gets up to walk him the short distance to the door, pulling him into a hug.

Chaz stays close to Liam, slides a hand along his hip and leans in to whisper something into Liam's ear, lingering in his space. Zayn looks away, clenches a fist.

"Chaz, _no_ , it's really late, and I really am tired -"

Dylan snorts.

"Jesus Liam, he doesn't want to be with you, he's made that clear enough. C'mon, what's the harm?" he asks, reaching for him once more, but Liam pulls away. Zayn holds his breath.

"Go home, Dylan," Liam says, soft but firm. There's no pain in his eyes, only a small sadness and Zayn breathes out. Dylan sighs, ruffles up Liam's hair.

"Alright Li, alright," he kisses Liam on the forehead and Liam closes his eyes, smiles softly.

"It was really good seeing you," Liam tells him as he's out the door. "Have a safe flight back, ok?" Dylan shakes his head, eyes crinkled up fondly.

"You're too good, you know that?"

Liam smirks.

"Too good for you anyway," Liam quips and Dylan grins cheekily.

"Good night."

Liam shuts the door with a sigh.

"Sorry about that," he turns back to Zayn, scratching the back of his head meekly, "Want me to walk you home? Or you can stay, if you're too tired? I don't mind sleeping on the floor."

Zayn opens and closes his mouth a few times, tries to filter what he _wants_ to say into what's actually appropriate to say.

"I could have gone," he says finally. Liam shrugs.

"I wanted you to stay," he says simply. Zayn can't help but smile at that, biting at the inside of this cheek to keep his face from getting out of control.

"He's right you know," Zayn tells him, "You are too good."

An unreadable expression flickers across Liam's face and then he smiles a smile that doesn't quite reach his eyes.

"You gonna stay?" he deflects. Zayn considers him. He knows what he _should_ do but -

"Well," he says slowly, "I do have an itch to watch Ponyo, but since you're so tired -" he trails off mischeviously.

"God I hate you," Liam groans, "Shove over then," he says, grabbing the movie from his stack of DVDs and settling in next to him.

Zayn falls asleep like, twenty minutes later.

\--

It's raining the day he's due to get his cast off, but even that can't put a damper on his mood. It feels like finally, he'll be ridding himself of the pain and heartbreak that exists as a sort of dull throb behind his eyes, an ache in his lower belly, a soreness in his joints. Finally, he'll be putting that part of his life behind him. Finally he'll - be able to walk and smoke at the same time. He sighs. It's the small things really. Being able to swing Niall about and wrestle Louis around and well, erase the pain Zayn catches in Liam's eyes on occasion, when they come to rest on Zayn's injury.

He wants to be able to run and walk and jump again. He wants to be able to _move_ without thinking about why he can't. Without thinking about George.

Zayn's never been happier to be going to a hospital. Even with the rain.

"You didn't have to come with me," he says aloud to Louis and Niall, who are sitting on either side of him in the CU Public Safety van they sent to bring Zayn to Columbia Press. Niall rolls her eyes, but Louis bounces in his seat.

"And miss a chance to ride with Public Safety? Definitely not," he says.

"Oh my god," Niall says and Zayn knows exactly what she's thinking.

"Remember that time we were heading back from Mel's in public safety and you were so drunk you could barely not throw up the entire ten minute ride?"

"Yes," Niall grins, "He looked positively _green_ , no one would sit next to him."

"Was that the time he puked in the bushes all the way back to Carmen?" Zayn asks conversationally to Niall.

"No," Louis interrupts stubbornly, "Because that never happened." Niall cackles.

"I can't remember. Was it different than that time that girl leaned in to kiss him and he threw up on her shoe?"

"Oh my god, none of this is fair. You both are sloppy drunks too, let's tell your stories."

Zayn arches an eyebrow at him.

"Go on then," he challenges. Louis scratches his head.

"No wait, now you're putting me on the spot, that's not fair either - "

Niall's trying to cover her laughter with a hand, the other hand circling Zayn's wrist loosely.

"That's because whenever we're trashed, you're worse," she tells him between giggles. Louis leans over Zayn to muss up her hair. "It hasn't been the three of us in awhile," she says then, voice quieter, and Louis tucks a strand of hair behind her ear, leans forward to get a good look at her.

"Everything's ok right Ni?" he asks cautiously after a moment. Niall smiles at him.

"No, I just. I love you both a lot you know."

Zayn gathers her close, kisses the side of her head and Louis grins at her.

"We love you too, Nialler," Zayn tells her.

"We'd be lost without you," Louis says matter-of-factly, and Zayn nods his agreement in earnest. Niall smirks at them.

"Oh, I know," she tells them solemnly. "I definitely know."

And then the van pulls to a halt and the driver turns around to give them a friendly wave.

"Can you manage?" he asks Zayn. Zayn nods hesitantly, feels Louis and Niall grip his elbows strongly to help him to his feet.

"You ready?" Louis murmurs, eyes searching his. Zayn nods.

"God, yes."

\--

The doctor is a pretty lady with blonde curls and an accent Zayn isn't really used to hearing and she talks a lot, but Zayn's really too busy staring at the way his toes wiggle and the pale wrinkles of his foot to really focus on her words.

Niall clears her throat, warm hand resting lightly on Zayn's shoulder.

"Zayn," she coaxes him out of his reverie until he looks up at her, "the doctor wants to give you some instructions now yeah? Try and pay attention?" Zayn nods, turns to the doctor in front of him who smiles encouragingly.

"Alright, I'm going to give you a few very simple stretches to do on your own time whenever you're feeling sore or have a spare minute. They'll help your knee and hip adjust to the increase of weight and strain ok?" Zayn nods. "I'm also giving you some low dosage pain meds that'll help with aches you'll feel in the beginning. Your fracture was a clean one, so I really don't foresee any complications in the future, but just to be sure, please go easy the first few days." Zayn nods again. "And these are your friends here? They go to college with you?"

"We're his family," Louis tells the doctor, voice hoarse. Zayn shoots him a concerned look, almost misses the small smile that plays at the doctor's lips.

"Alright then. I'm going to need something from you two as well. Zayn will want to walk with a sort of limp for the next few days, favoring his good leg over his bad one. Whenever you see him do that you have my permission to hit him on the head," she says.

"Wicked," Niall plays along good-naturedly.

"You don't know what you've unleashed," Zayn smiles at her and the doctor laughs a small laugh before looking seriously at him.

"Zayn, honey, I read your file. I want to be frank with you. The fact of the matter is, if you were admitted here originally, well. We would never have let you walk out without a psych consult." Niall's fingers tighten, "I can set you up with someone here or -"

"I'm ok, I'm fine," Zayn tells her firmly. From his left, Louis makes a small noise. His jaw is clenched tightly and his mouth is set in a line.

"I'm not sure your friends - your family," she corrects herself, "would agree." Zayn looks away. "There's no harm in talking to someone Zayn. You might be ok now, you might be ok in the next month, but if anything ever comes up," she hands him a business card, "this is the number of my good friend who works upstairs. She would be happy to help you."

Zayn watches her glance at Niall and Louis in turn, and then she turns back to him slowly.

"And Zayn? It's not uncommon for victims of abuse to feel worthless, broken, undeserving. It's normal, but it couldn't be farther from the truth, make sure you remember that." She pats his knee gently, gets up to give him space. On his right, Niall turns away from him, but Zayn can still see her swipe at her cheeks. His stomach clenches and he swallows past the lump in his throat, "Come on then," the doctor continues after a moment, smiling warmly at him, "up and at em!" 

He gets up gingerly, hesitant to put weight on his leg, but with the doctor's encouraging smile he leans into it, relief taking over when it feels solid beneath him.

"Thank _god,_ " he says hoarsely. Louis comes to rest his hand in the small of Zayn's back and his forehead in Zayn's hair.

"You're welcome," Louis deadpans into his ear after a moment, voice deep and melodramatic. Zayn bursts into laughter.

\--

"What're you two so cheery about" Zayn asks, bewildered. He'd opened the door of their suite to find Harry and Niall taking up the entire doorframe, grinning wildly at him. Louis comes up behind Zayn to make silly faces at the pair over Zayn's shoulder and Niall pulls out two dutches, holds them in a vee with one hand, the smirk in her eyes reflected in the tilt of Harry's mouth.

"Christ, get in here," Zayn says hurriedly, checking the halls after them to make sure the RA's not out and about. Niall and Harry are laughing.

"Tonight, we are _celebrating_ ," Louis says, coming to pull Zayn close by the string of his hoodie, a gleam in his eye that spells mischief. Zayn feels himself return the grin, almost on instinct, slow and steady.

"It's the good stuff," Niall says, "One for you," she hands him one, "and one for us." Zayn's eyes widen. Well alright, this could be fun.

"Are we going to the attic? Where's Liam?" the three of them exchange glances.

"Liam had another idea about how to celebrate. We convinced him to wait until tomorrow," Harry tells him.

"Alright," Zayn says slowly, forehead still creased in confusion.

"And tonight we won't be going to the attic," Niall informs him, smirking at Louis.

"Ah yes," Louis loops an arm around Harry, tugs him closer for a kiss. "Tonight, we walk."

\--

They walk down into the depth of Riverside Park, deserted at this hour, shadows cast by skinny trees and vacant benches and a freeway that sounds like the sea. Below them the Hudson River winds it's way along the skyline, so pretty but only in cover of night. Their path is lined with streetlamps that seem to burn brighter and more out of control with every inhalation of toke. And they go on and on, these streetlights, ending at a point forever away. Forever point, Zayn thinks. He watches the way Louis and Harry smoke together, arms intertwined, taking steps that are out of sync and mismatched yet equidistant. They stop every few paces so that Louis can blow sweet smoke into Harry's mouth with every drag, so that between them nothing is wasted. They'll make it to forever point, Zayn thinks.

He takes his own drag, crosses his eyes to watch the embers burn. Niall bumps into him then, and he almost chokes but instead he cups her chin firmly, brings her open mouth to his and exhales. She lets most of the smoke go on a giggle, eyes half lidded and high when they pull away. She tucks her hand in his, laces their fingers together and tugs him to an edge where they can look out into darkness, blank canvas for their own images.

"I see home," she whispers into his shoulder, "Green landscapes and football fields and the studio where I danced."

"I can see," he stumbles over his words, waits for his thoughts to slow and center, "Liam," he says finally, "and that stupid smile of his." Niall laughs, high and bright, bumping elbows with him in simple comradeship, like she can see him too.

"Hey," pouts Harry coming round his other side, "I want laughs too."

"We're watching Liam," Niall informs him. "He's smiling."

"Ok," Harry agrees, turning to watch too. Louis comes up behind Harry, wraps arms around his waist and leans a chin on his elbow, changes the picture.

"I can see an end," he tells them, "that kind of looks like a beginning? School diplomas and shared apartments and Zayn never doing laundry and Harry making the breakfast omelettes."

"Oh god," groans Harry, wrinkling his nose, "Louis -" he whines. Louis kisses his neck _what'd i do?_

"Food," Niall declares, "Right now."

Harry nods his agreement.

"Fuck, what I'd do for an omelet right now," he moans, turning in Louis' arms to kiss him on the mouth _this is all your fault._

"Cookie dough, and potato chips, and fuck, vanilla milkshakes, please," Niall says.

"Pass the dutch," Louis whines, "You're babysitting." Zayn watches the tricky exchange of the almost roach between clumsy fingers, the hiss of Louis' breath setting Zayn on edge. He takes another drag of his own, paranoia turning him to watch the road, double check for any lone dog walkers or lost cops. It's like a crack in his vision, what Louis said about their future, and he sees it plain as day down the path lined with street lamps, a crack that cuts through. And he sucks in a breath with the feelings that rush at him, make him lose his footing.

And just like that, Louis's there, steadying him with a hand in the vee of his shoulders.

"You alright?" he murmurs, head tilted up to stare straight into Zayn's eyes. Zayn tries to slide a mask in place but it's translucent and he knows Louis isn't fooled. "I'm sorry, Zayn," Louis breathes out in a rush. "With the Varsity Show and then Harry I -. I've just been wrapped up in my own shit, haven't I? Fuck, I'm a dick."

Zayn stares at him.

"I think we've all been pretty wrapped up in your shit," he says and fuck that's really not what he meant to say but his thoughts are moving so fast. Louis bites his lip.

"Are you alright?" he asks. Zayn looks up behind him to where Harry and Niall have laid out on the grass. It's just the two of them. It's just Louis. Zayn takes a deep breath.

"I dunno," he says. And suddenly he's grateful for the buzz, makes it easy to be honest. "George is. He's so far at the edge of my thoughts and I'm happy about it, I'm so fucking thrilled about it but it also scares the shit out of me because I know exactly who I have to thank." Louis is smiling at him.

"You said his name, without stuttering or like, hesitation," Louis is fucking _beaming_ at him. Like a kid on Christmas. Did he not just hear anything Zayn's said. "I could kiss Liam." And. Oh. Zayn rolls his eyes.

"If you weren't with Harry, I'd almost think that was a good idea," Zayn mutters. Louis' eyes widen and then he shakes his head.

"No. No, Zayn. C'mon. We're not. We're not doing this again," there's frustration, plain as day on his face, and Zayn takes a step away, narrowing his eyes darkly. Louis swears under his breath. "Tell me you don't like him Zayn. Tell me it's not killing you to keep him at arm's length."

"I - I don't keep him at arm's length," Zayn mumbles, and it's true. He's gotten weak about it, self-indulgent. 

"You're. Listen, here's an idea. Tell him how you feel, and then let _him_ decide what he deserves. Isn't that fair?" But Zayn is already shaking his head.

"You don't see it, Lou -"

"Right, because I only see the way he looks at you like you're the fucking queen of England."

"I see the way he looks at me, alright," Zayn snaps, "I get it, ok? I'm beautiful and tragic and he wants to mend me or whatever, I dunno. But trust me, Louis. He doesn't know what he's getting himself into and if he did know he wouldn't want me. I'm doing him a favor."

Louis blinks up at him, the look he shoots him almost causes Zayn physical pain. If looks can kill, isn't that the saying?

"What about you then?" Louis asks quietly, resigned almost. "I see the way look at him too. You want him, Zayn, I know you do."

And Zayn can't lie, not to Louis. It's infuriating.

"Yeah," he breathes out. "But I'll manage. He's just. He's Liam, you know? It's hard for me to stay away." Louis's regarding him with an unreadable expression when Zayn looks up at him again. "What?"

"Nothing. I just. I can tell. You've spent, what, two nights in his bed in one week?"

Zayn blushes. Shit, he's let this get way out of hand.

"I'm being selfish, I know, I just. I can't say no to him and I can't stay away and. Fuck. It's such a mess isn't it? I've been trying to pretend it isn't, but it is," he says despairingly. Louis pulls him into an unexpected hug then, hand pressing fingerprints into the back of his neck.

"You're breaking his heart, you know," Louis whispers fiercely. Zayn stiffens, squeezes his eyes shut. "You're breaking his heart and you're breaking yours too, and. It's stupid because you both make each other so happy." Zayn can't say anything to that and instead he wraps his arms around Louis tightly, lets himself be held for a moment.

In like a second he's surrounded by two more bodies, warm and firm behind and around him and over him.

"Group hug," giggles Niall delightedly, trying to squeeze her way in between Louis and Zayn. She sticks her hands in the pockets of Louis' sweater, pushes up into his frame. "Sing for us," she demands. He looks at her, amusement bleeding into the serious expression he has for Zayn.

"What do you want to hear?"

"Wait, can we go to the attic?" Harry asks excitedly, eyes wild, "We haven't made music together in ages."

"We can't go to the attic without Liam," Niall says firmly. Harry shrugs.

"We could call him. He's up, he was texting me like twenty minutes ago. C'mon, Lou," he wheedles, "It'll be fun."

"I'm um," Zayn starts, swallowing around the lump in his throat. "I'm actually going to head home," he says, avoids Niall's crestfallen look. "I'm exhausted you know. Long day."

"I'm going to go with you, actually," Louis speaks up, cups Harry's face to bring him down for a quick kiss. "You don't mind Haz, right?" Harry smiles warmly at him.

"Ugh you're leaving me alone with this one?" Harry whines, looping an arm around Niall and stealing her away from Louis.

"Let's go for milkshakes, Haz," she says, eyes bright. Harry laughs, lets himself be tugged along, shooting Louis and Zayn a warm glance over his shoulder.

"C'mon," Louis says, lacing their fingers together and leading Zayn back to Columbia. Zayn bites his lip, mutters a curse under his breath, and lights a cigarette, swallowing the first inhale almost desperately. Louis doesn't say anything for awhile, just lets him be with his thoughts, and that's almost worse, and Zayn thinks Louis knows that. Fuck him, though, really.

"So," Louis starts eventually, apparently having decided to take pity on him, "What are you going to do?"

Zayn sighs.

"Dunno. You're right, I have to -" he takes a deep breath, "I have to give him some space, let him move on," he lets out a small, sad laugh, "Let myself move on." Louis doesn't say anything but the tension rolls off him in waves.

"You have that thing tomorrow though," he says finally. Zayn furrows his brow.

"What thing?"

"Your celebration, the one Liam planned. Don't bail, he's so stoked about it Zayner. Just. Have this one night with him, and then, you can. Do what you think you need to do," there's a pained expression on his face, like he doesn't agree with a word he's saying but he doesn't argue with Zayn, doesn't try and change his mind, just asks this one thing of him. Zayn sighs again.

"Yeah, alright. That could be good, too, yeah? Closure and all that." They've reached their building by now and they flash IDs for the guard and wait for the elevator. Louis fidgets, opens and closes his mouth a few times but each time he decides the better of it, until finally he gives up with the internal argument that Zayn knows he's having with himself, just rests his head against Zayn's shoulder.

"M'sleepy," he says quietly.

"Weed coma," Zayn affirms, enjoying the way his limbs feel heavy. They collapse together into Zayn's bed, and Zayn utters a silent thanks for the like twenty fifth time that day for how easy again to do something as simple as tug his trousers off. Louis tangles himself up in him, and Zayn lets him, even though his body is too warm and his stubble too scratchy.

"Good night Zayner," is the last thing Louis mumbles before he's fast asleep, breathing hot breath into Zayn's ear and pressing cold feet to Zayn's shin.

\--


	7. Chapter 7

They're allowed to sleep as long as they want today. Apparently that means until Harry comes poking into their room.

"Hey, you two, wake up," he says, sitting on the edge of the bed and poking at Louis' shoulder. Louis turns and grunts at him and Zayn takes the opportunity to steal back the covers.

"Time is it?" Louis mutters.

"Like, a little after four," Harry laughs.

"C'mere," Louis says, reaching with a heavy hand to pull Harry into bed. There's no room but they make it work, tucked into each other like peas in a pod or something equally ridiculous. Zayn's got his arms draped around Louis' waist and Louis' got his face pressed into Harry's chest and Harry interlaces Zayn's hands where they rest on Louis' hip and kisses Louis on the forehead.

"You both are ridiculous," he tells them, and Zayn hears the chuckle in his voice and wonders idly what it's like to wake up to that every morning.

"Shh," Louis murmurs, tilting his chin up to kiss Harry and Zayn lets his body drift back to sleep until he hears the kisses become deeper.

"M'still here, " he reminds them helpfully. Harry laughs a little breathlessly into Louis' mouth and turns their kisses chaste, bringing Louis back from the brink of arousal.

"Love you," Louis mumbles sleepily, tucking himself into Harry once more. Zayn's eyes fly open quick enough to see the way those two words make Harry light up like the fucking sun, dimples set deep.

\--

"Oh my god, please say you all have clothes under there," Niall exclaims when she barges in, voice high with incredulity. Harry grunts a little.

"Zayn's not wearing trousers, can feel his hairy legs," he mumbles.

"Hey, this is my bed," Zayn throws out, too sleepy to sound indignant. Niall throws her head back and laughs.

"Oh my god," she repeats, toeing off her shoes and jumping into bed to press her cold feet to Zayn's where they hang outside the blanket.

"We should start locking our door," Zayn grumbles, shifting to move away from the cold. "Fuck Ni, your feet are like ice." She just giggles a little, settles in on top of Louis over the blankets and pillows her head in her arms over his chest.

"What're you doing here," Louis mumbles, not opening his eyes.

"Uh, it's five thirty? Liam's instructed us to help Zayn figure out what to wear for tonight?" she reminds them sternly. Zayn bolts upright, nearly dislodging Harry,"Wait, have the three of you actually not gotten out of bed yet?"

"Fuck. Liam. I'm not sure this is such a good idea," Zayn tries, watching as Niall pulls herself off the bed gracefully, starts heading towards his closet to rummage through it. "Maybe I should -"

She whirls around, hair flying.

"Maybe you should what? Cancel?" she arches an eyebrow disdainfully, "He's not a _child_ Zayn, he's a big boy, he can take care of himself. He knows what he wants and he knows what you want and he's made his choice to spend time with you and you have no business trying to _protect_ him or whatever fuckall idea you've got going on in your head." Zayn stares at her, swallows.

"Marry me," Harry turns to face her.

"Me too," Louis seconds, tucking his chin in Harry's neck. Niall spares them an eye roll before turning back to Zayn.

"If you don't like spending time with him, if he makes you angry or upset, if you think he's pressuring you into something you don't want, go ahead, cancel on him. But otherwise Zayn? Just bloody _go_ , enjoy yourself for once, ok? Believe it or not, you deserve at least that."

Zayn heaves a heavy sigh. She's right, of course. And he did tell Louis he'd do this one thing. If it turns out badly, there's always tomorrow, right?

"What have you got for me then?"

Niall grants him a small satisfied smile and Harry lets out a cheer which turns into a giggle fast as Louis rolls him over forcefully.

"You two sort that, Harry and I will just. Don't mind us we'll be here -" he leans in to kiss Harry, cupping the back of his neck and pulling him close.

Zayn throws a pillow at them as he leaves bed.

"This," Niall says, pulling out a navy blue blazer that -

"That's not mine though," he turns confusedly to the pair on the bed and Louis leans up a bit to take a look.

"S'Harry's," he tells him matter-of-factly. Zayn raises an eyebrow.

"How are your boyfriend's clothes ending up in my closet?" Louis gives a horizontal shrug.

"You tell me. You two going at it behind my back then?" he asks, tickling Harry. Harry squirms and giggles.

"Don't start with me Tomlinson, I've got like a foot on you and my hands were made for tickling."

"Oh yeah?" Louis quirks an eyebrow, his voice goes low, "I thought they were made for something else -" Harry groans with the rest of the room.

"Oh my god, Lou," he mutters, "Shut up."

"No?" Louis asks innocently, "I seem to recall a moment not too long ago where there was some bragging going on about -"

"Oh my god," Harry repeats, pulling the blankets up over his face. Niall cackles.

"You two are perfect," she says sweetly. Harry groans again, only peeking out of the blankets to look at Zayn.

"Wear it," he says, "It'll look good on you."

"Everything looks good on Zayn and his cheek bones," Louis affirms, kissing the part of Harry's forehead that sticks out from under the covers as a way of apology. Harry pulls him down for a real kiss, eyes smiling. 

"Shut up," Zayn mumbles, turning his attention back to Niall. She stuffs a pair of jeans, plain white shirt and Harry's blazer into him with an amused smile.

"Try these," she orders. Zayn fumbles a bit under her gaze, but manages to tug on his jeans. When he has to remove his shirt he looks up at Niall, fingers playing with the edge of the tee, eyes questioning.

"Go on," she coaxes, voice soft. She averts her eyes when he tugs the shirt off, biting her lip to keep a reaction from escaping, but Zayn hears a sharp intake of breath from behind him.

"Sorry," he says to Harry without turning, tugging on the new shirt as fast as he can.

"Don't fucking _apologize_ , Zayn, christ," Harry tells him fiercely. Niall helps him shrug on the blazer and then he eyes himself in the mirror, adjusting the lapels.

"Thanks, yeah? For this," he says to Harry by way of reconciliation. Harry just nods and Zayn knows they're square. He turns back to the mirror, studies himself. He looks good, if he's being honest with himself. Harry's blazer hangs off him a little bit but it suits him still and Niall's chosen his favorite pair of jeans, of course she has. He runs his hands through his hair to straighten his quiff, allows himself a small satisfied smile.

Niall moves in front of him, pulls his chains out over his shirt.

"You're gonna have a really good time tonight," she says confidently, fidgeting with the hem of his blazer. Zayn cups her hand. _thanks, i love you._ From the bed, Louis stands up, moves to the fridge and then to the cupboard and then places a shot glass and a bottle of rum on the table.

"Liquid courage?" he asks, and for once he's not taking the piss.

"Yeah, yeah, let me just.brush my teeth."

"Brush after," Harry suggests. Zayn nods, downs the two shots Louis pours for him with a wince and a whine, taking Niall's proffered glass of water. Not the ideal chaser, but it'll do.

He brushes his teeth with the bathroom door open, and over the sound of the running water he can just make out the concerned murmurs of his three best friends.

By the time Liam finally shows up at his door, Zayn's a proper mess. He insisted on taking one more shot that Louis poured him hesitantly and now he's anxious buzzed, energy filled and unable to sit still.

The sight of Liam stops him short though. He's smiling through the door frame at the four of them, his cheeks coloring when Niall lets out a low whistle.

"Damn, I didn't think you owned a pair of trousers that weren't Columbia sweats, Li, but you clean up nice," Louis remarks almost casually, almost. Liam just grins at him.

"Thanks Lou. You ready to go?" he asks Zayn. Zayn manages to use the small amount brain cells that haven't short circuited to string together a few coherent thoughts. One, Liam looks _really_ good in all black. Two, Liam has really nice collarbones. Three, he is fucked.

"I uh yeah," Zayn manages, making to head straight out the door. Niall tuts.

"Shoes, Zayn?" she reminds him. Zayn blushes. It takes him way too long to toe on a pair of shoes. He makes to leave again but Louis holds out a hand to stop him.

"Wallet?" he asks.

"Fuck," Zayn curses, fumbling around to find it. Liam's laughing at him heartily.

"Don't tease him Haz," Liam giggles. Zayn turns to find Harry's holding up his wallet for him.

"Got it," Harry says innocently from where he'd fished out Zayn's trousers from yesterday. He slides it into Zayn's back pocket and gives his bum a friendly encouraging pat. "Go on you two, have fun."

"Don't bring my baby home too late," Louis says sternly, eyes dancing. Liam offers him a small salute and encloses Zayn's wrist with a warm hand.

"C'mon, Zayn," he smiles excitedly, "Let's get out of here."

In the elevator Zayn gets a chance to take him in quietly and uninterrupted. He's wearing a black dress shirt that's tight around his shoulders and unbuttoned so that the lines of his collarbones carve a path to his neck as well as black fitted trousers and black shoes. He's rolled up his sleeves over the muscle of his forearms and he looks. Really good. When he looks back up at Liam, Liam's giving him a small amused smile.

"Do I pass then?" he asks with a chuckle. Zayn swallows. _Pass_ is probably the biggest understatement of Zayn's existence at the moment.

"We must be going some place fancy," Zayn says out loud. Liam nods.

""ve put on my Sunday best for you," he says solemnly, giggling after only a moment. "You're going to love it," he assures him earnestly, and yeah, that last shot was definitely a bad idea.

"Thanks for um. Thanks for taking me out."

Liam shrugs almost bashfully, shoves into him gently.

"We needed to celebrate this," he pauses, looks down at the ground where they're footsteps align. " _I_ needed to celebrate this." He glances up at Zayn out of the corner of his eye, "So how was last night then? I watched Niall pick up a _lot_ of bud so it must have been brilliant."

"Yeah, yeah, it was really good," Zayn says. "But we missed you," he confesses, biting his lip when Liam breaks into a smile, all previous melancholia gone.

"Yeah sorry about that. You know Aiden from the team yeah? He turned twenty one last night so it was a big thing, you know."

"Right yeah, did you get plastered then?"

"Yeah, I had a good time," Liam shrugs, "I wasn't nearly as bad as Aids though. He was making out with Matt for about a minute before he realized that wasn't his girl friend."

Zayn throws his head back with laughter, can imagine perfectly the look on Aiden's face.

"That is an _awful_ nickname, Liam," Zayn says between snorts.

"What? Aids?" He grins a bit wickedly, couples it with an innocent shrug, "I had nothing to do with it."

They turn right on Broadway, make their way uptown past Barnard campus and NoCo library and the last of Columbia's reach into Harlem, and then they're past the bridge, lights from the traffic posts fading into the signs of dingy bars.

"So where are you taking me?" Zayn asks, Liam just hums, nudges him with a shoulder again.

"You'll see soon enough."

They arrive finally outside a small empty looking restaurant, the sign _El Porton_ , missing one O and one T. Liam shoots Zayn an excited grin and after a skeptical glance at his surroundings, Zayn follows his friend inside. The interior is no more appealing. There are a few tables spread unevenly throughout, and a bar where one lone lady sits with the books, long skirt twisted up in the cross of her legs.

Liam's practically bouncing on the balls of his feet and Zayn's starting to think he might still be drunk from last night when the lady looks up and her face splits into a grin.

" _Ai dios mio, Liam, ¿eres tu, por verdad?_ " She slides gracefully off the chair and moves quickly to him, drawing Liam in to kiss both his cheeks and ruffle up his hair. " _Pero, Liam, ¿cuanto tiempo? ¿No nos olvidaste?_ " her voice has turned stern and Zayn can't understand what she's saying but she's got a hand on her hip and a contrasting warm smile.

" _Nunca_ ," Liam says firmly, keeping a hand on her waist. " _¿Como podría? ¿Y Carolina?_ "

" _Alla, en la cocina. Carolina_ ," she calls, cupping her hands to her mouth, " _¡Ven aqui! Mira quien esta._ "

A beautiful girl around Liam's height emerges from the kitchen, sleeves rolled up to her elbows, long hair folded into a braid, and eyes wide. When she sees Liam she runs, launching herself into him, and he catches her easily, despite her height.

" _Liam_ " she sings, accent thick and settled around his name. " _Lindo, ¿que lo que? _"__

__" _Nada, todo bien,_ " Liam responds with a wave of his hand, " _¿Y tu? ¿Que pases todo bonito?_ "_ _

__She nods warmly at him, stepping back to inspect him further, and then her sharp gaze turns to Zayn._ _

__"Who is your friend?" she switches to a careful English, and the woman beside her starts, as if only now realizing Zayn's presence._ _

__"Oh, right, sorry. This is my friend Zayn. Zayn, this is Carolina, and her mother Christina." Carolina leans forward to kiss both his cheeks swiftly and then so does Christina, swiping at the stain of lipstick she leaves behind with a skinny finger._ _

__"Well, make yourself at home. Any friend of Liam's is a friend of ours," Carolina says, pulling out a chair at a table by the window, secluded from the rest of the place by a pole decorated with flags from what Zayn can only assume are Latin American countries._ _

__"You remember," Liam exclaims, eyes alight._ _

__"Where you used to sit and throw peanuts at me when I wasn't looking? How could I forget," Carolina remarks drily. Zayn snorts helplessly at the mental image and Carolina shoots him a bemused smile. "I hope you're not saddling me with another troublemaker," she scolds. Liam lifts one shoulder._ _

__"He takes awhile to warm up so you have some peace left."_ _

__Zayn opens his mouth to protest but Liam's already tugging him to the table, a stage whispered, "You're _my_ friend so you're on _my side_ , Zayn, come on," hot at his neck._ _

__"I always make myself a promise that I'm not going to let you surprise me again, and then you manage to outdo yourself every time, Li, bloody hell," Zayn stares with disbelief at Liam from across their table and Liam turns smug._ _

__"Told you, Malik, I've still got -"_ _

__"Some secrets, yeah," Zayn shakes his head. "Ok, so spill." For all the smirk Liam's got in his eyes, he shrugs a meager shrug._ _

__"There's nothing to tell. I came here freshman year still caught up in my life back in Florida. I was homesick, and I stumbled across this place, and well. It reminds me of home. I started showing up here so often they had no choice but to get to know me. It's like," he shrugs again, embarrassed, "like a piece of home, I guess."_ _

__Zayn nods seriously._ _

__"Guess that's what Louis is for me," he says slowly._ _

__"Have you known him your whole life?" Liam asks._ _

__"Since I can remember, yeah."_ _

__"How did you meet?"_ _

__Zayn chuckles._ _

__"I don't even remember, honestly. Probably in like, first year at grade school. And probably because he got me into trouble or something. Both our families used to live on the outskirts of Doncaster, so we grew up going to the same schools and all that. When my family moved out to Bradford, Louis' mum let me stay on with him and finish my A-levels."_ _

__"And then you ended up here," Liam finishes._ _

__"And then we ended up here," Zayn agrees. "Actually, I've no idea how you talked me into ending up here, exactly," Zayn says, glancing around the room idly, and grinning when Liam rolls his eyes._ _

__"You'll _see_ ," Liam scolds. "Patience."_ _

__Carolina comes back with a pitcher of sangria and a plate of nachos and dip._ _

__"Are you two ready to order?" she asks politely. Zayn glances down at his forgotten menu and then back up at Liam._ _

__"He'll have what I'm having," Liam says, "Which is the usual," he adds, before Carolina can open her mouth._ _

__"You're so boring," she says affectionately, clearing away their menus and pouring them each a drink._ _

__"This is new," Liam comments, eyeing the drink almost suspiciously and Carolina laughs._ _

__"Boring creature of habit you are," she says, scratching the back of his head, "Go on, Liam, it's good."_ _

__"Sangria isn't even from Latin America though," he protests._ _

__"It's good for business, just _drink_ ," Carolina says, watching with arms crossed as he takes a sip, closing his eyes to savor the taste._ _

__"Oh wow. Yeah, alright, this is amazing. Go on Zayn, try it," Liam encourages. Zayn eyes his drink warily, knows he should have all his wits about him tonight, the way Liam's looking at him with sparkling eyes and wine stained lips._ _

__On second thought, maybe it's better if he does have a drink. Or five. He takes a sip, lets the rich red wine unfurl over his tongue, made tart by fresh fruit._ _

__"Damn," he says. He takes another sip. "That's really good, thanks, Carolina," he says, smiling brilliantly at her._ _

__"I like him better than you, he's charming," she proclaims to Liam, grinning back at Zayn with a wink. Across the table Liam mutters something about stupid boys and stupid accents._ _

__"Shouldn't you be getting us our food?" he whines. Carolina turns reluctantly away from where she's leaning on Zayn's chair to scowl at Liam._ _

__"Yessir," she stomps off and when she's gone Zayn shoots Liam an innocent grin, nudges him lightly under the table with a foot._ _

__"So how'd you learn Spanish?" Zayn asks him when he's got Liam smiling begrudgingly at him. Liam shrugs._ _

__"My nurse used to speak to me in Spanish sometimes and when I was younger she'd take me all over with her and all her friends spoke Spanish so, I dunno, I just sort of picked it up? Char can speak it too."_ _

__"I'm impressed. Unsurprised, but impressed," Zayn quips and Liam blushes._ _

__"Shut up," he mumbles, nudging Zayn back._ _

__Zayn's about three glasses in when Carolina comes back with a plate of fried plaintains and he knows he's had too much when Liam makes a noise of protest at the amount of oil and _Like you have anything to worry about, Li_ trips out of his mouth._ _

__Liam just smiles but Zayn catches the way his eyes darken, the way his tongue darts out to lick his lips. Carolina, thankfully, doesn't comment and Zayn grabs at a slice, folds it into his mouth clumsily._ _

__"Fuck, these are so good," Zayn says, and they are, crunchy and soft in a way that melts on his tongue and fills his mouth with cinnamon sweet. Carolina gives a satisfied smirk, moves away to attend to another table._ _

__And that's when Zayn notices the place has filled up._ _

__"Holy shit, where'd all these people come from?" he asks, genuinely bewildered. How long had they been sitting here?_ _

__Liam checks his watch and then looks back up at Zayn with a glint in his eye._ _

__"Not much longer now," he says, and as if on cue, music blares and Zayn starts, head snapping towards the source of the noise. A space has been cleared in the far end of the restaurant and people are getting up, couples are heading towards the dance floor, until it's coming to life with hips and interlaced fingers and slotted thighs. Zayn turns back to Liam with wide eyes._ _

__"You - " is all he manages._ _

__"You wanted to see me dance, didn't you?" and Liam's blushing a little, and smirking a lot, the bastard._ _

__"Fuck."_ _

__"Not exactly, but close," Liam agrees casually. Zayn wants to. Fuck. He closes his eyes, prays the small sound he just made was all in his head. When he opens his eyes, Liam's looking away, searching the crowd for something and Zayn takes a deep breath, tries to fit back into his skin._ _

__Carolina reappears at their table suddenly and Liam stands, offers her the crook of his arm, which she takes, giggling slightly and pressing a kiss to his cheek._ _

__"Do you want to watch from the bar?" Carolina asks knowingly, and Zayn gives a shaky nod, allows himself a moment to focus on standing straight up._ _

__They make their way into the throng of people and Carolina leans into whisper in his ear._ _

__"This is called bachata," she tells him, "Hear the music?" she pressed the beat into Zayn's shoulder with dancing fingers, "It's a four step style, really easy to learn." And then Liam's pulling Carolina into him, parting her legs with a knee and tipping his whole body into the step. He dances like he thoroughly enjoys it, head dipped in close, smile bright and clear. He whispers something to Carolina and she laughs, head thrown back so that Zayn can follow the line of her neck. She's moving easily with Liam, lets him twirl her out and move her whichever way he pleases and Zayn has never wanted so badly to be someone the way he wants to be Carolina at the moment._ _

__"Go on then," someone whispers in his ear suddenly when the music changes and the beat slows up. Zayn turns slowly, hardly able to tear his eyes away from the way Liam dips back into the rhythm of it, adjusts his limbs to the slower tempo, "My daughter can find someone else to dance with," Christina says, and she's smiling, features softened by the hazy light of the dance floor, "Go on," she encourages, and Zayn thinks she's the wisest person in the world, until she turns, abruptly, disappears into the crowd._ _

__Zayn looks back up to see Liam and Carolina making their way towards him and when he's close enough, Zayn tugs him forward by his belt loop, stumbling into him under the weight of the liquor._ _

__"Teach me," he breathes out and he feels Liam's intake of breath against his neck, hears the shallow moan against his ear._ _

__"Fuck. Yeah, yeah, ok," Liam groans, drags him forward to interlace their fingers. He guides Zayn's hand to his waist and brings their bodies flush together, until Zayn can feel the length of Liam's thick cock press up against his thigh. Zayn's feet are moving with Liam's, because there's no space to move otherwise, and Zayn pushes his thigh closer, takes pride in Liam's whimper._ _

__"Shit, shit, sorry, I'm sorry," Liam chants out, hiding embarrassment the crook of Zayn's neck even as he thrusts into Zayn's leg and Zayn shakes his head, nips at Liam's ear until Liam's detangling their fingers to yank his chin up and bring his lips crashing to Zayn's._ _

__It's hungry, their first kiss, and messy and rough and it drives Zayn completely insane. Liam's abandoned all pretenses of dancing and he wraps both hands around Zayn's waist, sneaking fingers under his t-shirt to drag nails along the grooves of his hips. Zayn hisses, bites hard at Liam's lower lip in retaliation, his dick filling up so fast it leaves him dizzy._ _

__And just like that Liam's pulling away abruptly._ _

__"We should go," Liam says, and he's looking studiously at his hands, hands that were just pressing heat into Zayn's skin._ _

__"Liam - " he protests, can't think about anything but _want_. "Please, Li, I - "_ _

__"I can't, Zayn," Liam whispers. He looks up finally and Zayn is caught, can't hear anything but the blood in his ears and the anguish in Liam's voice, "Not like this. You'll ruin me, Zayn. I _can't_."_ _

__He leaves him in the middle of the dance floor and suddenly the world comes rushing back to Zayn, the music loud and the couples giddy and Zayn is stuck there, unmoving with the burden of the exchange. He makes his way out in a trance, realizes that their table is empty and their meal's been paid for, so he grabs his blazer off the back of his chair and pushes his way outside._ _

__It's warm out and Zayn wishes it wasn't, wishes it was cold air that might have shocked him out of drunkeness, given him back some kind of pretense of actual thought._ _

__Liam's waiting for him, leaning heavily against the wall, eyelids heavy. He smiles hesitantly but Zayn can only offer a twisted grimace in return. His blood's running too hot in his veins and his skin feels tight over strained sinews. He takes a deep breath and orders his feet forward, the alcohol reducing him to fuzzy thoughts and clumsy gait._ _

__After a moment, he hears Liam follow._ _

__This isn't how he wanted tonight to go, he thinks. He wanted them to have a good time, a _safe_ time, with no intimate lighting and only very few friendly pats on the back or something. He wanted them to part ways under the lights of Low Library with not so much as a handshake, even and simple, a goodbye of sorts so that Zayn could move on, regain his footing again. He -_ _

__(They brush up against each other briefly as one of their paths curves and Zayn looks up to see Liam's looking anxiously at him, lower lip between his teeth.)_ _

__- _wants_ to tug at that lower lip until it's swollen, ease the ache with a swipe of tongue. He wants to be on his knees for Liam, get off to the feeling of Liam fucking his mouth, biting down hard on his lip to keep quiet. He wants Liam to fuck him, lips swollen and hanging open as he pants into the crook of Zayn's neck, kisses him sloppily on the side of his head._ _

__And he can't even blame himself for what happened back at the bar, he thinks, with the confidence of a drunk man. No, there are greater men than him that couldn't resist a drunk Liam Payne dressed in all black._ _

__Zayn stumbles a bit when they reach the cobbled College walk, and he blinks until the lights of campus stops swimming before him and he can move again._ _

__"You don't have to walk me home," he slurs out, when he realizes, much too late, that that's exactly what Liam's doing._ _

__"Told Lou I'd bring you home safely, didn't I?" Liam teases softly and the words send a jolt of arousal through Zayn. Fuck but shouldn't it be Zayn taking care of Liam after everything he's done for Zayn? God knows Zayn wants to return the favor, wants to take care of him with his hands and his mouth and his teeth. Fuck. He is so drunk._ _

__"M' so drunk," he says out loud. Liam laughs at him, a gentle sort of rumbling that make Zayn want to lick him, bite at his collarbones. Collarbones that should probably stay hidden for the good of humanity._ _

__"No collarbones for you," he mumbles and Liam grips his elbow, muffles another laugh into his shoulder._ _

__"ID?" Liam prompts when they enter his dorm building. Zayn fumbles for his wallet, muttering disgruntedly._ _

__"I've got it, Liam, I'm not a _child_ ," he insists, stabbing at the call elevator button with more force than necessary._ _

__Liam's eyes turn almost predatorial._ _

__"Trust me," he says, eyes tracking up the lines of Zayn's body, "I'm aware."_ _

__The elevator door opens and Zayn backs into it, fisting a hand in Liam's shirt and tugging him along until Zayn's got his own back to the wall, and Liam's close enough that Zayn can see the way his pupils have dilated, feel the way his breath turns shallow._ _

__"Yeah?" he growls out, eyes dropping to follow Liam's tongue as it traces his lips. He moves forward to taste but Liam's got a large hand on his chest, holds him back._ _

__Zayn groans, head thudding back against the frame of the elevator._ _

__"Liam," he wrenches out, reaching for him again. When Liam doesn't let up, he switches tactics. "Is this how you'd fuck me then? Hold me down with my hands above my head?" Liam moans in response, eyes falling shut, "Get off on the fact that I was yours and there was nothing I could do about it?"_ _

__Liam leans in to nip at Zayn's lower lip, retreating too quickly for Zayn to kiss him properly._ _

__"M'gonna make you beg for it, Zayn," he tells him in a voice that is low and dangerous and curls in Zayn's stomach, "Gonna fucking take you apart, piece by piece until I won't _have_ to hold you down," he leans forward, so he can tug at Zayn's ear with his teeth, "Until you'll want nothing more than to be mine."_ _

__"Fuck," Zayn's voice breaks around the word and he's so turned on he can hardly see, but the elevator door opens again and Liam's gone. Zayn forces himself to follow, barely making it out in time._ _

__There are people in the hallway, coming in from bars with hiccups in their steps. Zayn adjusts himself in his trousers, clears his throat against curious eyes. Liam's waiting for him outside the door to his room and they pause before it, searching each other for - something._ _

__The smile on Liam's lips is sweet, almost apologetic, but there's still desire in his eyes, dark and unforgiving and in that moment Zayn realizes it's never going to back to the way it was. Not now that Zayn knows the way Liam tastes, has felt the heat of his skin. He'll never be able to stop wanting that, wanting to take Liam's clothes off, press him into worn sheets. And he wants _more_ than that, doesn't he? Wants to close the space between them in bed and tuck himself into Liam's warmth and kiss him good morning. Wants to take care of him with coffee on late nights and fond scoldings when he works too hard. Wants to meet his sister and take him back to England and touch and stare and hold and - it's probably selfish of him but - he doesn't know how to stop wanting those things, doesn't think he could ever stop wanting those things._ _

__He draws in a breath that shudders with nerves and smiles a smile that is weak with the thoughts that race through him and he doesn't even know where to begin, but he thinks Liam understands because Liam just smiles wider and he cups Zayn's face gently, presses a soft kiss to his forehead and then turns and heads back down the hallway, back home._ _

__\--_ _

__When Zayn finally pushes open his door, he finds Louis' curled up with his back to the door, asleep in his bed, and so he shucks Harry's blazer and his own jeans and slides in next to him, presses his nose into Louis' shoulder to breathe in his familiar smell._ _

__"If you need a wank, go ahead, only don't expect me to help," Louis mumbles, turning over to brush their noses together. Zayn groans in embarrassment, tries to turn away, but Louis's opened his eyes and now he fixes Zayn with a stern stare._ _

__"So?"_ _

__"So," Zayn sighs, moves further into Louis' warmth. When he replies it’s in a small voice and after a long moment, “I’m in trouble.”_ _

__"Excellent," Louis nods sideways, closing his eyes with a satisfied smile and wrapping his arms around Zayn tightly._ _

__\--_ _

__It's Sunday morning which means family brunch, as they've come to affectionately call it. Zayn wakes up with a massive headache but no nausea, thankfully. The shower's running and the other side of his bed is empty, but there's a glass of water and two ibuprofen on the bedside table that Zayn downs hurriedly before settling back into his pillow, drifting back off to sleep._ _

__The next thing he knows, he's getting a pair of sweats thrown at his face. He shoves them off grumpily and opens his eyes cautiously, anticipating a pounding in his head and sighing in relief when there isn't one._ _

__"Feeling alright then?" Louis asks, smiling when Zayn nods warily, "Liam said you were proper smashed."_ _

__"You talked to Liam?" Zayn asks, sitting up straighter. Louis just shrugs non-commitally._ _

__"He just texted to tell me to let you sleep in, on account of you were proper smashed last night." Louis's staring hard at Zayn, and then suddenly he comes forward to sit at the edge of the bed by Zayn. His hair is still wet and Zayn follows the trail of a water droplet through one of his strands. "Is everything going to be ok?" Louis asks. Zayn smiles, grateful that Louis somehow understands not to pry._ _

__"Yeah," he says, "I think so. Guess I'll just have to be really careful not to fuck it up."_ _

__"You won't, Zayn, you care too much about him," Louis says, interlacing their fingers. "And besides, Niall will surely be on your arse if you do so -"_ _

__Zayn wrinkles his nose._ _

__"Isn't she supposed to be on our side?" he asks, a bit disgruntled. "She was _our_ friend first."_ _

__"They're nicer to her than we are, mate," Louis says with a wink, "Anyway, go on, put some trousers on. We're late."_ _

__\--_ _

__On the way to John Jay, Zayn throws his arm around Louis, pulls him into his side, and Louis does a quick shuffle, aligns their footsteps._ _

__\--_ _

__The three of them are already lounging around a corner table when Zayn and Louis enter the dining hall. Zayn's stomach gives a lurch when his eyes land on Liam, dressed once more in his usual oversized sweats and worn hoodie, laying back in his chair with his head on Niall's shoulder and his eyes closed._ _

__He looks like his ordinary self and yet, Zayn's blood has already turned hot with want and the ghosts of Liam's body aligned with his and he wants to press his fingers underneath the soft fabric, leave prints in his skin._ _

__They're still far enough away that Louis can get away with a mischievously whispered _never seen you this nervous before_ and it's enough to turn Zayn determined. He approaches their table, sinks down into the seat pulled close next to Liam._ _

__"Long night, huh?" he asks nonchalantly. Liam starts, and when he sees Zayn's smirk his eyes widen and his skin flushes red._ _

__Zayn didn't think it was possible to want someone so badly._ _

__The rest of the table has erupted into snorts and giggles at Liam's reaction and in the middle of it, Liam leans in close._ _

__"Not nearly long enough," and god does he really need teeth to whisper. Zayn has to clench his hands into fists in his lap at the press of them into the curve of his neck._ _

__Liam moves away again looking smug and Zayn wants to jump him, kiss the look right off his face. Instead, he turns to the group._ _

__"Food?" he asks them. He's in the mood for bananas._ _

__\--_ _

__"So, library day today?" Harry asks the group when they've cleared away their plates._ _

__"I've got rehearsal downtown," Niall says regretfully, "Fuck me."_ _

__"I'm in," Zayn says, shooting Niall a sympathetic look. He turns to Liam hopefully, but Liam shakes his head apologetically._ _

__"Can't, Zayn, I've got a meeting with Coach Ryder and then I've got this thing with the team - " he trails off and Zayn holds back a frustrated groan. It must show on his face anyway because Liam mumbles a quiet _I'm sorry_ into the sleeve of his hoodie. Zayn shrugs, leans into him a bit._ _

__"S'okay, we'll figure it out," he says firmly, hoping Liam catches the double meaning._ _

__"Lou?" Harry asks, but Louis too shakes his head._ _

__"Can't, Haz, I've got that study group thing for Lit Hum, remember? They want to meet in Lerner."_ _

__"Rats," Harry frowns, then brightens again. "Looks like it's just me and you Zayner."_ _

__"I can hardly wait," Zayn says, slowing down his words to mimic Harry's drawl._ _

__\--_ _

__They're at the library for six bloody hours and Zayn alternates between periods of productivity and periods of pouting and it's driving him insane. He just wants to. Fuck. He just wants to sort their shit out so he can get his hands on Liam again, or just, feel the strength of his arms around him, or the fondness of his smile._ _

__He tries to focus on his reading, he does, but mostly he just ends up fidgeting agitatedly or running his hands through his hair exasperatedly until finally Harry looks up from across the narrow wooden table they're splitting._ _

__"Wow, it's really hit you hard, huh?" he asks, voice curious and sort of wondering, but not teasing in the slightest, so Zayn tries to bite back his irritation for a second._ _

__"What?"_ _

__"This thing. With Liam," he clarifies._ _

__"Yeah," Zayn says truthfully. "Yeah, it has."_ _

__"Good," Harry smiles at him kindly, "I'm really glad. I thought what you were telling yourself before was bullshit, just so you know."_ _

__Zayn swallows._ _

__"Are you sure?" he can't help but ask._ _

__"Yeah, Zayn," Harry says earnestly, leaning forward a bit and swiping back his hair, "He's happiest around you. That's what this is all about isn't it? Making each other happy. And besides. Everyone's got baggage, haven't they? You've got baggage, and he's got baggage, and Lou and I have baggage, too. The important thing is we try to be the best possible people we can be for each other, yeah?"_ _

__"Yeah," Zayn says slowly, "Yeah, you're right. Fuck, you're perfectly right, Haz I have to. Do you think he's home by now?" He checks his phone. "He must be home, right?"_ _

__Harry nods, grinning until his dimples show._ _

__"I've got to go see him. You don't mind do you?"_ _

__He's barely seen the shake of Harry's head before he's out the door, leaving all his stuff behind and eliciting a few narrowed eyed stares as he passes, bumping into tables and bags on his way._ _

__He _runs_ down College Walk, thinks back to the last time he was headed to Liam's place like this, thinks about the weight he carried with him, thinks about how much things have changed since then._ _

__He's grinning like a crazy person and completely out of breath when he reaches Liam's building. Curves into his hands on his knees to catch his breath in the elevator._ _

__When he gets to Liam's room he knocks, and then opens the door without waiting for an answer. Liam's at his desk, expression startled when he meets Zayn's eyes._ _

__"Are you doing next week's work?" he asks him. Liam shrugs sheepishly._ _

__"It's good to stay ahead -" he begins, but Zayn's crossed the room in two strides and he tugs Liam up by his thin t-shirt, one hand on the curve of his hip and the other fisted in the short hairs at the nape of his neck._ _

__"I'm gonna kiss you," he murmurs softly. He leans in, lips ghosting against Liam's, "And then we're gonna to talk about this, I promise. But first, Li, I have to -"_ _

__Liam's already pressing his lips to Zayn's though, letting out a broken moan and fisting his hands in Zayn's shirt to pull him flush against him._ _

__There's no sweetness to it, just a forceful press of tongues, a slight of teeth and Liam's whimpers, and Zayn feels the heat pool in his belly fast._ _

__"Liam," he tries, even as he presses closer, tugs at Liam's bottom lip, "We should -"_ _

__"Yeah," Liam breathes out, "Fuck. Take these off." He's sliding Zayn's sweats off, and Zayn helps him on a moan, stepping out of them and kicking them away. He fists his hands in Liam's tee and they separate briefly so Liam can tug it off with one arm._ _

__"Fuck," Zayn says with wonderment, eyes running the length of Liam's torso. Liam blushes deep and Zayn can follow the color down his chest and he traces it with his fingers, a barely there caress._ _

__Liam trembles and Zayn feels it like a jolt of arousal._ _

__"Please," Liam whimpers, keeps his hands clenched into fists at his sides, "Zayn -"_ _

__"You're fucking perfect," Zayn groans out, stepping closer to run his hands along the line of Liam's waist teasingly, enjoying the way Liam sways into him, lets his eyes flutter shut._ _

__Zayn unbuckles his belt and thumbs open his trousers and then he's sliding them off, reconnecting their lips._ _

__"Bed," he orders between kisses, pushing Liam back until his knees hit the edge and they topple. Zayn straddles Liam, allows himself a beat to take in the boy beneath him, flushed and messy and _Liam_._ _

__When Liam opens his eyes, they're dark and dilated and Zayn sucks in a breath at their intensity unwavering._ _

__"M'gonna do my best to be the person you deserve, Liam, I swear to you," he whispers fiercely, and the words take a piece of him with them that he's not sure he'll ever be able to get back and yet leave Zayn somehow more whole than before. He swallows at the shock that flickers across Liam's face, and then Liam sits up, readjusting them so Zayn's straddling his lap._ _

__He searches Zayn's eyes for a long, agonizing moment, and then, _finally_ , he leans forward to kiss him. Zayn meets him halfway with a breath of relief, and this time the kiss is sweet, little licks and hesitant pressure. Zayn draws his arms around Liam's neck, shuffles closer determinedly - and with the press of his cock against Liam's stomach the moment is lost and Liam turns firm again, heady and demanding._ _

__Liam's hands trail over Zayn's torso over his shirt, firing every neuron as they pass, even without the skin to skin contact, until they're slipping into Zayn's pants, pulling at his cock._ _

__Zayn freezes, the touch feeling foreign and strange. He breaks the kiss with a wounded noise, bats Liam's hand away._ _

__"Fuck," he chokes out._ _

__Liam goes rigid._ _

__"Did I hurt you?" he asks anxiously._ _

__"No, fuck. I just. I haven't been. I haven't been touched like that in a really long time," he forces himself to say. Liam's opening his mouth to speak again, forehead creased in confusion and Zayn pleads silently with him, desperately does not want to admit _He never bothered to touch me_ out loud._ _

__When Liam sees the look on Zayn's face his mouth snaps shut, expression clouding with anger. He shifts away slightly, puts space between them, and Zayn tries not to pay attention to the way his stomach bottoms out at the loss of contact._ _

__"Fuck, wait Li. I'm sorry, I. Please. You can. Whatever you want," he swallows against the bile rising in his throat, "Please," he whispers, and he's not even sure what he's asking for, just knows he needs the pressure of their limbs together again and it must show on his face because Liam crowds back into him with a choked noise, wrapping Zayn in strong arms and pressing kisses to the top of his head._ _

__"I'm not upset at you, ok," Liam says, and Zayn can tell he's straining to keep his voice even, "I'm just. I need a moment because I'm just so angry that - fuck," he takes a deep breath, "That you had so much less than you deserve. And I don't want this to be about that, I want this to be about us."_ _

__Zayn just shrugs his shoulders. He looks down at where Liam's interlaced their fingers and wishes suddenly that they didn't fit this well together because he's fucked this up already and it was probably an awful idea to begin with and -_ _

__"Hey, no, don't do that," Liam cups his jaw, gently forces him to look up, "This is not a bad idea, Zayn. This," he leans forward to press silly kisses to Zayn's lips, "is probably the best idea we've ever had," until Zayn is forced to give him a reluctant smile, curl in closer to him. "Let me show you Zayn," and his voice drops low and settles in Zayn's stomach and he turns their kisses hot again, "Let me show you what it's supposed to be like."_ _

__Zayn snorts._ _

__"M'not a school girl virgin, Li," but he doesn't move away, and suddenly Liam's flipping them over so effortlessly Zayn doesn't have a chance to be surprised. Zayn lands on his back with a groan that is all parts arousal again._ _

__"Know you're not," Liam murmurs, eyes dark and dilated from where he straddles Zayn. Zayn arches into him._ _

__"Bloody fucking hell," he reaches for Liam once more, but Liam snags his wrists with a large palm, tugs his hands above his head._ _

__"Let me show you. Let me take care of you," Liam repeats and Zayn doesn't know how to let him do that and so he diverts the weight of the exchange with a feeble attempt at a smirk._ _

__"So I was right then?" Zayn sidesteps him, wriggling his hands uselessly against Liam's grip. Liam flushes, leans forward to nip at Zayn's ear in retaliation._ _

__"You look so good spread out for me like this," he soothes the bite with a lick, "God do you know how hard it's been to keep my hands off you, fuck. I want to drive you crazy."_ _

__"Liam," Zayn whines breathlessly, arching into his touch, "Let me - "_ _

__"Take this off," Liam interrupts him, hand snaking down to snag at the end of his tee. Zayn's entire body goes limp and he bites his lip._ _

__"Bruises aren't exactly sexy, Liam," he says darkly, averting his gaze and willing himself not to flush._ _

__"You couldn't be anything but sexy," Liam counters firmly and Zayn rolls his eyes in embarrassment, "C'mon Zayn, wanna see you. Please?" And the way Liam's looking at him Zayn can hardly say no, not to those wide eyes or that hopeful smile, or the blur of arousal and fondness that folds Liam's features. He gives a tiny, hesitant nod and Liam lights up. He sits up, runs big hands down the length of Zayn's torso before pulling up at the ends of the shirt, waiting until Zayn lifts up to tug it over his head._ _

__When Zayn finally gathers the courage to look at Liam, there's a gentle veneration in his gaze and a shyness in the turn of his smile that steals Zayn's breath away. Liam presses a soft kiss behind Zayn's ear and Zayn shudders helplessly, whimper caught in the back of his throat._ _

__"Beautiful," Liam threads into his skin between nips and licks._ _

__"Liam -" Zayn protests feebly, not able to quite shed the shame that accompanies the way Liam's laid him out, bare and vulnerable._ _

__"You're so breathtakingly beautiful, Zayn," he kisses down Zayn's neck softly, spending time on each inch until Zayn is achingly hard and barely biting back his desperation and still, Liam doesn't let up._ _

__"Fucking gorgeous," he murmurs, mouthing the words down Zayn's chest, pausing to pull at a nipple with his teeth, soothing the sharpness with a swipe of tongue. Every touch goes straight to Zayn's cock and Zayn can't stop trembling, digs his fingers into his palm for the distraction._ _

___Sexy_ is written with teeth underneath Zayn's heart and _stunning_ is tongued where Zayn takes a breath and _alluring_ is kissed over his stomach until Zayn is writhing uncontrollably, a litany of _pleaseliampleasepleasefuck_ falling from Zayn's lips. He's not sure he can take a second more of the torture and even then, Liam doesn't stop._ _

__He presses a kiss to the flesh of Zayn's thigh as he slides down Zayn's pants. "Ravishing," he teases into Zayn's knee, and Zayn has tears in his eyes and he's not sure if they're from Liam's words or the way he sets Zayn's entire body on fire with _want_._ _

__"Can I?" Liam asks him from between his legs, intention clear in the way he licks his lips. Zayn closes his eyes and _shudders_ as desire courses through his veins. "Zayn?"_ _

__"You don't - you don't have to," Zayn gasps out, "Let me do you -"_ _

__"I want to though, Zayn," Liam murmurs, "Want to taste you, want to let you fuck my mouth, please, Zayn. Let me take care of you."_ _

__"Fuck," Zayn groans, meeting Liam's hooded gaze, "Fuck, yeah ok, yeah."_ _

__When Liam finally brings his mouth to Zayn's cock Zayn's blind with need, can't think past Liam's tongue on him. Liam swallows him down to the base with a _moan_ that's filthy and gorgeous._ _

__Zayn comes with a sob and Liam's name like a prayer on his lips._ _

__He feels boneless and heavy and blessed and he has to blink back tears in the aftershocks, mind fuzzy and blissfully blank._ _

__Liam stays between Zayn's legs, presses kisses in the crease of Zayn's thigh, and Zayn's dick doesn't even get the chance to soften before Liam's mouthing at his balls again, purposeful._ _

__"Wanna make you come again," he whispers, thumbs swiping up Zayn's legs, leaving goosebumps, "Can you do that for me Zayn? Can you come again for me?"_ _

___no,_ he wants to say, _no, you've taken everything already_ but he finds himself nodding._ _

__"Anything," is what he does say, and it's a promise and Liam knows it too. Something flashes in his eyes, and then he's helping to push Zayn's knees up to his chest, careful and tender._ _

__A warm breath is all the warning Zayn gets before Liam's pressing a kiss to Zayn's rim, and Zayn bucks up, heat rushing under his skin, back arching almost painfully. And then Liam's licking into his hole, tongue fucking him unforgivingly and Zayn's body is clenching and unclenching and the line blurs between pain and pleasure._ _

__"Please," he gasps out, pushing his hips down into the touch, "Fuck, Liam, I need - "_ _

__"What do you need?" Liam asks him, teases him with the tip of his tongue._ _

__"I can't - " Zayn chokes out, "Please -"_ _

__Liam relents, wraps a hand round his painfully oversensitive dick and thumbs at the head, and with his tongue, curls into Zayn's soft spot and Zayn sees stars, white heat and black nothing, and he comes with a whimper that starts from his toes._ _

__When he comes to, Liam's left the bed and Zayn watches through eyes half closed as he wets a wash cloth and turns off the light. He navigates back to Zayn with the dim light from the window, cleans Zayn's belly. When he dabs gently at Zayn's softened cock, Zayn hisses and tears escape and Liam kisses them away with soft murmurings of encouragement._ _

__He gets up to discard the wash cloth and then he's back, sinking heavily onto Zayn's thin frame and laying his head in the crook of Zayn's neck._ _

__"Are you - Are you nuzzling me?" Zayn manages to ask him incredulously, voice almost nonexistent. He feels a little off, unsure of himself, but Liam just hums in response, rubs his head against Zayn's neck._ _

__Zayn can only laugh weakly, wrap still trembling arms tight around Liam._ _

__"Are you ok?" Liam asks softly, shifting slightly so he tumbles to Zayn's side. Zayn's hand stays firm to Liam's hip, silently demanding that he close the gap between them again._ _

__"Yeah," he mumbles, sleepy and dazed, "I've never - "_ _

__"I know," Liam says._ _

__"Thank you," he mumbles finally, pulling Liam impossibly closer, until Liam's legs slot between his and his erection presses insistently into Zayn's thigh._ _

__Zayn panics._ _

__"Shit, Liam, I should have - I never should have let you - Fuck. Let me blow you or -" he swallows, "You can fuck me? I'm so sorry, I -"_ _

__"Shh, Zayn, don't -" Liam tries, but Zayn is already sitting up, tugging at the waist of Liam's pants._ _

__"God, you must be furious, fuck. I'm not like this normally, I swear. I'm - I'm really good. I can be really good, Liam, I promise - "_ _

__"Zayn," Liam raises his voice just a fraction, cups his face with a neverending amount of tenderness. "You're fine, Zayn," he whispers, infinitely patient, "I'm not mad. I _wanted_ to take care of you, ok? Tonight was about you." He presses a soft kiss to Zayn's forehead._ _

__"But you -" Zayn says weakly._ _

__"S'okay," Liam interrupts, voice quiet but firm, "I'll live. Just. Can you - I mean. Will you stay?"_ _

__Zayn lets out a surprised, almost hysterical laugh._ _

__"I'm not sure I could move even if you wanted me out," he says slowly, considering the boy in bed with him. Liam looks at him with wide eyes, nervous and uncertain and Zayn sucks in a breath at how much Liam's giving back, at how much Liam's letting him keep. He lowers them both gently back to the bed, curving into Liam to rest his head on Liam's chest. "I'm here, Liam, yeah? I'm staying," Zayn tells him, quiet and sure._ _

__Their feet tangle together and Zayn brings an arm around Liam's waist, tucks his head underneath Liam's shoulder and Liam breathes out relief and pulls Zayn in closer._ _

__"This is all I need for now, ok?" Liam whispers, "This, for as long as you'll have me."_ _

__\--_ _

__This time, Zayn wakes up in a tangle of too hot limbs and sweaty sheets but he stays put when he looks up to see Liam's still sleeping soundly, mouth slightly parted, arms curled around Zayn. He grins to himself, nuzzles quietly into Liam's chest, runs his fingers over his naked torso._ _

__Liam makes a small noise, a content sigh, pushes closer into Zayn like he's drawn to him, and Zayn can't resist, he twists up to press his lips to Liam's, kissing him until he responds back slowly, bringing him back from dreams._ _

__"Good morning," he kisses into his mouth, smiling against him. Liam groans softly and Zayn watches the tips of his eyelashes as they flutter open. When he focuses on Zayn his smile widens into something silly and so warm that Zayn has to duck his head, hide the blush that comes fast to color his cheeks._ _

__"Good morning," Liam returns, cupping his cheek to turn his head, kiss Zayn again, morning breath be darned._ _

__Zayn fits himself to Liam's body, turns the kisses deep despite Liam's valiant attempts to remain sweet, until they're breathing heavy through bruised lips._ _

__"What time is it?" Liam asks, arching into Zayn to kiss him once more._ _

__"Probably time to get up for class," Zayn groans out. He turns to check and Liam takes advantage of the angle to press kisses to his neck. "Liam," he protests shakily, turning his head despite himself to give him more access._ _

__"Hmm," Liam hums, nipping lightly. "I think I left hickies last night," he says thoughtfully._ _

__"Fuck," Zayn moans, giving in and turning to kiss Liam properly, "We've got class, Li -"_ _

__Liam makes a noise of agreement in his throat, and after one last lingering kiss he rolls over Zayn to stumble out of bed, groaning with the effort. His hair stands up on end and his pants fall low and twisted on his hips and Zayn wants him back in bed right now._ _

__"God, I can't believe you could stand to kiss me, my breath tastes horrible," he wrinkles his nose, padding off to the bathroom to brush his teeth with the door open. He comes out with his toothbrush still in his mouth._ _

__"You wanna borrow a shirt or something?" he asks with his mouth full._ _

__"And like, a notebook and pen," Zayn adds sheepishly, getting out of bed and slipping back into his pants. Liam rolls his eyes, spits into the sink._ _

__"What'd you bring with you last night?"_ _

__"Err," Zayn rubs the back of his head, "I may or may not have dropped everything and ran here from the library. Shit I hope Styles grabbed my stuff."_ _

__Liam cackles._ _

__"Not an ounce of patience, Malik," he teases him._ _

__"Not at all," he growls playfully, "Come here," he demands as soon as Liam's finished washing his mouth. Liam's eyes are dancing but he moves obediently to Zayn, places his hands around his waist and thumbs down the lines of Zayn's hips._ _

__"You rang?" he asks, ducking his head playfully to look up at Zayn from under his lashes._ _

__"Shameless," Zayn scolds. Liam's eyes widen indignantly but Zayn is kissing him before he has a chance to object._ _

__\--_ _

__In the elevator Liam is all silly giggles and shy eye contact until Zayn rolls his eyes, trying desperately to look exasperated and not terribly fond._ _

__"Out with it Payne," he orders, just as the elevator door opens. Liam shrugs and shakes his head, says good morning to the desk attendant with a cheery wave as they pass._ _

__"I just really like you in my clothes," he grins innocently and unabashedly and Zayn will _not_ be fond, damnit._ _

__"Really? 'Cause I think I just look stupid," Zayn grumbles out. He's wearing a Columbia wrestling tee that he probably swore he'd never be caught dead in at one point in his life, and one of Liam's sweatshirt's that's like three sizes too big, stretches past his fingers and keeps falling off his shoulder._ _

__"Well to be fair, the sweatshirt's a bit big on me too," Liam concedes. "But not by that much," he adds, and Zayn swats at him with an oversized sleeve._ _

__"The cheek on you this morning, christ," Zayn scolds teasingly._ _

__"Yeah, well I started my day out real enjoyably, it's put me in a pretty good mood," Liam responds seriously. Zayn turns to him. They're in the middle of College Walk and they've got to part ways, but -_ _

__"Liam -" he tries._ _

__"Yeah?"_ _

__Zayn sighs. "I hope the rest of your day's good as well," he says, and Liam smiles brightly at him._ _

__"Thanks, you too," Liam says warmly. "I'll see you later?"_ _

__"Yeah, later." Liam turns to go, but Zayn catches his wrist._ _

__"Wait," he swallows, and then cups Liam's face with one sweatshirt clad hand and presses a chaste kiss to his lips. He lets his eyes fall shut, lets himself take in the feel of this other boy pressed against him, the heat of the day against the back of his neck. The sounds of students and professors grow muted until Zayn can hear only his heart beating in his ears and the warm sigh Liam lets out against him._ _

__When he pulls back Liam's eyes are still closed so Zayn steeples their foreheads together, traces his bottom lip with his teeth._ _

__"Are we really going to do this then?" Liam asks him softly, eyelashes fluttering open to reveal raw longing. Zayn swallows._ _

__"If you still want to I mean. After last night -. I mean. I want to. So. If you want to then - " he trails off, nervous despite everything._ _

__"If I want to," Liam repeats with a shake of his head, "God Zayn you are. Yes. Yes, I want to. Of course I want to," he leans in to kiss him again, ends up pressing a smile into Zayn's lips instead, "Want to dress you in my clothes and keep you in my bed in the mornings and fuck I want to keep kissing you but I'm gonna be late to class."_ _

__Zayn laughs, low and fond and happy. He presses a quick kiss to the corner of Liam's mouth._ _

__"Go on then, I'll see you later."_ _

__"Fuck," Liam says, and he's grinning wide and a little disbelievingly and he nods. "I'll see you soon." He presses another kiss to Zayn's mouth._ _

__" _Go on_ Payne," Zayn scolds and if he can't feel anything but fondness again for the rest of his life it'll be all Liam Payne's fault._ _

__"Yeah yeah, I'm going," he makes to move back, "God, do I look this irresistible in my clothes or is it just you?"_ _

__" _Liam_."_ _

__"Ok, ok, really going now, I promise," he kisses Zayn's temple, "Bye," he says softly._ _

__"Bye, Li."_ _

__\--_ _

__He really has no idea what goes on in his next two classes._ _

__\--_ _


	8. Chapter 8

Harry drops Zayn's bag into the chair next to his at lunch and settles into the one on his other side with a fond roll of his eyes and a shit eating grin, stretching out his limbs and tilting his chair back.

"Thanks, Haz," Zayn apologizes meekly, "Sorry about last night I - "

"S'okay," Harry interrupts him with a wave of his hand, "Get to see you do the walk of shame, that's repayment enough."

"I am not doing the walk of shame," Zayn protests indignantly.

"Those are Liam's clothes. You probably couldn't wear yours because they had come on them - "

"Oh my god, _Harry_."

"And _that_ , mate, is the definition of the walk of shame," Harry says gleefully, pinching Zayn's side.

But then after a moment his smirk shifts into a sincere smile and he nudges at Zayn happily with his head, tickling Zayn with his curls.

"Bloody ridiculous," Zayn mutters when he's recovered, wrapping an arm around him, "Did you get all your work done last night then, without me to distract you?"

"No," Harry turns slightly to shoot him a mischievous grin. "Went back to your place to meet Louis, was feeling pretty confident that you'd end up staying at Liam's."

Zayn chuckles despite himself, letting the laughter fade into the crowd around them. They're silent for a moment and Zayn enjoys the pause. From their table they've got a bird's eye view of the cafeteria, friends laughing on the pizza line, couples leaning against each other as they wait, the occasional kid in his pajamas, trudging straight to the coffee. Everything feels bright and perfect and happy and Zayn feels like giggling, or dancing or something equally ridiculous, but he contains the giddiness rushing through him, sits with Harry, smiling until his cheeks hurt.

"I didn't tell him, you know," Harry speaks up after a while, thoughtful and slow. Zayn shifts.

"He didn't ask where I was?"

Here, Harry's mouth curves into a smirk.

"Didn't really give him a chance to say much."

"God, please tell me you at least took the time to get to his bed."

Harry shrugs, mysterious and smug and Zayn headbutts him. "You're awful Haz."

When Harry laughs his entire body shakes with it.

"I need your help with something." The words are out of Zayn's mouth before the idea is even fully formed and when Harry glances at him inquisitively, Zayn clears his throat, "How busy are you this week?"

\--

_shitttt i 4got i hve eats 2nite w the team :( :( wana chill after though_ comes in while Zayn's walking with Harry towards Dodge. His face must fall a little, because Harry nudges him with a bony elbow, grips a little at his jacket.

"S'nothing, Liam's just busy tonight."

"Oh. S'okay though, you have to tell Louis, remember? I can't promise I can keep it a secret for much longer, you know." he laughs a sheepish laugh and Zayn rolls his eyes.

"You have to keep this a secret though," he waves his hands in front of them, as though _this_ (silly, ridiculous) idea that he has is right in front of them.

"I'll try."

" _Harry_."

"S'not my fault," he whines, "It's like. I want to share everything with him, you know? I get excited, and then I can't stop talking, and -" he cuts off to open the door for Zayn and Zayn offers a charming smile to the lady sitting behind the desk.

"I'm dealing with children," Zayn tells her woefully. She gives him a look that manages to be both disdainful and uninterested and lets them into the building, Harry snorting into the back of Zayn's neck as they pass.

In the elevator, Zayn thumbs out a quick, _i shldn't i have to tell louis_ with Harry reading over his shoulder.

_oh. do i have to ask his permission?_ comes back a couple seconds later and Zayn chuckles, is about to shoot back a _hah, funny_ when Harry stops him.

"He's serious, Zayn," Harry says, practically tugging him out of the elevator when Zayn looks up at him in surprise. They continue down the long, dimly lit hallway, Harry waving absentmindedly to the few students they pass, and Zayn is momentarily distracted by the fact that everyone greets Harry by name and with a bright smile. "He thinks he needs Louis' approval. Honestly? I think he does too."

Zayn stares at him and Harry stares pointedly back.

"You're being serious."

"Yeah, course I am. You know how Louis is about you."

Zayn raises his eyebrows.

"He's not my father, Harry - " but Harry cuts him off with a long, exasperated sigh. " _What?_ "

"You're infuriating."

"So are you," Zayn snarks back, earning himself a cuff to the back of his head.

"Just let him take care of you ok? Even if it's only to make him feel better."

Zayn considers this for moment, staring at the back of Harry's head while they wait in line to sign out a practice room. Finally, with a relenting sigh he pulls out his phone again.

_maybe._ and then _but he probably likes you better than me at this point, so dw xx_

He looks up in time to find that they've reached the front of the line. Harry's leaning against the countertop, long limbs folding ungracefully.

"Hey Beth," he says, voice low, colored with a smile, tinted with a smirk. "You alright?"

"Harry!" she squeals, running around the countertop to throw her arms around him. He laughs good-naturedly. "Where have you been, stranger?"

"Sorry," Harry says in genuine apology, "Been busy, you know. Miller's class is kicking my arse."

She shoots him a skeptical look from behind the countertop once more.

"I highly doubt that. She adored you last semester."

"Not as much as she adored you," Harry counters charmingly, and Zayn's not sure if he should laugh at him or learn from him. Beth colors prettily, lowers her eyes shyly and Zayn smothers his laugh into a cough.

"Harry, stop," she protests with a giggle. "Anyway, what are you doing here today? It's Monday."

"Oh," Harry says, turning sheepish. "About that." He draws his curls to the front of his face and then flips them back quickly. "I was actually wondering -. See my friend Zayn here. We're working on something together. A duet, yeah? But it's a bit time sensitive so I was wondering if you might be able to -" he crooks one corner of his mouth up in a hopeful smile, " - bend the rules for us a little bit?"

"Oh! A duet!" she exclaims delightedly, eyes moving from Harry to examine Zayn, and Zayn forces himself to smile brightly at her. "Will you let me watch?"

"Maybe when it's done," Harry promises her, leaning in over the countertop. She considers him.

"Well alright then, but it wasn't me ok? I don't want to lose my job," she warns him and he grins at her, takes the key she hands him and gives her his ID.

"Brilliant, thanks Beth!" He shoots her a lazy grin over his shoulder as they retreat into the back hallways and it's only when he's sure they're out of earshot that Zayn doubles over with laughter.

"Christ, Haz," he manages.

"What," Harry tries for casual but his ears have gone pink, "It worked, didn't it?"

The room is dark and cramped when they enter it, but Harry finds the light easily and flicks the switch, shutting the heavy soundproof door behind them with a thud. There're two chairs, a few old wired stands and a small piano in one corner with a piano bench that has definitely seen better days.

"You ever, you know, in here?" Zayn asks him innocently, smirking when Harry blushes.

"Maybe," he fumbles around a bit with his bag. "Not with, ah. Not with Louis though so - I mean. Obviously before we got together, I swear - "

" _S'okay_ Haz, relax," Zayn says kindly, coming up to place a hand on the back of his neck.

"Right, yeah," Harry smiles again, "So what song did you have in mind?"

"Have you heard um, Lego House, by Ed Sheeran?"

Harry scoffs, insulted.

"Course I have, it's brilliant."

"Right, sorry. Well, it's only one part, but I was hoping you might um, want to try some harmonies together?"

"Yeah, sounds cool," Harry nods seriously, "I'll see what I can do."

Zayn grins, settles on the floor with his legs spread out in front of him, and Harry settles on the opposite wall, adjusting his feet so they settle in the spaces Zayn has left.

"Let me find the lyrics," he says, reaching for his phone and doing a quick search. Zayn waits, inexplicably nervous without the dim lit attic and the shared toke. He drums his hands against his knees, rhythm unsteady and erratic, until Harry looks up at him with a reassuring smile. "Found em," he says. "You good?"

"Yeah, I think so," he clears his throat against the crack in his voice and Harry nudges him with the edge of his foot.

"Do you wanna start?"

"Oh. Right," Harry giggles a little at him, soft and sweet, so Zayn clears his throat, hums a pitch. Harry's brow scrunches up a bit and he hums the rest of the melody, catching Zayn's note from him.

"S'too high, for me at least. Can we start -" he hums a pitch a step and a half lower, reaching up with a long arm to thumb a note on the piano, "S'a D."

Zayn nods, takes a deep breath and begins to sing. His voice is shaky at first, but it steadies sure enough, settling into Ed Sheeran's first verse, smiling through it when Harry sighs happily and closes his eyes. When he trails off at the end Harry is smiling a secret smile and Zayn frowns worriedly.

"What? Did it sound awful or - "

"No, no, nothing," Harry says, and he can't seem to stop smiling. "It just sounds really good, just you, just like that. But I'm still gonna sing with you," Harry adds quickly when Zayn glares at him, "Go on into the chorus then."

This time Harry catches the harmony, a third below. His voice tangles with Zayn's easily, warm and full against Zayn's lighter sound. Zayn's always known Harry's talented, of course he has. He's watched him perform on stage and improvise easily in the attic but. Here, in this small space, his voice lifts to fill up the room and Zayn can catch every tremor and ornamentation and it's beautiful. He stays low, creating dissonance and then resolving it, focused on the melody Zayn's carrying and Zayn's voice grows stronger, more confident.

When they finish, Harry's beaming.

"That was _brilliant_ ," he says earnestly.

"You're alright," Zayn tells him, unable to hide his smile. Harry's grin doesn't falter and he kicks at Zayn lightly, "Do you want the next verse?"

"Fine, but then you pick up the harmony for the next chorus."

"Harry -"

"Zayn," Harry says stubbornly, raising his eyebrows at him.

"Fine," Zayn accepts defeat, "I'll try ok?"

"Zayn, you're _good_ at this, you'll be great. Ok," he takes a breath and then picks up the next verse, nodding at Zayn to cue him in, pointing his finger up with a smirk. Zayn rolls his eyes but obeys, coming in above Harry this time, voice soaring easy against the solid melody Harry lays down, until Harry's grinning into his voice and Zayn's smiling too, satisfied.

"We're good," Harry says firmly, and Zayn has to agree, begins to wonder what they'd sound like with Liam's voice and Louis' guitar in the mix, like if they actually rehearsed something instead of just dicking around. Harry seems to be thinking the same thing because when he catches his eye his gaze is a little bit wild with the idea and the beginnings of a smirk form on his lips.

"Do you wanna run it once and then get out of here?"

Harry nods.

"So are you gonna sing right into Liam's eyes then?"

"Shut up," Zayn mutters around a smile.

\--

They part ways in front of Butler.

"Send Louis my love," Harry calls out as he enters the library, narrowly missing running over a small girl with a large coffee.

"Ew," Zayn wrinkles his nose.

\--

Louis is stretched out in Zayn's bed when Zayn gets in, a heavy looking book in his lap and a highlighter in his mouth and Zayn ducks his head to hide his foolish smile at the sight, can hardly wait to drop the weight of his bag and join him.

Louis hardly glances up at him even as Zayn lets the door slam so Zayn toes off his shoes and Liam's sweatshirt and nudges his head onto Louis's lap, legs folding so he can lie horizontally on the bed.

"Hi you," he says brightly. From this angle he can see the beginnings of stubble over Louis' chin and he lifts his hand up awkwardly to feel the roughness of the skin there. "I have something to tell you - Louis? Are you alright?" His brain has finally caught on to the fact that Louis looks _off_ , weary like he's been thinking too many heavy thoughts. "Is this my shirt?" he tugs at the hem of it, shifts to sit up. Louis made this into a habit when they were younger, crawling in through Zayn's bedroom window in the evenings when his parents were fighting or his sisters were ganging up on him, shedding his own clothes in favor of Zayn's sweats and oldest t-shirts and curling up in his bed to wait for Zayn to come back from dinner.

"Nothing's wrong," Louis says meekly, putting the book aside and studiously avoiding eye contact, "That's Liam's shirt isn't it."

"Louis."

"M'not sure the color really suits you - "

" _Louis_."

Louis sighs, coughs slightly.

"It's really nothing."

"Ok, cool," Zayn waits expectantly, watches the way Louis blushes, twists his hands nervously.

"It's just. Harry and I. We ah. We had sex for the first time," he whispers finally. Oh. Zayn turns so that he can face his friend, tucking his feet under him so his knees fall over Louis' knees and his hands fall over Louis' hands. He stills their fidgeting with a firm pressure.

"That's. That's good right?" Zayn asks cautiously. "I'm surprised you waited this long -"

"It was Harry's first time. With a guy anyway, you know."

Zayn's eyes widen and he closes his mouth with a snap and Louis gives a weak laugh.

"Trust me, that was my reaction too," he says. Well that was something Zayn hadn't really expected but -

"First times are normally awful though, aren't they? So -"

"Exactly," Louis interrupts mournfully, extracting his hands from Zayn to bury his face in them.

"Ok Lou, now you've lost me -"

"It was really good, Zayn," Louis says softly, looking up at Zayn, "I mean, it wasn't like, rose petals and smooth sailing, or anything like that, but. _He_ was perfect, you know?" Louis's looking at Zayn with wide eyes and color in his cheeks and Zayn can't help but grin back at him, cheeky and knowing, "Shut up," Louis mutters, smiling despite himself, "I know I sound like a complete tosser, I just. I love him so much, yeah? It terrifies me."

"Oh, Louis," Zayn shakes his head fondly, slim fingers curling round his wrists to feel his quickened pulse. He leans in to press a kiss to his forehead, and then shifts to tuck Louis into his side. "He loves you too."

"Fuck."

"Fuck," Zayn agrees, laughing softly in Louis' hair. "And I love you."

Louis snorts.

"I _know_ that, you sap," he scoffs, squeezing Zayn's side. "Anyway. I told you I was just being a twat. So what did you have to tell me."

It's Zayn's turn to heat up, but he smiles through it, safe in the way Louis clutches at the hem of Liam's shirt.

"Liam and I are gonna give it a go," he says.

"Oh really?" Louis grins, not sounding the least bit surprised. He sits up to look Zayn in the eye, "I hear you used words and everything this time."

Zayn stares at him for a second and then it dawns on him.

"Oh my god, he actually asked for your permission," Zayn says wonderingly.

"Course he did. He's a smart bloke," Louis says loftily, kissing the top of Zayn's head, "M'really happy for you," he whispers, "Are you ok?"

Zayn doesn't hesitate.

"Yeah, I mean. I'm really bloody nervous about fucking things up but - "

"You're not the only one," Louis chimes in softly.

"We'll be ok," Zayn tells him on a wave of bravado, nosing into Louis' neck and inhaling.

"Look at us," Louis says quietly, after a moment of simple, tangled limbs. "All settled down with these fucking brilliant people," his thumb finds it's way under Zayn's shirt to trace his scar and for the first time it feels like nothing but dead knotted skin, "and so stupidly _happy_. Did you ever think that could be us?"

"Happiness was never a question," Zayn chides gently, resting his chin against Louis' head, "M'always happy when I'm with you."

Louis says nothing for a long while after that, just smiles a pleased smile and hums, content.

"Now we just need to find someone for Niall," Louis comments idly.

"Niall is not allowed to date anybody," Zayn growls out stubbornly and Louis tangles their feet together and calls him an idiot and Zayn feels whole.

Alive and happy and whole.

\--

The problem with dicking around the entire weekend is that now Zayn's scrambling to catch up. He's got two ten page papers due at the end of the week and about a hundred pages of reading besides. As much as he hates to do it, he buckles down, holes himself up in the library for hours on end, and his relationship with Liam is reduced to a handful of _i miss you_ texts and quiet phone calls at night, and that one time Zayn manages to it make to sociology, hushed promises like _god the next time i see you im gonna suck your brains out through your cock._

He's forced to whine about it to Niall, who comes to visit him at the Barnard Library with a coffee in one hand and one of the Zayn's favorite muffins from Liz's Place in the other. She jumps to straddle his lap, nearly tipping them in the old wooden chair, and after headbutting him with a fiercely whispered _how dare you not tell me first_ she kisses him full on the lips.

"M'so happy for you," she sings softly, "Liam's walking around like Christmas came early or finals were cancelled or they have those jelly donuts he likes so much from John Jay."

"Really?" Zayn grins at her, tongue against the back of his teeth. He's proud, he realizes after a moment. Proud that it's _him_ that makes Liam feel this way. And that's not an unusual feeling, really. He's grateful when he can cheer up Louis or console Niall, but with Liam, it's. It's all consuming, this desire to make him happy, to - to make sure he doesn't have to endure anything else alone.

He feels the heat rise to his cheeks at the idea and Niall presses into him, burying her face in the crook of Zayn's neck so that tendrils of her long hair get tangled in the creases of his sweatshirt. He feels her inhale and exhale, breath warm. "Tired?" He asks her softly. She nods her head against him, scoots closer, and Zayn puts down the book he's holding and wraps his arms around her. "People are staring, Nialler," he whispers, looking up to see that the students spread out on tables full of heavy books and empty coffee cups are not so subtly glaring at them from behind laptop screens.

Niall pulls back to make sure Zayn can see the way she rolls her eyes, deliberate and dramatic.

"Girls have been staring at you since you walked in here, Zayn, you're the only guy here and you're _you_."

Zayn smirks amusedly at her and she narrows her eyes at him.

"You're infuriating," she tells him matter-of-factly.

"I've been getting a lot of that recently," he beams at her and she shakes her head at him, smile tugging at the corner of her lips.

"Love you," she says, and Zayn softens, kisses her on the cheek.

"Everyone here's gonna think I have a girlfriend now," he whines when he pulls away.

"You have a boyfriend, though," she teases.

"I have a boyfriend though," he repeats a little dumbfounded, sitting back in his chair to look up at Niall with wide eyes.

"Zayn and Lee-yum sitting in a tree," she hums innocently and Zayn wrinkles his nose.

"Niall shut up," he groans, "God."

\--

By Friday his vision's blurry with exhaustion and he has to blink to keep the screen in front of him in focus so that he can add any final edits to his last paper of the week. Louis comes banging his way in just as he's decided it's satisfactory, and he ignores Louis's wet willy in favor of hitting save and send.

"Fina-fuckingly," Louis remarks, leaning his head against Zayn's slumped shoulder to watch the upload animation play out on Zayn's screen, "Proud of you, love."

Zayn nods his thanks, closes his eyes for a moment.

"So," Louis starts casually, when Zayn opens his eyes again to blink up at Louis dolefully, "Niall, Harry and I are gonna grab dinner," moving away to put his shit down and change out of his tee into a light jumper.

Zayn arches an eyebrow.

"Er, thanks for the invitation?"

Louis stares at him.

"Niall, Harry and I are - oh for chrissakes," he pulls his phone out of his pocket and fidgets it with for a second, "Hey Liam? Yeah yeah, m'good, really good. Yeah, listen, Harry, Niall and I were gonna go out to dinner, but I think Zayn's really exhausted yeah? I think he's just gonna stay in. Would you mind picking up some takeaway, bringing it up so our poor boy doesn't starve? You're swell, Li, really. Yup. Ok, ta."

Zayn smiles a slow tired smile at him. He has the best mates, really.

"Think he'll mind if I just kip for a little bit?" Zayn asks around a yawn.

"If you don't take him straight to bed I'll be disappointed," Louis tells him sternly, ducking to avoid the pillow Zayn chucks at him from under the covers of his bed. "Oi so listen, you've got like three hours or so yeah? It's six now. You've got to meet us in the attic by nine ok? Ten at the latest. Don't make us come get you. We _will_ drag you naked out of bed."

Zayn nods sleepily, eyes falling shut heavily against Louis's words. He's out like a light in no time.

\--

It's a slight hesitant cough that wakes Zayn up and in the haze of sleep that has not yet relinquished him he croaks out, "Lou?"

"Um, no, it's um -"

"Liam," Zayn says warmly, keeping his eyes closed and reaching out for him, "Come here."

Liam giggles a little, and there's a ruffling of sorts as he puts down what Zayn can only assume are bags of takeaway.

"Wait," he puts up a hand that promptly falls heavily back onto the bed. "You've got to take all your clothes off, those are the rules," he orders. And maybe it's too soon and maybe they shouldn't rush into anything, but Zayn's worked hard all week, and he deserves a naked Liam in his bed, ok?

"Zayn," Liam protests feebly, but Zayn can hear the carelessly hidden desire in his voice and it makes him determined. He finally opens his eyes, propping himself up on one elbow to watch.

"Go on."

Liam's blushing full on, but he puts on a show, slowly tugging his shirt over his head with his bottom lip between his teeth and a smirk in his eyes at the way Zayn's mouth falls open. His hands hover at the waistband of his trousers and Zayn groans.

"Liam, you tease."

Liam chuckles and relents, stripping down and kicking his trousers and pants away.

"Can I come now?" he asks, naked and half hard with an arched eyebrow that turns the question dirty. Bloody fucking hell.

"Yeah, fuck, get over here." Zayn reaches out to tug him into bed, and they fight blankets and pillows until their bodies align and Zayn can feel the heat of Liam's skin. Liam props himself up with a hand by his head and a hand by his hip and leans down to kiss the corner of his mouth.

"Couldn't stop thinking about you all week," Liam breathes and it's desperate and needy and it gets Zayn hot and wanting. He reaches up to kiss him, tangling his hand in the hairs at the nape of Liam's neck. Liam kisses like he's drinking him in, quenching his thirst slowly and deliberately and Zayn relaxes into it, parts his mouth to let Liam's tongue swipe at the back of his teeth. They kiss like that for a long while, until the ache in Zayn's chest from a week of longing has subsided and Zayn is left with desire in his belly and in his veins. He runs hands along Liam's shoulders, smirking slightly at the steady strength of taut muscle, barely shaking even after long minutes.

"What?" Liam asks, pulling away slightly, lips bruised and swollen. He's smiling, big and fond and suddenly Zayn is smirking and blushing at the same time and it's terrifying how much this boy makes him _feel_.

"Nothing," he croaks out, fighting to keep his voice casual, "Just. I've decided I really like wrestlers."

"Hey," Liam pouts down at him.

"One wrestler," Zayn amends, arching up to bite at his lower lip.

"Yeah?" he giggles again, eyes crinkling up happily, and suddenly he's hooking a foot around Zayn's thigh and reversing their positions, so that Zayn lands on top of Liam, his hard cock a warm heat against his inner thigh. Liam moans at the pressure, rolling his hips up and bringing his hands up to clutch at Zayn's waist.

"Oi, no wrestling moves in bed, Payne, s'no fair," Zayn whines, and Liam laughs, sits up to cup Zayn's face with both hands and bring their lips together. Their tongues tangle and Liam's hands slide down Zayn's torso until he's pressing his palm into Zayn's dick through his trousers and Zayn bucks shamelessly into the pressure.

"Thought you liked wrestlers," Liam says, stroking his length through the fabric.

"What?" Zayn chokes out with a groan that is _not_ closer to a whimper.

"Wrestlers?" Liam prompts, and he's laughing at him but Zayn can't think clear enough to care.

"You," he says, drawing them flush together and rolling his hips down. Liam moans.

"You're wearing too many clothes, " he says, laughter replaced fast by a desire that roughens his voice and darkens his eyes and this close Zayn can see flecks of gold. He tugs off his shirt without hesitation and they both groan at the sudden skin to skin contact. "Yes," Liam hisses, "Fuck. You're - fuck."

Zayn pushes him down so he's lying flat on his back, and then he's mouthing his way down his chest, slowing to press kisses into the cut of his abs.

"Can't believe I get to touch you like this," he murmurs into the lines of Liam's body, voice catching at Liam's gasp.

"Can't believe I get to be touched by you like this," Liam gives back, easy and warm and with just enough cheese to make Zayn smile foolishly. He presses a kiss to Liam's hipbone and then a kiss to the head of his cock, tongue darting out to taste salty pre-come and Liam's hungry moan. He parts his lips around him, takes him in inch by inch, wet heat that makes Liam thrust up helplessly. When he looks up through his lashes, he sees Liam's got his eyes screwed shut and he's biting down hard on his bottom lip and Zayn pulls off with an obscene noise and crawls back up Liam to soothe away the sting with his tongue.

"Hey," he murmurs, "Wanna hear you, Li, c'mon babe."

It's like Liam's been waiting for that because suddenly he's a litany of curses and whimpered _please, zayn, fuck_ when Zayn takes him in his mouth again and Zayn groans around his cock at the sound of his name like that. He starts slow, takes his time moving down Liam's shaft, tongue curling to relish the heavy taste of him. His own dick presses into the mattress, needy from the way Liam's whimpering around his name, and he hums his arousal with saliva stained lips. When Liam leans up on his elbows to watch, thumbing slightly at Zayn's cheek where it's hollowed out, Zayn closes his eyes, relaxes his throat and takes him down to the base. Liam _whines_ high and desperate and he looks beautiful, head thrown back, chest arched, and Zayn wants him like this again and again and again.

"Fuck, I'm close Zayn, please, fuck -" his voice breaks and he comes silently, lips parted, eyes screwed shut, and Zayn milks him through it, swallowing greedily. Liam falls back against the covers weak and spent and Zayn giggles a little helplessly.

"Bet I'm stronger than you right now."

"Hmm?" Liam barely opens his eyes, "Come here." He opens his arms for Zayn and Zayn settles himself against Liam's chest, obliging Liam with a kiss when he reaches for it, hand coming up to cup the back of Zayn's head and hold him steady.

"You're amazing," he mumbles into the kiss, and Zayn giggles again, pulling back to kiss his nose.

"Yeah?" Zayn teases him.

"Yeah," Liam agrees. "Gonna make you come now. Take these off," he demands, tugging at Zayn's trousers. Zayn's still laughing at him but he does what he's told, rolling off Liam to shimmy out of his trousers and toss them aside.

Liam rolls onto his side and with a hand on Zayn's hip, turns him over too to press their foreheads together and entangle their feet.

"Wanna watch you, ok?" he whispers before kissing him deeply, tongue fucking into his mouth slow and purposeful, sharing his taste. Zayn whimpers, the slide going straight to his cock, and he thrusts up into Liam's hip, desperate for some kind of relief.

Liam takes the hint quick enough, wraps his hand around Zayn with a grip that's devastatingly light and a pace that's torturously slow and Zayn mutters a curse, breaking the kiss to breathe.

"Yeah?" Liam asks, smirking like he knows too well what he's doing.

"You're a menace," Zayn grits out, hips pistoning forward for friction, but Liam presses his knee forward into Zayn's thigh, stills his movements. "Liam, fuck, come _on_ ," he moans out. He's got his eyes shut but he hears Liam hum his consideration, tighten his grip just a fraction.

"Love seeing you like this," he murmurs, "Love watching you come apart. You're so beautiful, god. And just for me. _Because_ of me, fuck. I never thought I'd -"

Zayn cuts him off with a kiss, sloppy and overcome.

"Yours, Li," he manages, and Liam groans and the noise drives Zayn higher, "Fuck fuck fuck, please," he chants, shuddering under his desperation.

"Yeah, fuck, alright. Come on Zayn, want you to come." He tightens his grip, sets up a pace that is exactly what he needs and Zayn whimpers his relief, giving in to the wave of arousal, letting it tip him over the edge with a battered _Liam_ against his lips.

" _Fuck_ ," is all he's got after that. And Liam tugs him closer, until his forehead rests against Liam's chest, and he can feel his heartbeat, still lazy from his orgasm, against his cheek. "We should clean up," he mumbles after a moment, tightening his grip around Liam anyway. Liam laughs, and Zayn feels him press a kiss to his sweaty head.

"I've got it," he says, "Give me a second ok?" He extracts himself from Zayn's grip, clumsy and unsure in his spent limbs and Zayn cracks his eyes open appreciatively to watch him pad over to the sink and wet a paper towel. "Are you checking me out," Liam calls over his shoulder.

"Yes," Zayn responds sweetly, grinning when Liam throws his head back with laughter. "You're gorgeous."

Liam smiles at him, coming back with wet paper towels to clean the mess Zayn's left on his belly.

"And I'm the best looking on the team, so don't you go getting any ideas."

"Hmm," Zayn pretends to consider this even though he can't quite keep his smile at bay, "Are you sure, because I think Matt's pretty fit -"

Liam growls playfully, tugging him forward by his chin to cut him off with a kiss.

"I'll have no more cheek out of you Malik," he scolds, kissing his forehead and then the tops of his eyelids.

"You almost sounded British there for a second," Zayn remarks slowly, feeling suddenly sleepy and lethargic under Liam's warmth. "It's time to sleep, yeah?" he slurs. Liam nods.

"Yeah love," he says. The endearment has Zayn arching up to smother a smile in the curve of his neck and Liam brings their interlaced fingers up to press a kiss to his knuckles, "Goodnight," he says softly.

"Goodnight," Zayn whispers back, pressing a kiss to his sweaty skin.

When they're both on the brink of slumber a thought occurs to Zayn.

"You were wrong, you know," he mumbles.

"Hmm?"

"I like you better than a bed."

He can hear the blush underneath Liam's drowsy laughter.

\--

"Zayn, babe," Liam is murmuring, and Zayn wants to ink that feeling on his skin, his name on Liam's tongue, the catch in his voice at the whispered nickname like it's too important to say in one breath. He buries himself further into the other boy, breathing in the smell of his aftershave and sweaty neck. "Hey, your phone's going off like crazy."

"I'm busy," he mumbles, taking a rather unsexy bite out of Liam's shoulder. Liam laughs at him, twists to press his lips to Zayn's temple.

"It's probably Louis though."

"Crap," Zayn whines, "Alright go on, answer him."

"Oh. Alright, hold on," he reaches over Zayn for where Zayn's phone is lying on the night stand, clicking it on so that light floods the now darkened room, "Um. There are. Ok. First one reads, 'It's 9. consider this ur first warning,'" Liam makes a poor attempt to imitate Louis' accent, and Zayn snorts, "And then there's 'It's 9:15 second warning zayner i s2g,' and, in all caps, 'third warning zayn three strike ur out thts a thing in the us!!!!!' and then um 'zayn stop making li come and come already' oh my god," Liam mumbles, covering his face with the crook of his elbow.

Zayn laughs out loud.

" _You_ made a come joke like, an hour ago," he accuses. When Liam uncovers his face, he's smirking even as the last of his blush fades.

"Like your reaction when I say dirty things," he says, grinning. Zayn rolls his eyes, getting out of bed to hide his smile. He stretches out the kinks in his arms and back from sleeping tangled up in someone else, throws on a shirt that's hanging off his desk chair, and dances into some jeans, conscious of the way Liam moves around him too, wondering if they'll be able to make a routine out of this, whether they'll argue about what brand of coffee to make and wear each other's pants. He wonders if, eventually, their beds will smell the same, whether they'll figure out how to manage two bodies in a tiny dorm room shower, whether Liam'll start using Zayn's toothbrush.

When he turns, he finds Liam's rooting around for something, dressed only in sweats that hang low off his hips. Zayn hooks a thumb in the elastic and drags him closer.

"You don't need it," Zayn tells him.

"Hmm?" Liam hums, looking up at him.

"Your shirt, you don't need it. Shouldn't ever have to wear clothes, honestly."

Liam laughs, eyes crinkling with mirth and Zayn traces the muscles that move with his laughter, finger pads catching on his nipples. Liam sucks in a breath, darting forward to kiss Zayn, and Zayn licks into him on a low moan, pressing their hips together.

"Wait wait," Liam says, pulling away slightly, "Before you get me all. I mean, before we, shit. Let me. I need to take a piss."

"Lee-yum," Zayn whines amusedly, sneaking his hands down Liam's sweats to cup his arse, pull the other boy flush against him and demand another kiss. Liam obliges him for a moment, licking at his lower lip before retreating again, large fingers reaching back to wrap around Zayn's wrists gently.

"No, fuck, I really gotta. Just. Five seconds, ok?" he says, edging towards the bathroom, "Don't move. Stay right here," he rushes off and Zayn can only shake his head with a small laugh, try not to be overwhelmed by how desperately he cares about this boy.

He surveys the room while he waits, inexplicably proud of the mess they've made, dirty sheets thrown about, clothes scattered. His eyes fall on the takeaway Liam brought that's probably cold by now and it's only then that he sees the jacket he gave to Liam so long ago, draped carefully over a chair.

He moves to run his fingers over the worn leather, thinks back to blurry brick walls and blurrier stars. _Any place that has stars is alright_.

When Liam comes back Zayn's got a small smile on his face and he brings the collar up to his nose, wants to see if Liam's left a bit of himself in the creases already.

"Nice jacket," he tells Liam. Liam shrugs, smiling curiously at him.

"I figured I'd pretend to give it back to you and then steal it from you again, properly this time," he responds lightly, crossing the room to cup Zayn's face, press a chaste kiss to his lips.

Zayn nods, blinking up at Liam, left dazed by the simple gesture.

"Do we have time to eat, or should we get going?" Liam prods softly.

"We should get going, probably," Zayn says, "Wear the jacket," he adds after a moment, "It's yours, now."

\--

In the elevator, Liam takes Zayn's hand, a hesitant question in the furrow of his brow, and Zayn reassures him with a playful bite to his knuckles, and then a soothing caress of his lips, blushing at the way Liam smiles at him. He wants to draw they way they fit together, the way Liam leans into him, mouth tilted with affection. He wants to draw the way Liam tucks him into his side, the way Liam's elbow crooks around Zayn's neck, the way Zayn's hand slides against Liam's hip bone.

He wants to draw them to make them permanent, wants something of this to keep in case -

"You're thinking too much," Liam scolds gently. The night is still and cloudy and college walk looks infinite. "Tell me."

"Just," Zayn searches for the right words, "I just. I need you to give me a lot of chances at this because I'm going to fuck this up Li, I'm sure of it. And, when I do I just. I can't lose you, I couldn't bear it. So I need you to -"

"Ok," Liam cuts him off simply. "I will. I'll give you do-overs and take backs, and I'll forgive you as many times as I'm capable of. But you have to promise to give me chances too, then."

Zayn opens his mouth to protest but Liam shakes his head.

"Might forget your birthday," he says, ducking his head, "or get too caught up in my work. I might say something mean or become boring." He turns to face him on Kent steps, grabbing both of Zayn's hands and interlacing their fingers. "Things _happen_ Zayn. To everyone and every relationship. Promise you'll give me a lot of chances too."

"Ok," Zayn promises faintly, leaning forward to kiss Liam. "I promise."

Liam considers him.

"Might get lazy, you know," he says thoughtfully, "lose all my muscle, become fat -" he trails off teasingly and Zayn rolls his eyes.

"Dunno," Zayn says seriously, "If you can't throw me around in bed the way I like anymore -" he dissolves into giggles as Liam's eyes widen in shock and he buries his blush in the crook of Zayn's shoulder.

"Hate you," he mutters dolefully and Zayn laughs, wraps thin arms around Liam apologetically. "Call Louis, tell him to let us in," Liam breathes into Zayn's ear, and Zayn nods unsuspectingly, reaching into his pocket for his phone.

When it begins to ring, Liam starts pressing kisses into Zayn's skin.

"Fuck," Zayn huffs out, "Liam -" he bites back a moan as Liam nips lightly at Zayn's neck. "Fuck, I can't -. _Li_. I have to -" but he's fisting a hand in Liam's t-shirt, arching his neck into the heat.

"Zayn? What in god's name -" he hears Louis' voice far away through the receiver. "I swear to god if you've pocket dialed me I'll never let you live it down."

"Shit," Zayn's voice breaks and he knows he's blushing bright red, "No Louis, it's. I'm here. We're here," is all he manages before he's clicking off the phone, tilting his head to catch Liam's lips in a frantic kiss. "You're a menace," he breathes into Liam's mouth and Liam huffs a desperate sort of laugh.

"You're gonna come home with me tonight right?," he murmurs, rough and low, "Finish what you started?"

"What _I_ started?" Zayn asks, trying to sound indignant, pulling away slightly and pressing kisses to Liam's jaw. Liam shrugs.

" _You_ start things just by existing," he informs Zayn pointedly, eyes sweeping down Zayn's body deliberately.

" _Liam_ ," Zayn laughs helplessly, feeling the blush spread to the back of his neck, "Trying to get into my pants?"

"Again," Liam corrects him, smiling cheekily.

"Again," agrees Zayn, "Well?" he arches an eyebrow, wraps his arms around Liam's neck.

"Maybe," Liam responds, trying to turn his laugh into a smirk. He hooks his fingers in Zayn's belt loops and tugs him close, "How's it working?"

"It's working on making me sick, is how it's working," comes Louis' voice from the doorway, playful and happy. "You two are like gross already, this is going to be awful."

"That's rich, coming from you," Zayn snarks back, and Liam hides a laugh behind one hand. But they do break apart and Louis holds the door open for them so they can escape from chilly night air into Kent. Zayn walks ahead but he hears the way Louis swings an arm around Liam and Liam's answering hum of content.

"Zayn," they both call out at the same time, and Zayn turns around, eyebrows raised. The two boys are looking at each other confusedly, so clearly neither had expected the other to call out Zayn's name in the same reprimanding voice. Zayn clears his throat.

"Yeah?" he asks.

They turn back to him at the same time, confusion still not completely erased.

"Stop limping," they scold together again and then, a beat later they burst into incredulous laughter, clutching at each other and smothering cackles into each others' skin and Zayn can only watch with dizzing affection.

"I love you both you know. I mean -" trips out of his mouth then, as if the words have been sitting in his skin and his blood and his bones, let loose by the simple show of tenderness between them and spreading warmth to his core.

Liam's eyes widen and then he ducks his head shyly, but Louis just rolls his eyes, places a sloppy kiss to the side of Liam's head.

"We _know_ Zayn," Louis tells him, and his voice sounds exasperated and light but he's looking at Zayn knowingly, a small smile gracing his lips. He nods his head once. _Love you too_. He puts his hands firmly on the back of Liam and Zayn's necks, guides them to the elevator, "C'mon lads, let's make some music."

\--

"Finally, the newly weds have arrived," Harry teases warmly, laughing when Niall does, hand over his mouth. Zayn rolls his eyes, is about to tell Harry off, but when he chances a glance at Liam he's so _happy_ , smile bright and young and so Zayn kisses him instead, a quick peck on the lips that's accented by background catcalls.

"Here," Niall grins sympathetically, holding out the joint, but Harry steps in between with a hand on Niall's wrist.

"Not tonight, Ni," Harry says with a small shake of his head, "He's gotta be sober for his performance."

"Performance?" Louis asks incredulously at the same time Zayn's eyes widen.

"Sober?" he chokes out. Harry just stares at him pointedly.

"Fine," Zayn grumbles finally, throwing his hands up in the air.

"Right so, _what's_ going on here?" Louis asks impatiently.

"Go on, Zayn," Harry nudges and Zayn sighs.

"I'm. I mean. We're. We wanted to. Right, um. We were going to sing something. Just. A song - "

"Right, what's he going on about then Haz?" Niall asks with a good-humored chuckle, tucking her hair behind her ears. In the candlelight she looks beautiful and Zayn can't help but smile a small smile.

"Zayn has something he'd like to say to Liam," Harry says softly, "Only Ed Sheeran does it better, yeah?"

Their eyes meet and Liam simply smiles at him, smiles like he wants to share all his secrets with Zayn, wants to crawl in and make a home in Zayn, wants to build bridges between them with a thousand more smiles and suddenly it doesn't seem so hard to sing to him, to share a few secrets of his own.

He lets himself be pulled down in between Harry and Niall and Harry waits for Louis and Liam to settle in front of them before tapping a _1, 2, 3 and_ into Zayn's knee.

"We're gonna pick up the pieces, and build a lego house - " Zayn sings, voice growing in confidence with the way Louis' smile turns tender. Harry joins him in the chorus, voice dropping low and Zayn grins, lets the last of the tension seep into the wooden floorboards beneath him. Harry takes over the second verse and Zayn feels Niall's intake of breath, and he smothers a laugh. Harry shoots him a dirty look before turning back to Louis, expression softening into something stupidly fond.

"I'm out of touch, I'm of love, I'll pick you up when you get down - " they sing together, voices tangling beautifully and Harry turns to grin at him, and then he's stretching out a long leg to toe at Louis, who wiggles and then joins in on Harry's melody. Zayn's eyes widen and then Louis's nudging at Liam and Niall too and then the five of them are singing and it's only two part harmony and Louis hardly knows the words but they sound _good_

They fade out slowly for Zayn, let him sing the last lines and he does, sings for Liam, their eyes meeting with a spark and a heat and a steadiness.

"I will love you better now," he tells Liam and Liam crawls forward on his knees and slides his palm up to cup Zayn's face, press their lips together.

"You're incredible," Liam tells him softly, and Zayn noses at him, a little embarrassed.

"Thanks," he mumbles, "Yours."

"Mine," Liam agrees, laughing a little when Niall makes a gagging noise behind them.

"Haz," Louis whispers urgently, "Haz. They're making out so we should too - "

but Harry waves him away, distractedly.

"Guys," he breathes, " _Guys_ ," and when Zayn and Liam break apart, Zayn sees the way Harry's eyes are wide and bright.

"We're really good," he tells them, talking fast with excitement. "You know I'm right Zayn. _Really_ good. Guys, we could - "

"No way," Niall cuts him off, shaking her head so her hair falls into her face.

"Jesus, when you get an idea your thoughts go exactly in one direction, huh," Zayn chuckles, but Harry isn't deterred.

"I'm serious guys, listen, what if we - "

"Styles there's no way I'm singing with you lot. I don't _sing_ ," Niall says stubbornly, crossing her arms. "I don't ask you to _dance_ ," she glares at Harry.

"S'cause he turns into a safety hazard," Liam chimes in.

" _Hey_ ," Harry whines, pouting until Louis presses a kiss to his cheek.

"A family that sings together stays together, Niall," Louis tells her sagely, grinning innocently against her dark eyed scowl.

"Hey," Liam consoles gently, "We're a family no matter what, alright?" He tugs on a strand of her hair but she just crosses her arms petulantly.

"Yeah yeah," she grumbles, "Two loved up couples and _me_."

"You know, I don't think Niall's feeling enough love," Louis says with mock surprise, raising an eyebrow at Zayn that's arched in mischief.

"You're right," Zayn pretends to consider this, biting his lip to keep down his smile, "You're right, I don't think she's feeling enough love at all - "

And then the two of them are pouncing on her, hands searching for her most ticklish spots and she shrieks and giggles and tucks herself into Liam who fends them off one-handedly, laughing at the way they make faces.

"Oi, leave her alone," says Harry, launching himself between Zayn and Niall so that they end up in a pile on the unforgiving wooden floor, limbs bruised where they press together, chests rising and falling in mismatched rhythms.

"Family, yeah?" Niall asks softly. From his right, Louis reaches out to brush a strand a hair from Zayn's eyes.

"Family, Niall," he says, and the rest of them hum their agreement, a chorus of contentment.

__  



	9. five voices shaded blue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a timestamp

Zayn's wringing his hands together by the time Liam finds him, alone in the boys' dressing room backstage. 

He looks more amused than anything and Zayn attempts to glare at him. It probably falls closer to pathetic than he'd like. 

"Nervous?" Liam asks him. Zayn just nods, ducks his head, "Hey," Liam presses himself into Zayn, takes his fidgety hands and places them on his own waist, "You're gonna be brilliant, I know it." 

Zayn's hands fist in the smooth material of his dress shirt, tug him closer. 

"You look good," he croaks out, because Liam _does_ , smart and sexy in all black, with a gold tie hanging loose around his neck. He's cut his hair shorter recently, and it suits him and Zayn resists the urge to run his hand through it. Barely.

"Yeah?" Liam asks him, voice gone a bit shy even after all this time, "S'nothing you haven't seen before." 

It's true. Lia'ms got exactly one set of formal clothes, This black shirt's seen quite a few dates. It's been to dinner with the wrestling team in honor of Liam being named captain, a proud Zayn holding his hand on the table the entire time. It was worn when Harry's father came in, took them all to a broadway show and then the time Liam's sister had flown up to see him for the first time in three years. 

And Liam had had it on, unbuttoned and loose on his shoulders, when Zayn had asked him to come home with him for the summer. Meet his mum. 

And now -

"Never get tired of it," he says, "Never get tired of taking it off, either," he grins a little, thumbs making small circles on Liam's hips. 

"Menace," Liam groans, tugs a little at Zayn's blue striped tie, "You can't look like this and touch me like that, s'not fair." 

Zayn huffs a laugh, kisses him anyway. 

"I love you," he tells Liam a little helplessly, nipping light at Liam's bottom lip. Liam hums, pleased. 

"Am I helping?" he asks softly. 

Zayn opens his mouth to tell him _always_ but then the door's being shoved open and Harry and Louis fall in. They too are wearing black collared shirts and colored ties and Harry's actually brushed his hair for once and they are a good looking group, Zayn has to admit. 

"There the two of you are, jesus! We're on in five!" 

Liam smiles

"We're ready," he assures Louis, "How's Niall?"

"Nervous as fuck," Louis says and Harry nudges him with an elbow. 

"She looks beautiful," he tells LIam, "This is gonna be brilliant." 

"Not if we miss our cue, c'mon," Louis demands, ushering them out the door hurriedly, "Let's _go_." 

Niall's pacing when they reach the stage left wing and she barely spares them a glance when they approach. 

"The entire dance department's out there," she whispers agitatedly, "The heads of New York City companies are out there, oh my god - " 

Zayn holds out his arms for her and she falls into them almost instinctively. 

"It's gonna be alright, Ni," he soothes and behind her LIam's grinning at him and it erases any doubts Zayn's still holding on to, "It's gonna be more than alright, it's gonna be amazing." 

"You're ready," Louis tells her surely, when she peeks her head out from Zayn's chest. "You've worked hard, and you're _ready_." 

"And we're right here with you," Harry grins, "Literally." 

And she barely has time for a nod of thanks before the previous performers are leaving the stage and they're being ushered on under a blanket of darkness. 

Zayn fumbles to find his mic and his stool and then the spotlight lands on Niall centerstage with her arms above her head, red silk dress billowing around her legs and Zayn clears his throat softly, begins to sing - 

"You're hand fits in mine like it's made just for me -" And Niall begins to move, body raveling and unraveling to the grit of Zayn's voice, the dips and nuances he's practiced with Harry and Louis and Liam for ages now. He watches the way Niall's choreography gives life to the words, entranced still by a routine he's seen a hundred times and then he turns to the audience, feels the energy there, buzzing under the black light, feeds off it, lets his voice soar. 

And then Liam's singing and Zayn turns to him automatically, smiles, and hears Liam's answering happiness in _but i'll love them endlessly_. 

He makes it feel so easy, Zayn thinks. Performing, and singing, and _being_. Makes forever feel so easy.

Their voices tangle together in the chorus, pitches playing in chords and it is. 

It is easy. 

Louis steals the line and Zayn slumps a little in his seat, enjoys the way Louis burns bright under the spotlights. 

Louis burns brighter than ever these days. The reason for _that_ is glaringly obvious. Harry's entire body has turned in to face him, drawn to him like leaves desperate for the heat of the sun.

And then Harry and Louis share the melody for Niall, their steady warmth coloring each note and Zayn watches her body arch to reach them, arms extending, back taut and he feels the crowd's intake of breath, the way the sit at the edge of their seats to take them all in. 

He's suddenly eager to add his voice to the mix, let the final chorus be a picture of their family, each voice and movement adding a separate hue. He listens carefully to Liam and Louis on either side of him, finds the notes in between them, the hidden harmony line. 

His harmony line, that fits perfectly under Liam's and over Harry's and side by side with Louis's, that dips gracefully the way Niall does and carries a strength that's been a lesson hard earned. 

Family, is his last thought before the thunderous applause. 

_His_ family.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much to the readers who have been waiting for this end for months. i hope it lived up to your expectations! 
> 
> i have a few more pieces in this verse planned. you can follow me on twitter at snuffleslove if you want updates! i use it pretty sporadically but i'll post any additional chapters there.
> 
> and as always, comments > kudos


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